I got through my parenting class and Father Support Group. I'll call this particular young man Peter. His son was raped and he knew the assailant's home address. Two DCF workers listened in horror and continued to assess his capacity to commit murder. He spoke of the system and how he hated it. When asked near the end of the conversation what would make it better, he'd cast his eyes down at the table. He appeared to be in a state of hypnosis.
"Jail," he said. I truly believe that this
individual has every intention, and the perfect motive, to commit a crime of
passion. While I cannot read his mind, I could read his body language. It was
cold, remorseless...everyone has their breaking point. Maybe that was his.
After twelve years in Federal Prison, another sentence would seem not to
overshadow the satisfaction he would get from obtaining retribution for his
son. Or would it? I won't spend much time examining the annals of another
person's psyche in this journal--I may reserve a special notebook for that
later (in fact I probably will)--it was just intense to watch. Not something I
see everyday and something I am grateful I don't have to see everyday. It's
hard to be in that position.
Scott is late tonight and the baby went down early. This gives me plenty of time to write in this journal and try to process the day. It was long and painfully slow, but it was productive. I can only assume that our schedule will free up as time goes on, but with everything I've been through over the last ten weeks, nothing surprises me, anymore. I just wish the baby had a more stable routine, and--I'm going to be selfish here--I wish I had a more stable routine too, if only to be afforded the opportunity to come down on a regular basis. I don't mind long hauls, but everyone needs to diffuse at some point. At present, talking to Laura and writing in my journal are my most effective coping mechanisms. I've written many times that there is something hypnotic about watching the pen slide across the page. I got addicted to it awhile back. Now I use the gift more appropriately. Of course, the problem I am now running into is that in the moments I need it most, I don't have the chance to use it.
Now that I do, and now that I have a little time on my hands, I want to address a problem that I've been having lately.
Anger.
A few years ago, I was ready to dedicate an entire notebook to anger. I was in the midst of watching my relationship with Vanessa disintegrate and I was angry all the time. I thought I could fix it but I couldn't. We broke up. As it was then, my current level of anger can be attributed to my lack of control. The difference between then and now is that now I want to be in the light so badly that the very thought of becoming angry somehow manages to piss me off. The anger that I experience is shallow, explosive, and once I get on a roll I become genuinely afraid that I might do something I'll regret. The scariest part is not knowing what./
First time in 61 years the Bruins and the Canadiens have gone scoreless after three periods in regulation. I was personally hoping for something a bit more exciting but I can't control everything. Scott headed home after regulation. I'll text him the verdict in the morning. In the interim, it's time for me to spend some quality time with the pen.
Summer is coming. I can't wait. I want Olivia to spend as much time outside as possible. It will be so good for her. Good for me too. I hear that vitamin D is good for the soul.
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