Work quietly...

...and let your work speak for you.

More on this later!

What I Learned About Frustration With Meditation

During my Tuesday night meditation class I made it a point to share with the group my increasing frustration regarding my ability to maintain focus throughout my practice. I begin each session highly focused, deeply settled and calm. Halfway through the practice I open my eyes and twiddle my thumbs and wait for everyone else to finish, unable to bring myself to set myself up for failure again.

Meditation is about observation and discipline of the mind. The idea is to keep your focus on whatever the object of your meditation is, whether it be sound awareness, how your breath feels in the body, meta meditation (where you meditate for others), etc. Our minds are programmed to wander. When we lose sight of whatever the object of our meditation is, we set ourselves up to realize that we have done so. In principle, realizing that we have strayed from our object of meditation is cause for celebration, but it can be very disheartening.

One suggestion was that I observe the frustration and notice what it feels like physically to be frustrated. What does it feel like in my chest and stomach? What does it feel like as an emotion? The idea behind noticing what it feels like to experience certain emotions--frustration in this case--is that when they arise in our walking lives, our automated response will be to recognize them as familiar and to step back and observe them, releasing our attachment.

I declared my intention for the week to be observation in my walking life, observing what is actually going on as opposed to how my finite, automated brain perceives it. When I suggested that it should be relaxing, I was reminded that to think in that manner was to align myself with an expectation.

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Welcome Aboard Heather! Shoutouts to Cowabunga and Bob's Barber Shop!

I met Heather the other night. She directed me to the Harbor of Hope in Chelmsford. I'm tempted to check it out. From what I understand it's non-denominational and I think I need to lean on something more formatted than my current faith, which is a mix of Buddhism and Wicca.

I'd like to call out Bob's Barber Shop in Tewksbury for doing a stellar job helping me stay in denial about going bald by giving me an awesome trim. I've gotten several complements in the interim so thank you!!

Also, I want to call out Cowabunga's Indoor Play Center in North Reading for accommodating my eccentricity by giving Olivia and I glitter tattoos! Olivia got a Minion. I got a Simba from The Lion King.

I have a bunch of business cards in my pocket. I have found lately that when I need them I don't have them. It irritates me. It seemed that the business cards were helping, especially when I gave them to qualified leads, people with whom I strike up conversations as our paths happen to cross, institutions I frequent and the like.

I've been to the gym four times in the last two weeks. That is a record for me. I have gym goals, but I'll only mention the gym and my adherence to my exercise regimen as I complete the tasks I set for myself. In other words, I'm going to tell you what I've done...not what I'm going to do.

Should be a nice change.

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Less anxiety, more doing, 13 months sober

Whatever prompted the sense of clarity I've now been afforded, I can't thank the Universe enough. I felt myself losing it for awhile. No matter what I did, it didn't feel right. Now I feel as though I finally have the clean slate for which I've been longing.

I don't even remember losing sight of my priorities. I just remember wandering through a fog ready to crush anything and anyone that came between me and my next compulsion. I did not drink. I did not use drugs. I did have a few cigars a few weeks ago but have decided in the interim that I don't need the added stress of needing to quit smoking on top of everything else in my path, so I haven't had anything since.

When I woke up this morning, I cleaned out my car. I cleaned my room. I balanced my finances and started stacking wood before anyone else in the house. I now have the opportunity to relax, and more importantly, to reflect before work. I have had neither the time nor the inclination to reflect on anything lately in the same caliber that I used to be able to. The height of my spiritual growth coincided with my final feeble attempt to convince myself that I could drink like other people--I now know for a fact that I cannot.

With over a year of continuous sobriety under my belt, it's time to start looking at what it was I was doing back then that worked. What I see before me, once lush and green and vibrant, is now dry and barren. I now have the clarity to understand that I let go of something vital to my sense of peace and satisfaction, the feeling that I had so warmly embraced when I worked in the warehouse at Hanscom Air Force Base.

It's time for me to reclaim my mount, and I need to start looking for answers in the last place I wanted to look...inside.


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5/08/2014

I'm 2/3 of the way through a stressful day, and I can't wait to just get through it. I need to relax and focus on myself. I need to look forward to journaling, focus on the other people in my Father Support Group instead of trying to keep the conversation centered on me, look forward to my parenting class, to Scott coming over to watch the Bruins with me and to talking to Laura/ 

I got through my parenting class and Father Support Group. I'll call this particular young man Peter. His son was raped and he knew the assailant's home address. Two DCF workers listened in horror and continued to assess his capacity to commit murder. He spoke of the system and how he hated it. When asked near the end of the conversation what would make it better, he'd cast his eyes down at the table. He appeared to be in a state of hypnosis.

"Jail," he said. I truly believe that this individual has every intention, and the perfect motive, to commit a crime of passion. While I cannot read his mind, I could read his body language. It was cold, remorseless...everyone has their breaking point. Maybe that was his. After twelve years in Federal Prison, another sentence would seem not to overshadow the satisfaction he would get from obtaining retribution for his son. Or would it? I won't spend much time examining the annals of another person's psyche in this journal--I may reserve a special notebook for that later (in fact I probably will)--it was just intense to watch. Not something I see everyday and something I am grateful I don't have to see everyday. It's hard to be in that position.

Scott is late tonight and the baby went down early. This gives me plenty of time to write in this journal and try to process the day. It was long and painfully slow, but it was productive. I can only assume that our schedule will free up as time goes on, but with everything I've been through over the last ten weeks, nothing surprises me, anymore. I just wish the baby had a more stable routine, and--I'm going to be selfish here--I wish I had a more stable routine too, if only to be afforded the opportunity to come down on a regular basis. I don't mind long hauls, but everyone needs to diffuse at some point. At present, talking to Laura and writing in my journal are my most effective coping mechanisms. I've written many times that there is something hypnotic about watching the pen slide across the page. I got addicted to it awhile back. Now I use the gift more appropriately. Of course, the problem I am now running into is that in the moments I need it most, I don't have the chance to use it. 

Now that I do, and now that I have a little time on my hands, I want to address a problem that I've been having lately.

Anger.

A few years ago, I was ready to dedicate an entire notebook to anger. I was in the midst of watching my relationship with Vanessa disintegrate and I was angry all the time. I thought I could fix it but I couldn't. We broke up. As it was then, my current level of anger can be attributed to my lack of control. The difference between then and now is that now I want to be in the light so badly that the very thought of becoming angry somehow manages to piss me off. The anger that I experience is shallow, explosive, and once I get on a roll I become genuinely afraid that I might do something I'll regret. The scariest part is not knowing what./

First time in 61 years the Bruins and the Canadiens have gone scoreless after three periods in regulation. I was personally hoping for something a bit more exciting but I can't control everything. Scott headed home after regulation. I'll text him the verdict in the morning. In the interim, it's time for me to spend some quality time with the pen.

Summer is coming. I can't wait. I want Olivia to spend as much time outside as possible. It will be so good for her. Good for me too. I hear that vitamin D is good for the soul.

305 page views on my blog? over 150 a few days later?

I'm happily confused, but it's still a mystery. My average number of pageviews tends to fall between 30 and 45 when I post something new, but the two spikes I mentioned in the title were unprovoked from what I can tell.

Nonetheless, there is a new drive for me to continue on the writing path. Without a point of reference, I'll be tempted to screw around to see what works and what doesn't, but I think I need to start working this blog into my life more regularly. Maybe a post everyday instead of every two days, and a post for Your Tewksbury Today twice a week.

One of the mistakes I've been making is I've been looking for a point of reference in those things already available to me instead of making my own. I've been waiting for something ready-made to fall into my hands. How like us as a species! We have things handed to us. We don't consider venturing out into the world and making a nest of our own. I need to start nesting and I need to do it immediately with whatever I can find.

I need forage my own supplies.

For whatever it's worth I'm on the cusp of a major change, and it's been a long time coming. "We will remain the same until the pain of change is less than the pain of staying the same." -Richard Tosti-

I don't know. That's about all I have for this post. 

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05/05/2014

My mom is taking the baby for a walk, so this will really be the first chance I've had to work while on my medication. Between all the journaling and exercising I've been doing, hopefully I will be focused and relaxed enough to start really putting some numbers on the board. The more money I can make, the easier my life will be in the long run.

Financial instability is one of the many things which have stood in my way over the years, and I'd like to get it out of the way now since I'm doing so many other good things for myself.

I wonder what it's like to be free, I mean really free, free of myself, the side of myself that keeps whispering "it's not possible." I still have a long way to go before I reach that ideal, but for the first time, I think it's within my reach. Nothing in this world comes free, but it would seem that all the effort I've been putting into challenging myself lately is paying off. Slowly but surely, I will become better. Who will be waiting for me at the Finish Line?

I am sure the people will be there to cheer me on along the way, but I'm resigned to the fact that I will need to be my own motivation. That's another thing which has held me back over the years...looking to others for feedback as to how amazing I really am, and the inability to take that first step toward walking my dreams into reality. To be sure, I didn't know what my dreams were. Now that I do, they have begun to change. Odd, that our dreams of grandiosity seems so achievable as we do nothing, and the moment we begin taking steps toward our dreams, our preoccupation with grandeur is replaced by the sense of soundness that fills in around us when we do what we say we are going to do. Our smallest goals are the ones worth gloating about, simply for the fact that they demand no praise from anyone else but ourselves/

My opportunity to work just dissolved with a valiant effort to finish my last entry. I was under the impression that my mom would be gone for a couple hours. Apparently not. That leaves me watching Olivia until she goes down/

05/06/2014

I had a hell of a workout yesterday, and woke up sore after a conversation with Laura, at the end of which my medication levels dropped like a lead balloon, launching me into eccentricity. She was rather understanding of my predicament and continues to treat me like an equal. It's nice to have that sort of thing again. I found out that she's a country girl, and that makes her all the more attractive to me. She sent me a picture last night. She's beautiful, and she's beginning to open up to me. She told me that she didn't let people in easily. I hope I don't betray her Trust.

I didn't see much happiness in her eyes in the pictures she sent me. For someone who has such passion and the need to share, I was saddened not to see a smile. Her cool gray eyes and light brown hair are inviting. She said she's happy with herself, and it made me smile inwardly.

I also sent her a picture of me. She giggled and told me I was furry. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but she was satisfied so I let it go, confident in myself once again. She's at work right now. I miss talking to her in the capacity that I did last night, but I have enough to get done here. In that respect, it's probably a good thing that I'm not hanging on her every word quite yet. Besides, until the divorce is finalized, I couldn't really justify committing myself to anyone else (it would not be fair to them).

Is it ironic that Laura seems to be everything that I would want in a life partner? The desire to bear children, a country girl with a vocabulary and a deep respect for the arts? Or am I am printing my desire for companionship, family, my fantasy, on the first person of sound enough mind to gently disregard my troubles and see me for who I really am? Is Laura possessed of a deeper capacity to love than the rest of the world, or am I finally in a position to see the light and someone else? Looking back over the years, and my skewed view of the Light, I am genuinely frightened for anyone who has been in my position, who thought it was okay to merely exist, and to walk about as the shell of a person, never knowing that there was another world waiting just around the corner, a world full of bounty sufficient to fertilize the barren wasteland with which they become so familiar. The darkness will rock you to sleep. Does Laura know that?

I hope so. I hope that if she doesn't, it will be presented to her piece by piece until it becomes apparent to her their faith is more freeing than anger. I hope she sees what I see. I hope I can show her what I see. If she's open to it, I am confident that she will drink of it./

05/07/2014

Thank you Moon. Good morning Sun. I have no idea where to start today. The spirit is willing but the body is weak. All I want to do is curl up and go to bed, but I want to be alone with journal for as long as I can this morning, and I'm putting it away when the baby gets up. The construction on the development behind our property does not help. Olivia is waking up an hour ahead of schedule because of it. Those tiny Grunts and whines, followed by short bursts of deep sleep as she floats out of REM to greet the morning are very satisfying to me today, I find. It looks to be a beautiful day. Maybe I'll take her for a light walk with me. If not, I'd like to be on the floor interacting with her, telling her how much I love her. I haven't been doing that as much as I should lately, and I miss it.

I started the day with my medication and most of a bottle of water. I don't know if I'm losing weight, but I'm replacing fat with lean muscle, which is really quite refreshing. I've set out to build muscle before and have for a while, always losing interest. This time I'm not as focused on physical Beauty. I'm more focused on physical fitness. The pain in my chest and my abs is a welcome addition to the emotional discomfort I'm akin to feeling. It means that I'm improving, and the desire to continue to do so makes me smile/

Therapy went well today. I'm really starting to narrow down my goals. I was clear, I spoke clearly, I'm related my past to my present. Our job is to figure out how my past is connected to the present, so that I can begin to shape my future. Without getting too deep into it, I think I'm doing most of the work and that he is guiding me as I go. I think there's Journal is really helping. I think the walking is really helping, the medicine is helping, and I'm slowly beginning to peel back layer by layer, little by little. My potential is beginning to shine through. I think I just need a more focused approach before I can begin to capitalize on it. There's something I'm not doing. I just can't figure out what.

I don't like the fact that I can't put my words together as well right now as I've been able to lately. I have to really think about what I put down.

I am chatting with Laura. Mom and dad just got off the phone with Gloria. I'm starting my parenting class tomorrow. Just another mark on my mom's calendar. What a mess this month is. Hopefully, if it doesn't get any better, I'll find a better way to deal with it.

From now on, when the baby is home, my phone and journal are staying in my room until 8:30 p.m (this failed), at which point I will journal, chat with Laura, and do whatever else it takes to calm myself down. For the rest of the time, I need to be downstairs with Olivia, working when I can, working out when I can, and ultimately making the most of the medication that I'm on. I know the things will fall into place for me if I can settle into a routine. I just want everything out of life right now. I especially enjoy spending quality time with Olivia, and I really am excited to have Laura to look forward to after a long day of getting by, making myself better... Doing the same thing as everyone else for once. Let's go Corey! Let's go!/

They have seized blasting in the development out back and commensed the familiar urban drawl of incessant pounding, which begins at 7 a.m., and doesn't stop until at least 5.

I prefer this to the blasting. The last blast shook the house so hard that I could hear the China rattling.

That was yesterday.

I don't know how much of today I've already covered, but I'm letting my phone charge, letting Laura relax, and struggling to find myself in words I find I can suddenly expel from my soul with the ease and confidence of a used breath.

As I continue to learn about Laura, I am learning what not to do. At first I thought it was a bad thing, but I'm starting to realize that getting it out of the way early will only help us in the long run. Everyone is fragile in one area or the next. Knowing what not to say, and knowing when the right thing could come out wrong, will afford us more sharing, less analyzing, and ultimately more relaxed conversation. I know I fucked up, but I'm like a bull in a china shop, anyway. It's the nature of the Beast. The amount of time that she was affected by what I said, and how deeply it upset her, reminds me that I need to be extra cautious. I would much rather be extra cautious than lose a good friend over a lack of Reserve, or the inability to think through what I'm about to say before I say it. I have no filter and no social radar. It's time to start observing, because if for no other reason than to keep Laura close to me, I need both.

One of the reasons that I'm starting to believe I can have both is because of all the other progress I've made in my life in such a short period of time. I won't be fixed overnight, but I can start taking small steps. With respect to Asperger's, I think it comes down to being aware, trusting my gut when I get the feeling that what I'm about to say is a bad idea, relaxing, but not too much, and thinking about other people before I think about myself. The social blinders that aspies wear perpetuate the need for them to respond based on their own understanding of what is appropriate. It's vicious, so when I tell you that 100% focus on the other person in a conversation will balance out with compulsivity and self-seeking, I'm not kidding. It is simply the way we are wired, and nothing will ever change that./

I need access to the spiritual current again

I played a little bit with Olivia today. She asked me to push her on the swing and I did. Resultantly I got a reminder that everything I do should serve her. If I keep her at the top of my list of priorities, I could fuck up in all other areas and still come away with a win.

I want to start my spiritual training again, which means exposing myself to longer intervals without using technology unless I absolutely have to. Eventually I would like to work meditation into the mix. Ultimately, my head is like a snow globe right now. Pretty, but still a storm, and I want either a way to quiet the storm so I can build adequate shelter or use it to toughen up.

Everything just seems to be going so fast lately.

I know that this reality is unique to my perception because there really isn't a whole lot going on my life that I shouldn't be able to handle. I'm slowly getting my hours back at work and I'm starting to enjoy the new physical demands of the job, which is kinda cool. I would like some way to begin weaving sustainable satisfaction into my life so I don't go broke or insane, whichever comes first.

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I caught my very first carp today!; my meditation group/room

Original Articles. Constant-Content.

The fight only lasted about 1.5 seconds, but it was unmistakably a carp. I got a glimpse of it as it ripped the hook off my line (my bad). I would it give it two feet, maybe a little smaller, but it was extremely satisfying. I also caught my first fish of the season, a small catfish.

Having finally caught a carp after so long felt about as good as if I had only had the idea yesterday. It was weird. I've envisioned hooking one so many times that when it actually happened I almost wasn't surprised. I'm glad I was standing on the heel of my rod. If I wasn't, it would have been in the water. I got one more carp hit later in day but he spit out the oatmeal I was using. It's definitely a waiting game.

For anyone interested there was a small tap at the end of my rod. Then he ran with it...hard. He hooked himself on my weight and then freaked out. The commitment to the bait was unintentional, but he was hooked as soon as he hit it and knew it.

I need to get better at kneading the oatmeal onto the hook shank but I'm considering leaving the tip of the hook barely exposed so that when the fish takes the oatmeal, there's a chance that the hook will stay in it's throat even if it tries to spit out the oatmeal. It worked with the catfish--oatmeal works amazingly by the way. I was questioning its efficacy but I got several hits on the Concord River using the oatmeal, which is what prompted me to head out to the boulevard.

I have my meditation group tonight. I think I may give myself permission to go to the room in my head when I meditate. I do have a lot going on in that room. I did try to scrap it but have not utilized the new version often enough for it to replace the old one. The rule seems to be the more I utilize the imagery, the more it make sense, the more of it I can feel and see. I can feel the dirt of my garden between my toes. I can feel the blades of grass beneath my bare feet as I step out of the garden. It's dusk and I'm overlooking a landscape with rolling hills and woods.

It's always dusk in there, though, because the summer night is the most comfortable for me.

I feel out of it, distant, detached. I would go as far as to say that I don't feel right, but it could be all the sun I got today. In any case, I wanted to report while I still remembered to do so.

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