The Rippling...

I've been very busy lately. My plans to post every evening have yielded to my responsibilities with my new job. I have not had time recently to just sit down and write like I wish I could. I did upload a quick post to Your Tewksbury Today, but for the most part, I've been with many preoccupations both mentally and geographically which have simply not permitted me the time, or frankly the need, to journal.

I will say that I am glad the majority of my readers are anonymous. It gives me the freedom to express myself as someone who has a clear message and a way with words, rather than as someone who carries with him a history of not being able to communicate well in person at all. Knowing that I can express myself at all is a blessing, but that I can do it through my supported channels takes the pressure off my delivery.

I hope everyone is doing well. Please feel free to reach out to me at theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com, hit me up on Facebook, leave a comment, like, share...you know the drill. 

I am feeling: Ripple, ripple, ripple...

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Black and white thinking is too exclusive to be practical...

There are subtle shades of Gray highlighting every extreme decision that we make for ourselves.

I mentioned that I settled on a fishing approach. At the time, I meant it. Then I figured out that it's too difficult to get chicken livers to stay on the hook, even with the netting.

I will only go when I have a full day to waste. I will only fish one location. I will only use one lure. All of these are promises that I've made to myself with deep resolve.

I've broken all of them several times in the interim.

Black and white thinking can be advantageous, especially in times of increased stress, but as a rule it's far too restrictive to have a practical application.

I used to believe that I was at fault for every miscommunication that occurred between myself and someone else because it's been presented to me that I have Asperger's.

Do I have a crystal ball? Can I guarantee that EVERYONE who crossed paths with me in the last 33 years was confused by a non sequitur that I dropped?

No.

I used to challenge the Universe to give me everything it had in order to test my patience. Now I simply pray for the patience to wait for those obstacles to present themselves.

I'm okay with things not being in complete alignment. I'm okay with shooting for 95%. I'm okay with not having answers. I'm okay with waiting to be okay.

I am tempted in this final paragraph to dismiss black and white thinking as fundamentally maladaptive, but that, in itself, would be too much of an umbrella statement to make my point without folly.

Balancing my body at long last...

Sincerely...I have had more than enough of this shit with my back. I've been to the chiropractor and presented my former employer with plenty of doctor's notes. It won't happen with my present employer because I've decided that I am never going to hurt my back like this again.

I am going to start working on my abs and I'm not going to stop until I can hang off the edge of a helicopter and bring my knees to my chest with a freaking donkey strapped to my ankles.

I just posted the House Rule stating that balancing the body is the first spiritual practice. I included a few snide comments about how much I hated it, but the reality is my body is rebelling after years of my not taking care of it.

The situation is unacceptable.

My schedule is going to be very hectic for the next couple of weeks but I'm sure I'll find the time to work the gym into it and if I can't, I'll be doing planks and pushups at home. 

**I won't publicize my goals because I feel that to publicize them would rob me of the energy I need to present my case to the Universe. I've been applying this principle more and more lately. Take, for example, the notion that relating a burden to someone else takes half the weight off your shoulders. Sharing an intention with someone diminishes the frequencies along which you can cast that intention, thereby reducing your chances of success.**

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I've finally settled on a fishing approach...

I found bait mesh on Amazon and ordered it. I'll have it in two days, and the first chance I get, I'll be off to Wal-Mart to pick up chicken livers. They sell them in tubs.

Cast, wait, and bring in whatever hits the hook.

I figure I can bring my shit pad with me and take notes while I wait--I've been using it a lot lately.

Sitting there in the sun with a tub full of chicken livers spoiling next to me and a notebook full of ideas would do so much for me I'm afraid to utilize it. You can only really love something once if you're an addict like me. Maybe I could do it once a month to keep it from getting dry on me.

So many things are moving into place for me so quickly. You know, the less stressed out you are, the longer you're apt to live. Thing is, I go from zero to 60 in about three seconds, so I bounce back and forth between a life expectancy ranging from a further 10 years to a further 80 years.

I prefer the latter. I'll die with enough money to put my grandchildren through school.

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Belief; the proof is in the process...

I have more constant readers on this blog now than I ever did before. What am I doing right?

I have to believe that posting frequently has something to do with it, and I am almost positive that following through on what I keep telling you guys I'll do has helped. I remember writing posts with absolute certainty that I would either make good on what I said I would do, or, at the very least, try like hell, and feeling terrible about myself for subsequently doing neither.

This seems more real, more organic. Bar stool dreams definitely have their place in our lives but our reality is based on the changes that we affect, not the changes that we merely consider implementing. Bar stool dreams and empty promises are nothing but castings.

I remember reading something once, a quote that sounded way too common to credit one person with it's inception.

People may not believe what you say, but they will always believe what you do.



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I can't be stopped...

The only person who can hold me back from doing what I want to do--within reason--is myself. I made a couple of financial moves this morning, positioning myself for a three month run of literally doing nothing with the money I have coming in. I also reset the clock on my binge-eating abstinence counter.

A slip doesn't need to turn into a fall.

I also wanted to drop in and do what I said I was going to do, which was to blog. My back is doing a little better. I'm not starting work until next week and I have ample time to spend with my family before things start picking up speed again. There's no reason that I should exclude blogging from that experience, especially given the degree of serenity that I enjoyed when I was doing it on a regular basis.

Millman says that we zoom in and out of spirituality like a camera lens, zooming in when we need to make an adjustment, panning back to observe our entire condition, mental, spiritual and physical, and zooming back in when we realize that we still have not achieved the perfect balance. It's like when you're writing a letter and you move your hand out of the way to read what you've written before you continue, pausing to check your work...et cetera.

It wouldn't make any sense for us to be so involved in spirituality all the time that we forget to experience things on earth. This blog is about a practical approach to spiritual living, and if I'm not at the very least coming up for air now and again, my approach is not practical, and it becomes like many other things in my life...just another obsession.

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Inertia...

That's what I need.

I need to summon the karmac armies. What a beautiful oasis the Law of Attraction can be for the weary.

It's shortly before bed and I'm sitting here before the computer reflecting on my day. I just spent a quiet hour listening to stories of people like me who would like to improve their spiritual condition. I should end days in such a manner more often, even if I need to do it from home.

Nonetheless, I wanted to blog again like I said I would to see if I could alert the universe to the need for an influx in spiritual momentum and readership. It would be more relaxing if there weren't people in the kitchen chatting the paint off the walls, but I could also be doing this upstairs...

I do like the company, though :)

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Where was I? Doesn't matter. Where am I now?

With my back on the mend and the calendar year lurching forth into the Fall and Winter months, I am reminded that I need to slow down. My mind races, anymore. It's hard to keep track of everything. Part of the reason I'm only churning out a post a week is that I keep forgetting about this blog.

I keep thinking I can control things with a physical application when tranquility and balance begins in the heart. The reality is I ate better, made more money and had a stronger relationship with my daughter when I was focused on this blog to the exclusion of more trivial pursuits.

If I can't make a swift transition into daily posts, I want to at least start posting regularly, maybe addressing my blog before I sit down to work on my novella after Olivia is in bed. I won't pretend to know what spiritual doors will reopen for me once I have, but it's got to be better than where I am now.


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I've rediscovered writing...

I usually obsess about something for a couple of weeks and then get side tracked, so it would not surprise me if I did so in this case. It would, however, be very disappointing.

I've met someone who has sold several thousand copies of a litany of works through self publishing, and he has promised to take me, and my subsequent career in writing, under his wing. A heartfelt thank you, first and foremost, for his patience and dedication.

Shortly--within the next couple of weeks--I hope to release a novella that's been in the making for over a decade. Presently, the manuscript is being reviewed by a professional editor (one of my lifelong dreams) and since I consider it editor ready, I've moved onto a novella that I've been struggling for some time to draw to a close.

The prevailing theme will be reflections and how they distort reality.

In my conversation yesterday with this individual, I found not only excitement, but closure. He not only reminded me that motivation to keep writing was real, but that it was never out of reach.

"Keep typing and keep persisting," he told me.

Part of the reason that phrase resonated with me the way it did is that I want to be buried with a typewriter so I have something to relax me when I kick off. I love typing. Why have I spent so much time writing everything by hand?

Can you imagine the sense of validation that this brings me? I'm a writer!

Thank you for not reading this...

...it's more important that I express myself presently than it is that people listen.

If you care to listen, come aboard. I've missed you, and more importantly, I've missed myself. I am back on the blogging bus, back to wearing my pentacle and my crucifix (I maintain that I am of no particular denomination but I try to emulate Christ as a pagan if that makes any sense).

I'm back to carrying my power beads on me, though I've yet to begin meditating on them again. I still know what each bead represents. There is a wooden bead in the middle of the string representing whatever I need that I don't know I need at the time, and it harnesses that quality.

From the center, bone beads representing: sobriety, serenity, self, patience, meditation, and love.

I colored 'patience' in blue because I was focused on it at the time. For now I just want to get back into the habit of carrying them on my person.

I am still sober. Props to my Higher Power whom I choose to call Not Me. I no longer feel the need to save the world. I got caught up in the blog bog maintaining my column with the newspaper, waiting with baited breath to find out how many hits each post got.

To hell with it. People will come. And if they don't...

Well, shit. Come on!

Yes, I'll say it. I have an ego. And of course I have a different perspective on things. I have Asperger's. The funny thing is when I share what works for me with other people, it starts working for those people, too. Little things, big things...it doesn't matter. What matters is that I was born with a different perspective. I didn't earn it.

I have earned readership. I will give myself that credit, but if I am to be of any help to others, I need to stay the hell out of the way and let the Universe speak through me. I need to let the Universe afford me clarity. I need to let the Universe deliver the message in my tongue.

I need to feel my astral heartbeat again.  

Writing for two different audiences and trying to keep everything straight...

...had grown very tedious up until a few days ago, when I reminisced with a good friend of mine about some of our more meaningful experiences regarding spiritual growth.

I have decided to embrace the part of myself which I had embraced back then, the side of myself that only made decisions I could clear out of self-respect.

Any decision based on fear is not a decision. It's a response, just like when my hermit crabs (all six of them now) curl up into their shells if I approach the new enclosure too quickly.

I feel like it will take me some time to transition into this new way of living, but it starts with my sobriety and being the best father I can be to my little girl.

Beyond that, I think it's just doing the next right thing, which isn't always easy.

Should I start training again?

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