I feel like im waiting for something to happen...

...but I don't know what. I call this the Waiting Place. I actually wrote a post by the same name awhile back now that I think of it.

I went fishing today and just couldn't seem to stay in any one spot for long. I returned to spots I had given up on and spent way too much time going back and forth. Fish live in the water. They move freely. It doesn't really matter where I fish as long as all the elements are in place.

What a waste of energy.

I spent too much money today, starved myself and made up for twice that at Burger King. I must be anxious but I can't figure out what I'm anxious about. Maybe I don't need to know. Maybe things will be okay if I just sit with it.

I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?
See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com

Kinda freaking out...

I've been working through some things lately and I've identified a couple of beliefs that I used to hold that no longer make sense.

One of them is the belief that everything is black and white.

I'm either a failure or a success. I am either slow at work or extremely fast. When I think I want to start running, I aim for the Boston Marathon instead of the end of my street. The reality is that this black and white thinking has a tendency to be dangerously misleading, not to mention self-defeating.

Is it possible, instead, that maybe not every social situation I've needed to review took a wrong turn because of something I missed? Could someone else be partially to blame for the miscommunication?

I guess the other point of interest isn't so much a belief but a filter through which I interact with the world: I have extremely high expectations of myself, and little hope that I'll ever achieve those expectations. My psychology is tearing my spirit apart.

That's a tough spot to be in.

This is not aided by black and white thinking, where I criticize myself as a failure for the smallest thing. If I don't do something perfectly, if I don't do something quickly enough or I misplace my keys, I cannot be forgiven.

By the same token, I firmly believe that I am capable of conquering the world, which may not be complete bullshit--I consider myself an optimist--but it distracts me from the need to run to the end of my street first.

If I were to label myself, which is never a good idea, I would call myself an egomaniac with absolutely no self esteem.

What has me freaking out is that the two major filters through which I've grown accustomed to viewing the world no longer hold up under scrutiny, so I've gone from certainty and the need for total control over things, to 'holy shit, what do I do now?'

See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com

Wresting Color from the Canvas: House Rule #12

This 'House Rule' and others can be found in Dan Millman's book Living on Purpose. I accredit all direct quotations regarding the House Rules to Dan Millman. The subsequent lay analysis is mine.

1. Earth is a school and daily life is our classroom
2. Our teachers come in many forms
3. We learn best through direct experience
4. Failures are the stepping stones to success
5. Lessons reappear until we learn them
6. If we don’t learn the easy lessons, they get harder
7. Consequences teach better than concepts
8. Only action brings ideas to life
9. We can control efforts, not outcomes
10. Timing is everything
11. What goes around comes around
12. Little things can make a big difference

One of the most obvious ways I find this rule working through my life is through the occasional spurt of 'hey, this doesn't go here' and either putting it back where it belongs or at least removing it from where it doesn't go. Removing three pieces of clutter from the kitchen counter can easily make all the difference between a counter looking cluttered and an entire kitchen looking pristine and ready to be utilized.

A made bed and a quick toss of my laundry down the stairs makes my room look almost brand new. When that happens, it puts me in a much better position to properly allocate various items in my room into 'keep,' 'give-away' and 'throw-away' subgroups. When I face the items that I stock at work, I usually face two or three things around it. This makes facing a lot easier when we make the final sweep to make sure nothing is out of place.

Removing the clutter from my car as it accumulates rather than waiting until it looks like I live in it gives me the opportunity to focus on the moment instead of thinking about what stands in my way. A random greeting card can put a smile on someone's face. A reassuring smile. A gesture of good faith. All of these things can warm people's hearts, enabling them to stay in the moment and to be kind to others.

Relatively few things in life demand strict attention to detail. It would not be practical to spend hours--as some do--making sure everything is perfect, that every blanket is folded, every tile swept, that every ounce of energy be exerted on the most focused causal link, but a little more consideration and a little less day dreaming can help you accumulate vast amounts of energy that you can allocate to still other things.

Little things can make a huge difference.

See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com

Writer's Block; Writer's Block relieved, the Passion...

I feel like I want to blog but have no idea what to blog about. I feel like I'm pregnant, like a message is contracting my soul begging to be let loose. I'm trying as hard as I can to urge that message to the surface, but it's blocked by a seeming inability to express myself. It can't breathe.

I feel it. It's almost up...

The fire, the passion, the hunger that I used to have for life...I want it again, damn it! I want to find artistic opportunity in everything. I want to feel the presence of my Higher Power in my life. I want to have access to a level of consciousness that allows me to receive direction from all things earthly. I had all of these things before relapsing several years ago.

But now I'm sober.

Abstinence is not enough for me. I need to wrest every possible drop of satisfaction that I can from the opportunity to be sober, this unmerited gift. How many people had to die for me to get sober and to subsequently screw around with my recovery?

I want the spiritual gifts that go along with being sober--and I want them now!

See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com

Wresting Color From The Canvas: House Rule #11 Special Edition!

This 'House Rule' and others can be found in Dan Millman's book Living on Purpose. I accredit all direct quotations regarding the House Rules to Dan Millman. The subsequent lay analysis is mine.

1. Earth is a school and daily life is our classroom
2. Our teachers come in many forms
3. We learn best through direct experience
4. Failures are the stepping stones to success
5. Lessons reappear until we learn them
6. If we don’t learn the easy lessons, they get harder
7. Consequences teach better than concepts
8. Only action brings ideas to life
9. We can control efforts, not outcomes
10. Timing is everything
11. What goes around comes around

Our Universe is governed by certain laws. Of those, the 11th Law seems to be of particular importance--what goes around comes around.

Karma, in other words.

The reason that this piece is a special edition is that over 3,000 people on Facebook are about to view an image of a 39-inch, 40-pound, 12-year old Striper I caught on a fishing charter yesterday. After a quick photo op, courtesy of Captain Keith Starliper with Salfin Charters, the Striper was reunited with the surf off Plum Island in Newburyport, Masssachusetts.

When I was growing up, recognition for impressive catches was very important to me. It still is. More important, however, is my relationship with the fish that I do catch. I try to thank every mackerel that I rig up with the hopes of catching something bigger. I thank every striper, freshwater bass, sunfish, perch, carp and cat fish. I only pause for a photo if I know that I can do it quickly enough to get the shot without putting my catch in jeopardy, and most importantly, I don't keep anything I don't need.

I would have loved to be able to take that Striper home with me, to pose for a million pictures and to look at it all day, but I didn't need the meat, and a quick photo is all the proof that I need to remind myself and to show others that occasionally, remarkable things can happen.

This moment waited with infinite patience for me to ready myself to appreciate it. 

The Universe is an echo, like you might hear in a cave or an empty gym, across an ocean as flat as a lake and across a mountain range as high as the next passing cloud. What you inject into the Universe will inevitably come back to you in one form or another. The odds of me hooking up with a Striper that large were exceptionally low, but they were manifested by virtue of my demonstrating respect and appreciation for my catch, no matter how small.

Visit www.salfincharters.com to book your charter today!

See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com