I've been working through some things lately and I've identified a couple of beliefs that I used to hold that no longer make sense.
One of them is the belief that everything is black and white.
I'm either a failure or a success. I am either slow at work or extremely fast. When I think I want to start running, I aim for the Boston Marathon instead of the end of my street. The reality is that this black and white thinking has a tendency to be dangerously misleading, not to mention self-defeating.
Is it possible, instead, that maybe not every social situation I've needed to review took a wrong turn because of something I missed? Could someone else be partially to blame for the miscommunication?
I guess the other point of interest isn't so much a belief but a filter through which I interact with the world: I have extremely high expectations of myself, and little hope that I'll ever achieve those expectations. My psychology is tearing my spirit apart.
That's a tough spot to be in.
This is not aided by black and white thinking, where I criticize myself as a failure for the smallest thing. If I don't do something perfectly, if I don't do something quickly enough or I misplace my keys, I cannot be forgiven.
By the same token, I firmly believe that I am capable of conquering the world, which may not be complete bullshit--I consider myself an optimist--but it distracts me from the need to run to the end of my street first.
If I were to label myself, which is never a good idea, I would call myself an egomaniac with absolutely no self esteem.
What has me freaking out is that the two major filters through which I've grown accustomed to viewing the world no longer hold up under scrutiny, so I've gone from certainty and the need for total control over things, to 'holy shit, what do I do now?'
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