May 1st, 2014

Now that I have had some coffee and I am somewhat more alert than I was before, I'd like to rephrase the aforementioned.

Wicca is all about being in harmony with the pulse of the Earth. Everything is cyclical. The Earth rotates around the Sun, the moon rotates around the earth, Galaxies Spin, and for all we know, the entire universe spins around something else.

The sun rises, sets and rises again. Perfect. Perpetual. Purifying. To focus on something as Petty as the time of day is an affront to all that the Earth has to offer.

Going deeper, if the cycles of the Earth were not supportive of human life, we wouldn't be here. To that extent, we can assume that the Earth alone can provide us with everything we need to grow and Thrive both physically and spiritually. Perhaps the cycle of Dawn and dusk is the most significant.

It would take more than a morning's worth of writing to touch upon the degree of dependence that one Earthly Miracle shares with the next, but I can only imagine the sense of renewal with which I would be blessed should I learn to embrace Mother Earth for who she really is rather than who we think she ought to be./

From now on I will not be noting the time at which I start an entry, only the date. The more I focus on the Human perception of time, the less time I have to focus on what really matters/

I suppose I don't need to write anymore this morning, but I can't sleep, either. I'm definitely not used to being up this early, but I can't imagine it would be to my detriment if I did this on a regular basis. I have a long day. Early intervention appointment, Father's Support Group in Lowell, the whole bit. The good thing is that I'm getting paid today so I can finally pay Scott back the money I owe him.

Scott is a good guy. He works hard, has a wife and three kids, Allen, James and Lucy. He was instrumental in helping Mel and I through the most chaotic and painful part of our separation. As frustrated as i suspect he was getting, he never quit. He's a holder of the Melchezidek priesthood and my home teacher. While I no longer embrace the faith, I still have great respect for it. It is in my opinion the most accurate representation of Christian worship to which I've been exposed, and I do believe that it will go a long way towards making the world a better place for everyone in it.

I often feel that Scott looks down upon me, though I know that it's a result of my own insecurities. Somehow, I feel more than humility and his presence. I feel inferior. He already has everything I feel it would take me a lifetime to achieve. I often need to remind myself that I am a month older than he is, as, in a way, I still feel like an adolescent. I am as ambivalent about that as I am the fact that I seem to be coming into myself. He's a good friend, though, and that's all that matters. I could use friends in my life right now. I just hope I can be a good friend to him and return. Maybe when I get my head back on straight, when I'm no longer in fight or flight mode, I can begin to return the favor... Spiritually, not monetarily.

I can also pay my mom back for the money I borrowed from her the other day. It will be the first time I paid her back a debt for a very long time. The fact that she can now trust me to do so indicates a significant improvement in our relationship. Since I moved back home we are fighting less, we are more communicable, and we are finding that we have a lot more in common than we thought we did. A lot of that is relief on her part. She got her son back. The rest is on my part. I got myself back. Mom and I used to fight like cats and dogs. Now we just bicker, more like sibling rivalry and less like War. It gets a little hectic sometimes with Olivia in the mix. When that happens, I usually just drop it. Nothing gets resolved. As for right now, there is no resolution to that conflict...legally, anyway.

It should be noted that my parents have guardianship of Olivia. I will go into this in another entry/

I have a bit before I can jump on the computer, so I thought I'd do something mildly productive. I made it through the early intervention appointment with Mel and Claudia, paid my mom back and realized how stupid the electronic cigarette really is. Money burned in a less than one hundredth of the time it took me to make it. I'd like to put some high numbers on the board today. With any luck I'll have a few hours of Silence on my side.

Jacob still hasn't gotten back to me. I don't know if Ive burned bridges with him or not. All I know is that I won't bother him anymore. Lately all I seem to be doing is hounding him like a dog begging to be let in from the rain. I have more pride in myself than that.

The Bruins are on tonight. The Bruins haven't lost more than two games in a row All Season. We lost the first game to the Red Wings in the playoffs, then we took the next four. I've never had as much interest in hockey as I do now, maybe because it helps me get my aggressions out. Maybe it's because I get to spend time with my dad.

I am learning to read my father a lot better than I used to be able to. I've learned to predict him. I guess starting with my parents is a good way to get my feet wet in terms of being able to read people. Dad and I are still not 100% compatible, but I solved a big part of the enigma that is my father. He likes straight answers and generally won't tolerate anything less. I'm learning to keep things short and sweet, trying not to tell him what I'm going to do, approaching him with questions about how to deal with clients and business-related subject matter. He knows his shit, and as well versed as I may be on the business side of things with respect to marketing, it's not particularly easy for me to write about it from scratch. He usually has a few good ideas. I generally run with one or two or stop the conversation and let my mind run with what I've just learned, just to see where it takes me. What it comes down to is that because I can read him better and know how to approach him, I have come to realize and he is more approachable than I thought he was. I have underestimated his level of compassion for me over the years, mistaking his anger for cold-heartedness instead of bewilderment and concern. He's blunt, he's loud, he's forward and quick-tempered, but he is my dad. He never has and never will stop being there for me.

I had a particularly amusing experience with him the other day. I was changing Olivia. When I brush my hand across her stomach, I was taken back by how warm she felt.

"She has a fever," I said, unsure of where I was directing the observation.

"No, she doesn't" he said. I was dumbfounded by the certainty with which had declared it. Was he so in tune with her body that he was able to discern from across the room in less than one second that she was perfectly fine?

I suddenly remembered my Pagan training. Meet opposition with recessive energy.

"Okay," I said, soundly. I continued to change her without a word. Apparently I had thrown him so off balance that he was compelled to backtrack.

"How do you know she has a fever?" I thought the question was silly but I answered anyway, maintaining my own balance. My mom and I took her temperature. She registered 99.7.

The ability to empathize with him on such a level as to compel him to backpedal with a simple, deliberate gesture, is not only new to me, but very exciting. I wait eagerly for the host of surprises that he has in store for me, as long as I remain open to seeing them, for as I am constructed, layer-by-layer, so must all humans have a side of themselves reserved only for the eyes of the keenly aware and appreciative/