Scott is supposed to be coming over tonight. That really gives me something to look forward to. I hope he can make it. We are going to watch the Bruins downstairs in the basement. The game is either at 7 or 7:30. I hope he can at least make it by the 2nd period so we can watch it together. He seemed really excited.
I paid him off. $60. Now I am cleared with his debt. Maybe I'll hit him up for a 10-spot if I don't have one somewhere on down the line, but I'm done borrowing for a while. I owe my parents $14,000 as it is.
I mentioned earlier that I felt inferior in Scott's presence. I'm not sure that is as true now as it was when I wrote it. We are both Children of the powers-that-be, we're just two different people. The fact that we both like the Bruins makes me feel good. With my other friends, what few they are, I don't share many of the same interests. Additionally, Scott is safe. He's got his head on straight, he's never tried to hurt me and I doubt he ever will. I think if I could open up to him more we would both get a lot more out of the relationship. I don't know why he wants to hang out, maybe out of pity. Maybe if it is out of pity, I can show him that I'm good to have around. Maybe I should just let it go./
It will take me a bit to find my voice again. It has been so long since I kept a journal or even engaged in creative writing that it seems I've lost my Edge. I don't know how true it is. I always have been my worst critic, but it's worth noting that these words are not flowing as easily as they had an earlier notebooks. It cannot possibly be that I'm running out of things to write about. My best guess is that this notebook will follow the same pattern as the last. It will start out slow. Then it will adopt a theme like many of the aforementioned, and fill itself up, practically without my knowledge/
This will be a short entry. I just want to drop down a few reminders for later. Father's group, Middlesex, the dam, lack of consideration for their own safety and the safety of others. I'll come back to this./
(Omit entry)
I sat in my Father's Support Group for long enough to hear one of the group leaders tell me that I was an asshole for ___. I stayed for some food and got out for a walk. First, I went up by the dam next to the school, one of many structures I assumed to be a tourist attraction erected in the industrial revolution. I made my way down the ramp, climbed over the low hanging chain designed to keep people out, and made my way down to the lowest land I could find. I like being down there. I got a knot in my stomach looking at all the graffiti....it was beautiful/
Scott came over. We talked about the salvation of our mortal Souls. I'm exhausted. Good night until morning/
05/02/2014
I can't think of a better way to get the neurons firing than to start writing. Sometimes the simple motion of moving your hand across the page from one line to the next helps us find the words we can't seem to find as we stare out the window and complete exhaustion and bewilderment. I don't think the combination of antidepressant and Concerta is a good one. I'm nauseous, light headed and panicky, and all I want is for those awkward dream like state to go away./
05/03/2014
I'm doing much better after a full night's sleep. I got some coffee and 1/2 banana, and I'm planning to go for a walk with the baby later.
I had a mini blow out with my mom this morning. Everything I suggested for the baby for breakfast was wrong. In all fairness I was wrong, so I'm glad you put me in my place. Since we started the baby on this new feeding schedule, she's eating more, she's more active, and is in a much better mood overall./
I was a Beast earlier this morning so I decided to go for a nice long walk to clear my head. I walked from the house down to 133. I took 133 to Rite Aid, got myself a Red Bull and started up 133 again before backtracking and taking River Road instead. It's steeper, more Scenic than 133, and much quieter. It was about as a lively as one would expect it to be on a beautiful Saturday morning. A few people working in the garage, a bunch of people golfing. One lady was sitting on the porch playing with her phone. She smiled, and told me I was walking at a good pace. For the most part, people are pretty friendly around here. It made for a pleasant walk. In total I think it came to a little under 3 miles. If I had the chance to do it again right now, I think I would. Exercise has been instrumental in helping me stay level headed throughout the day.
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