Very long post but so worth it!; Suffering and Expectation

So good to be back!

This is an article I contributed to Your Tewksbury Today:

“Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is... The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds.

” ~Dan Millman, author of 'Way of the Peaceful Warrior

I like to use quotes by Dan Millman because he was my first introduction to the way of the Peaceful Warrior, a mix of Eastern and Western thought which proposes a practical approach to spiritual living.

He writes of a conversation which took place between himself and his mentor, to whom he had humorously assigned the name Socrates.

"You practice gymnastics," Socrates said. "I practice everything."

Because Socrates had learned to release expectation and embrace each moment, he had the emotional energy to spend hours training himself to apply the perfect amount of emotional, physical and spiritual leverage to every single moment.

Consider the amount of emotional freedom that comes with releasing expectation and how much you could accomplish with the energy spared; the world laid out before you like a playground.

All yours.

Not a single moment in your life arrives with the stipulation that you respond to it in a certain way. When we resist what comes to pass, we suffer. When, instead, we observe what comes to pass and choose to capitalize on the opportunity, we are afforded a perspective which can save us a ton of grief.

Those who choose to observe rather than resist demonstrate the ability to remain extremely calm under pressure, very often outperforming their colleagues. This is aided by the fact that they can exercise levels of patience which others cannot, allowing them to wait and watch until the perfect set of circumstances are in place to close a deal rather than attempting to force a win.

Patience and accuracy.

This is an age old reality. In primitive times, children learned at a very young age to wait for the right shot while hunting. A momentary lapse into undue haste and they would go hungry.

Releasing the compulsion to react rather than to respond was essential to their survival.

It is equally essential to us present day. Our physical health. Our emotional stability, our careers... Everything.

Back in the box...

Maybe. The writing box. The box in my head.

If my head were a puzzle, it would be cluttered with extra pieces. It's frustrating, disheartening. You may have read a post of mine comparing my processing abilities to listening to two different radio stations at the same time.

Usually, writing is enough to separate the two. When this is the case, I write like hell.

But when writing is not enough to tune out that second radio station, I eventually stop writing altogether because I can't focus on anything long enough to consider writing anything but a chore.

Right now I have a radio station in each ear, and neither of them seem to be playing anything good.

Someone told me recently that they wished that I could stop analyzing and start living, but if I don't set aside at least some time to take stock of things and at least notice the radio stations, maybe even try to make out some of the words,  I'm denying myself the same relief that most people get when they sneeze or urinate.

So, fuck it. I think the last time I was able to sit down with a complete thought was at last week's meditation Meetup, where, admittedly, I should not have had the time for a complete thought about anything other than meditation.

I did raise a few important points to the attention of the group. The group leader used the word 'Dhammah' (sp?) in reference to my discussion and expressed her appreciation for my input. It was about pain and how the physical sensation of pain could be viewed objectively to minimize the effect of pain on the body.

More about this in a later post. I just wanted to provoke the universe into recognizing that I would like some more forward momentum on the writing front, and the clarity to maintain it.

Had a breakthrough in meditation the other night

I had a breakthrough during my weekly sit in Chelmsford. One member was absent. Two were new. After chanting, we were guided into sound awareness and eventually into a stillness I've never felt before. I had only had an hour of sleep the night before and I thought I might fall asleep during the sit but I didn't. In fact, as I let myself relax, I realized how on-guard I had been prior to the sit. With the energy no longer being spent on coming down from a long day at work, I became more focused, more centered, and less tired.

My breakthrough came when I was able to observe my body's natural respiratory rhythm without deliberately overriding it. Prior to that night, whenever someone would remind me of my breathing, I would  instinctively try to control it and to will it back into perfect rhythm again. That night I was able to separate myself from my breathing and be consciously aware of it at the same time!

I don't think it was a mini-sleep. I was too focused on my breathing and the sounds in the area to call the sit at that point anything other than very controlled.

I have not meditated in the interim.

My experiment as to whether or not telling people your intention decreased the chances of those intentions materializing was a success in that it really wasn't a controlled experiment. I set out to prove something without having a system in place. Just a goal, and I fizzled out because in revealing my intention to write everyday, I gave my brain a reason to rejoice and then relax, to relax so much that I've actually avoided writing for the last week.

Maybe more on this later. I don't know yet. I'm feeling thinky.

Had an unpleasant sit...

Last night's sit felt more natural than Tuesday night's sit, but it was also more disturbed.

I was laying down. Typically when I lay down in the dark, my thoughts drift. I was pleasantly surprised by my ability to focus on the task at hand.

The thoughts that did come were disturbing, most centering on memories of using a hallucinogen in my apartment several years ago. I suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of that experience and consider it the worst night of my life.

Last night was nowhere near as distressing.

After a few minutes of meditation I made it my intention to sleep, set the sound of a clock in the background and enjoyed the most restful sleep I've had in a very long time.

Tonight I'll be sitting with the sound of the clock in the background. My goal is to eventually eliminate the need to use it to help me transition into alpha consciousness.

An interesting new addition to my life...

The other night I happened upon a meditation group in Chelmsford and decided last night to give it a try. I walked in late to find everyone sitting at the front of the room with their eyes closed, meditating.

I removed my shoes, walked in, took my seat in a chair and sat there with my hands neatly folded in my lap, because I wasn't sure what else to do. The ringing in my ears was about the only sound I could pick up on for the first five minutes. I couldn't settle.

I opened my eyes to find that nobody had moved. The expression on the leader's face hadn't changed, the lighting in the room hadn't changed. Nothing had changed. Everyone sat in complete stillness. It came as a pleasant surprise when I got a glimpse of the quantum veil.

I tried a few different positions, from sitting in the chair to sitting on the floor to laying down. None of these positions aided me in alleviating the tension that sat in my back and shoulders. I was relieved when the leader invited everyone back to the present moment and everyone took turns analyzing their meditation session.

I look forward to the next session and have resolved to practice regularly, even if all that means is a couple minutes a day. Part of last night's reading discussed how we don't need to be extremely rigid in our practices. If we usually fall asleep to the TV, can we turn it off 3-5 minutes early or wait 3 to 5 minutes before turning it on to reflect on our day? Can we take 5 minutes to phone a lonely friend or to offer another random act of kindness to someone in our path?

These small gestures of faith in the Universe make a huge impact on our energy field.

From now on, not only will I be reporting events in my life, but also how my meditation practice is going.  I feel as though doing so will afford me a sense of responsibility. I really liked analyzing my practice session last night so I'm looking forward to being able to do it again and hopefully being able to share it with people.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

LGBT story on hold...

I was reading over it today and decided to put it on the back burner for now. It's a strong piece with the wrong attitude. I've been reading out of my O. Henry Award 1919-1934, and have realized that I could be a much stronger writer than I am now.

I will not delete this most recent piece. Rather, I will add it to the collection of pieces with the same basic plot. I foresee coming at from a much different angle, perhaps in the third person, a birds eye investigation of tolerance as an institution rather than the subplot being limited to LGBT discrimination.

For now, I shall recede to the comfort of my room and read about a punctual man whose serenity is based on timeliness.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

A slow start to the new year...

Everyone in the house is sick. It's been a down day. When I woke up this morning, it was -2 degrees outside, I ran out of tissues and I am in a fog today. Nonetheless, I wanted to post on the first day of the new year.

I had posted last January 1st about how not to start the year with resolutions because it sets us up for failure. Nonetheless, I can't help but feel a sense of renewed energy at the prospect of new beginnings that lie in wait. I got my 18 month calendar out, cleaned my room and started a list of things I would like to start doing more of.

If I can't avoid simple sugars, I would like to avoid processed crap. I had posted awhile back that a lifestyle change was merely about making more good decisions and less bad ones. Unless ordered by a doctor, strict adherence to any routine is neither necessary nor recommended. We need flexibility in our lives because we are creatures of emotion and feelings come and go. No time is the perfect time to make a change, and not all things can be expected to go our way.

A little less of the bad. A little more of the good.

That's how I want to start my new year.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com