A taste of the well; a list

I got another taste of the well today. I can't remember what I didn't respond to, but the point is I wasn't even tempted to object when normally I would have been livid. I accepted the reality of the situation and chose to change how I responded to it emotionally.

It still aggravates me when people tell me to accept life on life's terms, but what I've failed to realize up until this point is that I can accept a situation without it affecting my emotional state.

Nobody likes to be told to suck it up. When I hear those words I want to start slapping people. I certainly have the agency to entertain the side of myself that wants to reject a given situation because it makes me uncomfortable in a certain way, but I also have the power to wrest complete satisfaction from every moment that comes to pass before me.

It just takes being in a certain place to be able to do that.

So I sat in my room today and I started to think about what it would take in order for me to stay in that place.

As I sat there on my bed with my 18-month planner jotting things down that I would like to complete over the next several days, I started writing out a list of things I knew to be true:

'Procrastination never balances out; it's easier to keep my car clean if I stay on top of it; I'm less stressed when I save money; getting high on dextromethorphan scares the crap out of me; I am an alcoholic; carbohydrates affect my serenity; sugar makes my body hurt.'

These are all things that I wish I could remember three minutes before taking cough medicine rather than 40 minutes after, moments before I buy a tasty treat instead of four hours later when I feel like I'm having my joints ripped apart and I'm crippled by sensory overwhelm.

For the longest time, I wished that I could have them all in one place. Now I can. No more 'I thought you told me that x does x to you and x does x to you. You're confusing me!' Periodically, I intend to write out lists of truths so I can keep them committed to memory instead of letting my body forget right when it needs to remember.



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A smash and grab on my car...and my response was gratitude?

Not tonight. Several years ago now, but it happened at a point in my life where I would write so much that my hand would cramp up and I would need to stop and fold laundry. This was when I worked third shift at a hotel in Tewksbury folding bed linens and towels and I could see the good in all things.

I woke up, got ready for work and walked outside at about 10:30pm to find that someone had smashed in both of my passenger side windows. 

Know what my first reaction was?

Wow, that broken glass looks beautiful in the floodlights.

I'm not kidding. It was gorgeous. I called work. Then I called the police. 

A few days later I woke up and discovered that someone had smashed in the small rear passenger side window and stolen a cup of quarters that I had been using for laundry. My first reaction: They probably need it to by Christmas presents. I hope it helps.

I want that back. I want the ability to maintain the coolest head in the room while I watch everyone else run around and freak out wasting energy on something they can't change. I've always known that I was happier at that time in my life than any other, and I used to think it was because I was writing a lot. It wasn't. It was because I was sober and strengthening my spirit by looking for the good in everything.

Lately, I've been getting tastes of it. Not big tastes, but the ones that really count, like when you're moving a box of sugar and all of a sudden your tongue comes alive with the taste of a few granules that you didn't see.

It takes so much work to mine those moments, but the deeper you go, the better it gets. I promise!

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The Unmerited Gift

3 days of no distractions and no financial obligations whatsoever lie ahead of me. I have three days and three nights to spend with my little girl, to sleep in, to worry about absolutely nothing, and to stay off my phone as much as possible.

I wanted to thank everyone for their continued readership. I love the feel of my fingers tapping against the keys knowing that I'm bringing some measure of resolution to the army of ideas marching around in my head, and I'm so glad to have all of you with me to partake of that. The more I write, the more I grow because it's nearly impossible to write a lie.

For me, anyway.

It keeps me honest.

I'm starting to feel the joy that I felt as a kid at holiday parties or even just sitting around the dinner table with family, that warm feeling that hit my stomach the night I took my first shot, the one that added value to my life. Only now I can experience that love and warmth sober.

I chased the feeling of drunken euphoria long and hard, almost to the gates of death, and never once did I emerge from the slums of a bender unscathed, or having ever found what I was looking for. Now that I'm sober, I get to watch my daughter's eyes light up whenever she sees a Christmas tree. I get to read to her and feel what I'm reading. I'm starting to realize that it's okay not to feel emotionally safe sometimes because it is only when I take those risks that I feel anything at all.

I feel love, deep, whole, complete love for my child and it's such a blessing to be able to bring her so much joy, such a privilege to be able to introduce her to the world. I don't understand why I've been given such an unmerited gift, this most precious gift of being able to contribute to someone's life in this way. It's true what they say, that you get to relive your childhood through having children, but I never would have been able to experience it if I didn't take that first risk and stay sober for long enough to start feeling anything.

I think the best way to describe this gift, even though it transcends words--words could never hold a candle to the value of this particular gift--is that I get to feel my life. I get to live my life. I get to experience my life, instead of merely being alive and letting time go by simply because I have no other choice.



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I'm getting more of myself back...

...the longer I stay alcohol free. I seem to be enjoying an influx of joy and spirituality that I haven't felt since my relapse eight years ago. I am coming up on eight months without a drink and the fog has begun to lift for me.

I am utilizing my meditation room again, putting others ahead of myself and working steadily. I am also writing consistently (at this point I'm working on the LGBTQ story I promised everyone). I am slowly getting back into the habit of reading and most importantly, my communication with my daughter has begun to improve as I continue to do whatever it takes to keep this motivational stretch alive.

I reorganized my room again today because I couldn't stand it the way it was, anymore. Feel free to take a more proactive approach to problems in your life. It's kind of a bitch just waiting until you feel as though you might burst if you don't dedicate yourself making a change instead of just waiting for it to happen.

Changes take effect from the outside in. Motivation needs to be invited. It cannot be forced. It cannot be bribed. It cannot be bought. It does not come in the form of a pill, a pipe, or even a blog. It comes when you invite it. I shall use this final long burn to join the living, even if all that means is sitting in a circle and reading out of a book.

Thanksgiving food has no calories! Welcome Aboard, Ashley!

One thing I hardly ever discuss in these posts is my seeming inability to fail miserably without beating myself up for it. Failure isn't always a stepping stone to success. Sometimes it just sucks. I need to forgive myself for going completely hog on Thanksgiving food today. Thanksgiving food has no calories, no fat, no cholesterol and absolutely no repercussions whatsoever.

I did watch the Lions lose, hung out with Olivia, played Chinese checkers. I stayed sober, clean and smoke free and I was able to get a laugh out of someone with the pin I bought on my date with Becka, who is no longer in the picture but for whose company I am still deeply grateful. There are some people in this world who have the ability to judge with compassion exclusively. Becka is one of them.

I would like to say that I am one of them, too. I'm not. Not yet, anyway, but I'm working on it. This blog helps. It also helps to know that we've entered the Christmas season and that I can look forward to bringing as much joy to people as possible. I don't know why I need to remind myself to do it.

Things have been moving so quickly lately that it's become very easy for me to turn inward and to go into a place in my head where I don't need to process emotion. I think the understanding that everything is connected (something I seldom feel) and staying in the moment--something with which I've grown increasingly less familiar lately--are crucial to happiness, and what could make us feel more connected to the moment than doing something for somebody else?

An energy shot later, I sit here before the computer trying to hammer through a blog post that doesn't quite feel done. I like the way the keys feel beneath my fingers. I like the sound it makes. I like the feeling that pokes through the clouds when I write--the feeling that things are okay again, the feeling that things make sense again. I can type 66 words per minute and I still feel as though my thoughts are backing up, forming a line--single file--waiting for expression.

So many new people to write for and a whole new world to write about...lest this post go on forever, the best place to begin may very well be the end.

Until next time...


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Thank you all for accepting my friend requests! The Law of Exponential Attraction

Right now, I have two goals. One is to continue to generate exposure for my work. All of my work is and shall remain forever free and ad free. Again, I will accept no payment for my work. My aim is to get as many people as I possibly can in touch with the spiritual current that governs whether our lives remain difficult or become infinitely less stressful.

To that extent, I take no credit for the ideas that I'm setting forth. I believe that as the numbers go up, it will have been the work of the Universe. There are certain things in the Universe that refuse to go unspoken. One of them is that all things are exponential in nature.

What happens to an object when the source of energy behind it is removed?--it slows down! By the same token, the more momentum we have, the more influence we have, the more change we can affect. The possibilities mount ad infinitum.

My second goal is to call everyone's attention to the column that I maintain in Your Tewksbury Today. The above link will take you to the front main page of the online newspaper and you can search for my work by entering 'quantum' into the search bar in the upper right hand corner. So far I have run two series in that column. The first was titled Wresting Color From The Canvas. That one is about the 25 House Rules that govern the spiritual universe.

My new series is Quantum Exposed: The Leaders Among Us And How They Do It. Each Monday, I take a quotation from someone famous and give a brief explanation as to why it is an effective motivational tool. As always, I appreciate questions and comments. Please feel free to reach out and I can't wait to be with you on Monday morning!

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Back on my low carb diet; and a HUGE coincidence

Everything in moderation including moderation is a great philosophy to live by, especially when you fuck up and you need to justify eating way too much junk food after a strong run of avoiding it like the plague. 

Today, I started getting back into the groove of what it meant to eat healthy, not sparingly, not drastically...healthy and smart. I had an omelette for breakfast, I'm having a grapefruit now and I'm bringing an organic coconut meat power bar with me to work tonight. I'm going to try for 15,000 steps on my FitBit. If I come close enough I'll reward myself somehow, maybe by cozying up with a good book and waiting for a couple hours after I get home from work to take my sleeping pill.

I tried fishing today but it was way too cold. I met someone on the Concord River in Lowell, where I had taken pictures of the graffiti I had used to shape one of the stories I'm currently writing. I asked him for his name and he was hesitant to give it to me. I told him he could give me a false name and he told me his name was Skip. I wish I could have expressed to him how ironic it was that he had given me that name, since Skip is the name of one of the main characters in Shadow on the Hearth.

In it, I chew over whether or not to give Skip my real name.

*head spins* 

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The Tunnel

Lately I've been in what I like to call the Tunnel. It's not the Waiting Place--I think I have a post by the same name--it's the Rabbit Hole, where I get so obsessed, specifically with my relationship with my readers, that the rest of the world becomes a distraction and I try to run from it. 

I think that part of the reason I visit the tunnel is so that I can break the sense of isolation that I feel. I feel connected to my readers when I'm writing like I am now, and especially when I see that the number of hits on my blog has gone up since the last time I checked. 

It means I have an outlet. It means I'm not alone. It means I don't need to be depressed if I don't want to be because at the very least, my readers understand. I will say that as the weeks and months roll by, the number of followers on my blog increase, and that the number of people who read my column in Your Tewksbury Today has remained about a hundred for the last several articles. Those who do read my work are incredibly loyal. When I release a blog post, I usually have 12 hits within just a few minutes, like people wait for me to release it.

I can say that the feeling of moving forward was and still is very real, but it's lonely work and I don't like that. I would like to bring the sense of freedom that I feel to other people but I can't do that without coming way the hell out of my shell and just doing it instead of only talking about doing it. I'm not a hypocrite. I believe what I write and I try to live by it, but when I'm in this goddamn tunnel the only thing I can see is a light piercing a vastness of darkness that seems to stretch on for miles in every direction.

Where do I go from here? How do I break these chains without losing myself? Maybe more on this later tonight...gotta go for now. 

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I can do more with my writing than I thought I could...

When I released Shadow On The Hearth the other day, I knew that it would feel good, but what I did today felt awesome. I used the most popular keywords from when I went viral several years ago regarding the Zodiac 340 cipher and my proposed solution and included them in the title of an article I posted on the Your Tewksbury Today interface with a direct link to the story. The read-only version includes a pale yellow background and a picture of a pile of logs.

I did not enjoy my time in the spotlight. Misinformation in the first report (my fault) sent everybody off in the wrong direction. I was labelled a fraud, accused of using fame to try to turn a profit. I considered writing under a pseudonym in case a publisher found something of mine written well enough to buy into. I had even planned to release an anthology of short stories less than a year from now. All of the stories thus far have been written under aliases I've constructed.

Then I realized that for me, writing wasn't about money, and that I didn't want my spiritual explorations to satisfy my need for monetary gain. My work shall remain from here forth unmolested by profit, and if I'm going to publish my work for free, anyway, why not take it a step further and try to reach a larger audience? I'm not a fraud. I'll hear nothing of the Zodiac case from here on. My only intention is to show people through my work who I really am, instead of who I was portrayed to be by so many brave anonymous internet users. 

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Link to my first self-published novella, "Shadow on the Hearth."

This is my first ever self-published novella. Let this mark the copyright, November 5th, 2017, not to be reproduced without the express permission of author, Corey Starliper, self.

It shall remain available for viewing purposes only for a charge of $0.00

This story is a work of fiction, based loosely on a book I set out to write in college that I never finished. With this publication, I find resolution.

Shadow On The Hearth- By Corey Starliper

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Squeezing in a post to keep the numbers rolling...

I'm fascinated by the amount of organizational momentum I have in my life right now and I don't want it to go away. I know that we attract what we intend, but it's also important to note that we are not showing the Universe a desire if we don't set upon that desire physically and actually make some effort to compel it into actualization. What that means to the lay reader is that we can't stand around and expect to move things into play with our minds alone. We need to take the first step.

For this reason, I'm squeezing in a post when I know I probably shouldn't be, not because I'm avoiding reality or the need to start my day, but because I had a sudden rush of creative inspiration in learning how to sync my calendar with my mom's calendar through Google so there's no more discrepancy in our schedules. The more problems I iron out preemptively, the less energy I'll need to spend worrying about it later, especially if it pops up on my phone.

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I got my new laptop in the mail yesterday!

Which means I can now sit up late at night after work or when no one else is home, upstairs in the comfort of my own room, and write post after post of everything or nothing, spiritual, motivating, life altering, perception challenging.

Hell, I could even post a poem in place of a cohesive piece of intellectual beauty. The possibilities are endless.

The reality is I'm so comfortable at my work desk in my room with my laptop here in front of me that I can honestly say that I am happy with the way things are in my life right now, and doesn't my happiness depend entirely upon that which I happen to be obsessing at the time?

Right now I'm obsessed with the opportunity to explore my art in privacy. It's been so long since I had a laptop that I forgot what it felt like to have one. It so incredibly convenient, and this one was cheap! I got it at the Discount Computer Depot. $99 for enough memory to run whatever I need to, Windows 10, and the ability to...I don't know, it just feels right!

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