Update on my training, why it failed and what I'm doing to realign my priorities

Original Articles. Constant-Content.

While I did not complete the four articles I had hoped to, I have been very productive in other areas. I think I earned another nine hours per week back at work which I had lost when I was transferred. It seems that my effort speaks for me. While I'm friendly with associates, I would prefer better control over how much I talk. If I could dial it back a bit, I may have more energy, or more clarity regarding the best way to break down the tasks to which I am assigned in order to expend the least about of energy. There is something to be said for remaining quiet, for listening more than speaking. It puts you in a place where things make sense.

I took a book out of the library yesterday about Thomas Capano and the murder of Anne-Marie Fahey. I've read 166 pages so far. I don't know if it's the way the plot is presented or the way the print is formatted but it's a very easy read. Very informative, very little swearing or vulgarity save direct quotes from Capano or his brother. I decided that with an entire consortium of interesting and free material at my disposal, why shouldn't I set out to learn a little something? I like to learn new things and I seem to feel better about myself, more collected and less stressed when I'm reading on a regular basis. It also tends to encourage creativity.

I used to obsess about true crime. This is different. This time I think I'm more interested in the general information presented in the book. I don't care as much about specific license plates as I do that a car was involved in the murder somehow. I find it to be a much more leisurely and enjoyable experience when I allow the story to tell itself rather than hold every line under scrutiny. It also feels like less of an obsession and more like something to do. Of course I have the immediate need to read every book in the library because that's just how I am. Let's start with one book relevant to my interests and see where we go from there.

I'm going to take much the same approach with my dedication to Constant-Content. I am going to continue to write for the platform on a regular basis, but to set such high expectations for my income was a mistake. I might be able to hit that number if I don't think about it, if I just write for something to do as opposed to something I have to do, but I have very little chance of ever writing again if I view it as a chore. I'm almost certain that that is why I did not write those four articles the other day. I was tired, but I also went fishing when I could have easily invested the same amount of energy writing, but could I have? Could I have really been as invested in a chore as in a leisurely activity? 

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

1st full day gluten free...

Original Articles. Constant-Content.

I did okay with my training today, not perfect, but okay. I'm not writing tonight but I will be tomorrow morning before work and likely after work as well. I'm excited to report that this is the first full day in several months where I've managed to avoid gluten altogether. I'm going through the sugar detox so I'm testy, but the ultimate goal of bringing my A1C down will probably increase my lifespan, so I'll take it.

With the privacy I have tomorrow after work, I need to buckle down on the writing. I did burn out a bit but last night I expanded my categories and I've been getting signs from the universe in the form of monetary rewards that I need to keep up the good work. I'm onto something.

Olivia and I had a very good day. We found an awesome Nintendo game called Dig Dug that we played together. Olivia found solace in organic strawberry yogurt, chicken and french fries and I won her favor by getting her a cookie at Market Basket.

We threw rocks in the water today. That was fun. It was nice to get out. It was absolutely gorgeous today. This marks the first day this year that I was able to wear my denim jacket. I need more clothes. I have nothing springy. It's all jeans, bathing suits and sweatpants, and one work shirt that actually fit me. Olivia has a ton of clothes I haven't put her in that she's growing out of. Oh, including the dragon costume that she wore for Halloween last year. She was all too excited to wear it to Wal-Mart earlier today.

Tomorrow's training will be all about writing. If I spend 4 hours on Constant-Content, I win!!

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Glad for a break; update on my training

Original Articles. Constant-Content.

Now that I know I don't need to worry about work while I have my daughter with me, there's no reason for me to be on my phone during those hours either. I will spend quality time with Olivia as often as I am able, and write when she's either asleep or not here.

I left my phone in the car to make it easier for me to accomplish this. I may have resolved not to look at my phone until Olivia goes down tonight, but if I have it within reach, all it's going to do is tempt me. It's pouring out. It's not worth getting wet to send off a few text messages, and Olivia is far more important to me than communication with anyone else.

It feels good to relax. I need to remember that while the only thing between my realistic expectations of myself and the person I am now is action, I'm not a machine that can run for long hours without rest. There needs to be a system of checks and balances . Without it, I'm apt to embrace the hell out of a dream that I'll burn out on, and that scares me.

With respect to my training, I've decided to turn my sights on satori, awareness and appreciation of everything going on around me in the present moment. I want to focus on gratitude, the warm feeling I should get when I watch Olivia's eyes light up--I need to be in a certain place emotionally for her to produce that effect in me, and it won't happen if I'm bashing away at a keyboard while she's at home in the same room, screaming down a long corridor to get my attention.

I want to feel warmth again. When I touch a carpet I want it to touch me back like it did when I was kid (Millman reference). I want to experience true separation from financial worry, and that means letting go of the work bug in Olivia's presence no matter how excited it makes me. Life is not about money. Life is about love. Love is about the present moment, satori, and financial worry is about the future.

I know for a fact that something has been missing in my relationship with Olivia, and I know for a fact that I can now embrace whatever that is. It has to be possible, or literally everything else in my life would be completely pointless. There is something in this life that we are meant to lay hold of, and I won't stop until I find it.

I'll report back on my progress tomorrow night.

Blessed be!

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Regarding an error in the last post; What to look for next

Original Articles. Constant-Content.

It turns out that Constant-Content has eliminated the offer widget. If you see something you like, feel free to make me an offer through my personal email at coreystarliper01@gmail.com.

I've learned a lot in the last few days about search engine optimization and about platforms that measure your performance within different demographics. As generating pageviews has once again become a focus of mine, I hope I can use everything I've been writing about to keep continued exposure front and center.

In the interim, look for a post in the next day or so. I will be uploading old journals entries picking up where I left off, somewhere in May 2014.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Posting my work elsewhere!

Original Articles. Constant-Content.

Just looking at the last month, I have invested my time and energy in so many different things that I swore to God I would be all in on and that I've subsequently rejected in favor of the newest obsession, whatever that might be. 

Presently, it's writing like hell for a platform called Constant Content where people can write about whatever they want and set their own prices. Constant Content takes 35% of the sale price, which isn't awful if you consider how long it would take me to write 6 articles at $50. 

I have been aiming for that number and have fallen a tad short, but not by much. I have 11 articles up for sale as of this moment. If anyone is interested in any of the titles, please feel free to make me an offer. The widget leading to my profile, where you can purchase anything I have up for the full price or an offer I agree to, will be found at the beginning of every blog post going forward. Legally, I have every right to display it.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Counting the ashes as they fall...

Things have been very hectic for me lately and I was going to wait for things to settle down before updating, but the longer I wait for things to settle down, the more gets blown out of place. I feel like I'm in something of a mine field, not really sure in which direction to look next or exactly what to do. Even in my down time I feel as though I should be doing something else, like I'm being run down by the eight ball instead of running behind it.

I've gone from having way too much meat on my plate (the inability to be content with being content) to wishing all of a sudden that I could be content again. I thought for a bit that it could be the amount of caffeine I've been using but there have been no radical changes to my intake. I feel like I need time to step back and look at things, to pan back. I right now I feel like I have my nose to the wall.



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4/6/2018- I got an electric typewriter!

It's old, it's loud, it's heavy, but it's mine. I have named her Old Faithful after a typewriter in one of my stories. She came with a broken cursor, which I removed without causing any further damage to the machine. The alignment may be off a little, but overall the piece brings me a sense of completion. I had debated whether or not to pick it up, but I traded $40 for the typewriter with the carrying case and the ink cartridge that was already in there. All of the bells and whistles work, and Olivia has already written a story on it.

The story I'm working on now will turn out to be a book. I've only written a couple of novels, but I can feel this one shaping up to be relatively long in comparison with my other works. I don't want to lower the frequencies available for my intention so I'll only release it when I've given the final draft my stamp of approval, with candle wax and my thumb print. Suffice it to say it's a romance with much darker overtones than I'm used to working with.

I do still intend to release all of my journal entries up to this point, but with my focus on my new toy lately I don't foresee typing up any old entries within the next few days. It got really intense there for awhile reliving things in such vivid clarity, and I don't want to force posts from my past into the present. It seems like that would be in violation of a law of some sort. I would prefer they filter in naturally.

I am re-upping my dedication to avoiding my phone. I find that my relationship with Olivia is much stronger when I'm not being led by the ear into the addictive caverns of cyberspace. In the interim, I plan to make the best of this unjustifiably cold, crappy day.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

4/3/2018- I have arrived at long last

Today. Whatever tomorrow brings I'll greet with a smile and open arms, because if it's any reflection of how things have been going lately, it will bring something worth smiling about.

In the last 24 hours I have restructured my financial plan, my fishing regimen and my nutritional plan to reduce stress. I had my phone with me today but didn't use it often, and at the end of the day, when I finally had time to do so, I sat down with my daughter, wrestled with her, played P.J Mask with her, cleaned up the living room with her and got her to bed with a smile without a peep.

And you know what?

I forgot all about my financial plan for once.

I didn't hyperfocus on it. I used genuine father/daughter time to bring myself down from a cold couple hours of thinking and fishing.

Everything I've decided to implement in my plan to reduce stress involves preparing for later so I that I don't need to worry now. Among them, my decision not to touch my investment account until this time next year.

That includes no purchases. No compulsive checking. No stock tickers on my phone. I have a sizeable amount of shares in a biotech company set to soar, and this morning it lost half of it's value before 10:30am.

Am I stressed? Not a freaking bit, because I'm holding for a gain. Come zero or hero, I'm not budging for a year.

*washes my hands clean of that bit, whoops and hollars!*







See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Trigger warning: bullying; the emergence of my second personality

05/03/2014

Charissa came over. She brought me a framed picture of her with the baby. The thought was sweet, one of the nicest small things that anyone has ever done for me. It made my day. The fact that the Bruins won was the icing on the cake. They scored four goals in the third period to take the game 5 to 3. They are now 1 and 1 in the semi-finals with the Canadians. They started the last series the same way. Then they proceeded to win 4 games in a row to take the series against Detroit in the quarterfinals.

Charissa's mom is having hip surgery in a couple of weeks. I told her to let me know if there was anything I could do for her. As of late, I've had the urge to be of service to anyone in need of it, an odd notion, as I've spent most of my life in need of service from others.

As Scott and I watch the Bruins game the other night, I began to open up to him about my faith. I was shocked at how accepting he was at the notion that the Book of Mormon could be interpreted in more than one way.

I read him some stuff out of my journal, told him about Jessie and about the sexual assault I'd endured on a hot night in August nine years earlier--I would eventually discover through cognitive behavioral therapy sessions that it was in the immediate aftermath of the event that I solidified Jessie as a second personality to help me cope with what had happened--and told him that Wicca parallels Christianity on a number of levels. I also told him that Paganism was one of the oldest religions in the world and that I found it humorous that people regarded it as "new age."

He told me that the Book of Mormon teaches us to find Truth wherever possible. Truth with a capital T. The fact that it makes no reference to parallel Dimensions does not restrict the Seeker from seeking truth within them./

I had started talking about exploring under the bridge at Middlesex Community College. Prior to that, I had spoken to a man who had locked his bike against the chain designed to keep the pedestrians from climbing down onto the lower land. He bragged about three fish he had caught illegally. He showed me pictures of them on his phone (I would regard them presently as decent catches, which is why I mentioned them here).

Once I got bored with the college campus, I followed the canal out by the DCF office. I didn't know it before but apparently three or four dams guide water through the canal in Lowell. The dam closest to myself and most accessible to pedestrians was surrounded by trees on three sides and pavement on the last. As I approached it, I saw three teenagers. A young girl was on one side of the dam (mine). Across from her, another girl and another boy stood with smirks. I eyed a pink backpack hanging from a tree limb on the side opposite me, but quickly dismissed it.

I scanned the length of the canal within my line of sight and found that had the group been together at one point, the only way the other two could have crossed would have been a beam approximately 8 inches wide, floating ten or 12 feet above the raging torrent below.

My eyes drifted once again to the backpack.

This time I got it--the backpack belonged to the girl on my side of the dam, and the boy was taunting her with it.

The two were in a stalemate. I reached for my phone to call the police but soon discovered that I didn't have it with me.

Shit.

I didn't want to fetch help because that would have meant leaving the scene. I felt that as the only adult in the situation, I exerted some measure of control over it--in hindsight (journal reflection present day, hereforth indicated by JRPD) this was probably true, but it's likely that I had much less control over the situation than I thought I did.

I didn't want to confront the boy because I didn't have a plan. I wasn't going to threaten him with the police because I didn't have my phone, and I didn't want to run the risk of heating things up.

I decided that my best course of action would be to make my presence known, and to make it clear to all involved that I wasn't going to leave until the situation had come to peaceful resolution.

I addressed the girl on my side of the dam.

"Don't do it," I urged her.

"I'm not going to," she told me. I didn't trust the response. I could see it, the way her breath kept catching in her chest, the way she kept shifting her weight.

What I can now only describe as pure instinct presented for me then as the need to oversee the situation from a caretaker's perspective.

As the taunting became more deliberate, I was compelled to step in again.

"That water will suck you under it before you can even take your first breath."

She smiled nervously. She was uncomfortable with me there, but I was too uncomfortable with the situation to walk away.

I paced anxiously but refused to recant. I was going to keep the situation under control whether they liked it or not.

It didn't take long. The boy eventually conceded, took the bag in his hand and began scooting across the beam. He held the bag out over the water on the way for good measure, laughed once and continued scooting.

He arrived safely on our side of the dam, followed by the girl behind him. As soon as she was on dry land, I left.

I was disgusted by the lack of consideration that the boy had shown for the girl. I was also proud of the girl for standing her ground, something I am not entirely sure I would have done had I been presented with her choices at that age.

I suspect that she will relive the situation enough times to prompt her to find new friends. Regardless, I was afforded a momentary albeit powerful glimpse into the depreciation of reason that occurs with the onset of puberty.

The greatest threat the Adolescent faces is himself. At face value, the depreciation of reason would appear to be a big step in the wrong direction, a de-evolution of sorts. If you really think about it, though, it makes perfect sense. At the simplest level, adolescence is a period of development where individuals explore the boundaries of social interaction and human potential, including those surrounding death.

That doesn't make them any less of a threat to themselves, or to others. It's just my way of entertaining denial about the fact that my daughter will someday Explore her own boundaries surrounded by immaturity, rebellion, thrill-seeking and a complete disregard for human life/

The baby is sleeping, I put my articles on hold, and I have the entire night to spend time with the only thing other than exercise that seems to keep my head on straight lately...this Journal.

Line after line, thought after thought, there becomes a physical assignment for things which have been clouding my brain. Writing helps me process and always has. It's odd how the confusion of the present the zips up so neatly in the past. Seeing it on paper reminds me that I'm on a path, not just floating aimlessly about a reality that has no place in the rest of the universe. The past and our perception of the past are two completely different conditions on Earth.

Writing also allows my subconscious to bear itself. I seek knowledge constantly, and one of the best ways to access knowledge is to figure out what's going on behind the scenes and to resolve it.

One of the things that I need to work on is to keep the concept of doing good for others fresh in my mind. I wrote earlier that I will become how I choose to view the world. I will also become how the world chooses to view me.

Looking back over the years, I was happiest when I was around happy people, doing good for others, and living my life in the Light. I wish I could have seen that I was happy back then, but it's a law that we cannot. We are biologically programmed to take it for granted. We only begin to seek happiness actively when we are no longer possessed of it.

I used to believe that the darkness was more satisfying than the Light. Bullied for years, it made more sense for me to just unload my frustrations on somebody rather than go out of my way to help them.

Free from the struggles I endured back then--whether that is now to my spiritual detriment or not--I find the Light to be superior.

It's hard to describe the Light. I guess I'll start by saying that it's the emotional equivalent to feeling warm air on your cheeks when you come in from the cold, but it's not so focused as to disclude the emotional warmth that would have come with the experience.

Exploration of Sustainable Satisfaction-

The Light is entirely a full body experience. It is physical.

It is exciting, relaxing, rejuvenating, often sexual (where lovemaking is concerned--the array of emotions experienced during intercourse is vast, many of them deeply rooted in religious fulfillment), complete, pure...instant gratification without "the crash."

Living in the Light expands your reality. As I look over at the picture I have on my nightstand, the picture of Olivia and Charissa, I wonder why I've been waiting so long to embrace happiness.

Is it possible to live without the Light? Yes. I only say that because I have experienced that state of being, though I hasten to say that it was not a voluntary course.

I once wrested satisfaction from bringing harm upon others. People bit me and I bit back ten times harder, and I enjoyed the effect.

This is not a source of pride for me. I raise this character defect to your attention because a major theme in this journal is allowing my readers to explore the ways in which their world relates to mine without bias or fear that others may not relate to me in the same way.

Everyone has monsters under the bed...everyone. No one on this Earth is safe from the Thought Police.

05/04/2014

I went to church today. As I don't smoke anymore, I didn't get up for a break, and I stayed the whole three hours. My favorite part of the message came during the last class, when brother Cooprider was comparing the efforts of the church to strategies employed by those in battle.

First, one must gather information. Next they must analyze the data. Then they must plan. Review. Revise. Revisit. Only then can they begin capitalize on the enemy's weaknesses.

In the case of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Satan is the adversary. Satan is Darkness, problems, struggle, pain, difficulty, adversity, and anger. He encompasses all that is dark, or in simpler terms, the absence of Light. I am ambivalent as to whether or not I should continue to view Satan as a literal figure or as a figurative one.

To many people, He is both.

The Book of Mormon suggests that God is building up His army in preparation for a literal war between good and evil. The fact that the church executes its attacks on evil with such strategy was something of which I was unaware, but I was struck deep with excitement when I heard it.

Can I really use strategy, my one and only true friend, to save those around me from despair, to wage war against the darkness, and to reap the rewards of perpetually renewing positive Karma?

Is it possible that I have found the answer to living a full life here?

I invited my dad up to Camp Collier on the 23rd. He insists that Mormons are out to convert members. If non-members could feel what I feel, would they turn to the Light? If they were to take the Word figuratively and consider the happiness that lies in wait for those who would partake of it, would they seize upon the opportunity?

The darkness is only satisfying short spurts. For those of you who were like me, terrified that a life led in the light would be overwhelming, there is more than enough darkness in the world to keep you anchored, for as it can be cast aside when you don't need it, it can be called upon when you do, and it will be.

We are human after all/