05/05/2014

My mom is taking the baby for a walk, so this will really be the first chance I've had to work while on my medication. Between all the journaling and exercising I've been doing, hopefully I will be focused and relaxed enough to start really putting some numbers on the board. The more money I can make, the easier my life will be in the long run.

Financial instability is one of the many things which have stood in my way over the years, and I'd like to get it out of the way now since I'm doing so many other good things for myself.

I wonder what it's like to be free, I mean really free, free of myself, the side of myself that keeps whispering "it's not possible." I still have a long way to go before I reach that ideal, but for the first time, I think it's within my reach. Nothing in this world comes free, but it would seem that all the effort I've been putting into challenging myself lately is paying off. Slowly but surely, I will become better. Who will be waiting for me at the Finish Line?

I am sure the people will be there to cheer me on along the way, but I'm resigned to the fact that I will need to be my own motivation. That's another thing which has held me back over the years...looking to others for feedback as to how amazing I really am, and the inability to take that first step toward walking my dreams into reality. To be sure, I didn't know what my dreams were. Now that I do, they have begun to change. Odd, that our dreams of grandiosity seems so achievable as we do nothing, and the moment we begin taking steps toward our dreams, our preoccupation with grandeur is replaced by the sense of soundness that fills in around us when we do what we say we are going to do. Our smallest goals are the ones worth gloating about, simply for the fact that they demand no praise from anyone else but ourselves/

My opportunity to work just dissolved with a valiant effort to finish my last entry. I was under the impression that my mom would be gone for a couple hours. Apparently not. That leaves me watching Olivia until she goes down/

05/06/2014

I had a hell of a workout yesterday, and woke up sore after a conversation with Laura, at the end of which my medication levels dropped like a lead balloon, launching me into eccentricity. She was rather understanding of my predicament and continues to treat me like an equal. It's nice to have that sort of thing again. I found out that she's a country girl, and that makes her all the more attractive to me. She sent me a picture last night. She's beautiful, and she's beginning to open up to me. She told me that she didn't let people in easily. I hope I don't betray her Trust.

I didn't see much happiness in her eyes in the pictures she sent me. For someone who has such passion and the need to share, I was saddened not to see a smile. Her cool gray eyes and light brown hair are inviting. She said she's happy with herself, and it made me smile inwardly.

I also sent her a picture of me. She giggled and told me I was furry. I wasn't sure what to make of it, but she was satisfied so I let it go, confident in myself once again. She's at work right now. I miss talking to her in the capacity that I did last night, but I have enough to get done here. In that respect, it's probably a good thing that I'm not hanging on her every word quite yet. Besides, until the divorce is finalized, I couldn't really justify committing myself to anyone else (it would not be fair to them).

Is it ironic that Laura seems to be everything that I would want in a life partner? The desire to bear children, a country girl with a vocabulary and a deep respect for the arts? Or am I am printing my desire for companionship, family, my fantasy, on the first person of sound enough mind to gently disregard my troubles and see me for who I really am? Is Laura possessed of a deeper capacity to love than the rest of the world, or am I finally in a position to see the light and someone else? Looking back over the years, and my skewed view of the Light, I am genuinely frightened for anyone who has been in my position, who thought it was okay to merely exist, and to walk about as the shell of a person, never knowing that there was another world waiting just around the corner, a world full of bounty sufficient to fertilize the barren wasteland with which they become so familiar. The darkness will rock you to sleep. Does Laura know that?

I hope so. I hope that if she doesn't, it will be presented to her piece by piece until it becomes apparent to her their faith is more freeing than anger. I hope she sees what I see. I hope I can show her what I see. If she's open to it, I am confident that she will drink of it./

05/07/2014

Thank you Moon. Good morning Sun. I have no idea where to start today. The spirit is willing but the body is weak. All I want to do is curl up and go to bed, but I want to be alone with journal for as long as I can this morning, and I'm putting it away when the baby gets up. The construction on the development behind our property does not help. Olivia is waking up an hour ahead of schedule because of it. Those tiny Grunts and whines, followed by short bursts of deep sleep as she floats out of REM to greet the morning are very satisfying to me today, I find. It looks to be a beautiful day. Maybe I'll take her for a light walk with me. If not, I'd like to be on the floor interacting with her, telling her how much I love her. I haven't been doing that as much as I should lately, and I miss it.

I started the day with my medication and most of a bottle of water. I don't know if I'm losing weight, but I'm replacing fat with lean muscle, which is really quite refreshing. I've set out to build muscle before and have for a while, always losing interest. This time I'm not as focused on physical Beauty. I'm more focused on physical fitness. The pain in my chest and my abs is a welcome addition to the emotional discomfort I'm akin to feeling. It means that I'm improving, and the desire to continue to do so makes me smile/

Therapy went well today. I'm really starting to narrow down my goals. I was clear, I spoke clearly, I'm related my past to my present. Our job is to figure out how my past is connected to the present, so that I can begin to shape my future. Without getting too deep into it, I think I'm doing most of the work and that he is guiding me as I go. I think there's Journal is really helping. I think the walking is really helping, the medicine is helping, and I'm slowly beginning to peel back layer by layer, little by little. My potential is beginning to shine through. I think I just need a more focused approach before I can begin to capitalize on it. There's something I'm not doing. I just can't figure out what.

I don't like the fact that I can't put my words together as well right now as I've been able to lately. I have to really think about what I put down.

I am chatting with Laura. Mom and dad just got off the phone with Gloria. I'm starting my parenting class tomorrow. Just another mark on my mom's calendar. What a mess this month is. Hopefully, if it doesn't get any better, I'll find a better way to deal with it.

From now on, when the baby is home, my phone and journal are staying in my room until 8:30 p.m (this failed), at which point I will journal, chat with Laura, and do whatever else it takes to calm myself down. For the rest of the time, I need to be downstairs with Olivia, working when I can, working out when I can, and ultimately making the most of the medication that I'm on. I know the things will fall into place for me if I can settle into a routine. I just want everything out of life right now. I especially enjoy spending quality time with Olivia, and I really am excited to have Laura to look forward to after a long day of getting by, making myself better... Doing the same thing as everyone else for once. Let's go Corey! Let's go!/

They have seized blasting in the development out back and commensed the familiar urban drawl of incessant pounding, which begins at 7 a.m., and doesn't stop until at least 5.

I prefer this to the blasting. The last blast shook the house so hard that I could hear the China rattling.

That was yesterday.

I don't know how much of today I've already covered, but I'm letting my phone charge, letting Laura relax, and struggling to find myself in words I find I can suddenly expel from my soul with the ease and confidence of a used breath.

As I continue to learn about Laura, I am learning what not to do. At first I thought it was a bad thing, but I'm starting to realize that getting it out of the way early will only help us in the long run. Everyone is fragile in one area or the next. Knowing what not to say, and knowing when the right thing could come out wrong, will afford us more sharing, less analyzing, and ultimately more relaxed conversation. I know I fucked up, but I'm like a bull in a china shop, anyway. It's the nature of the Beast. The amount of time that she was affected by what I said, and how deeply it upset her, reminds me that I need to be extra cautious. I would much rather be extra cautious than lose a good friend over a lack of Reserve, or the inability to think through what I'm about to say before I say it. I have no filter and no social radar. It's time to start observing, because if for no other reason than to keep Laura close to me, I need both.

One of the reasons that I'm starting to believe I can have both is because of all the other progress I've made in my life in such a short period of time. I won't be fixed overnight, but I can start taking small steps. With respect to Asperger's, I think it comes down to being aware, trusting my gut when I get the feeling that what I'm about to say is a bad idea, relaxing, but not too much, and thinking about other people before I think about myself. The social blinders that aspies wear perpetuate the need for them to respond based on their own understanding of what is appropriate. It's vicious, so when I tell you that 100% focus on the other person in a conversation will balance out with compulsivity and self-seeking, I'm not kidding. It is simply the way we are wired, and nothing will ever change that./