The Unmerited Gift

3 days of no distractions and no financial obligations whatsoever lie ahead of me. I have three days and three nights to spend with my little girl, to sleep in, to worry about absolutely nothing, and to stay off my phone as much as possible.

I wanted to thank everyone for their continued readership. I love the feel of my fingers tapping against the keys knowing that I'm bringing some measure of resolution to the army of ideas marching around in my head, and I'm so glad to have all of you with me to partake of that. The more I write, the more I grow because it's nearly impossible to write a lie.

For me, anyway.

It keeps me honest.

I'm starting to feel the joy that I felt as a kid at holiday parties or even just sitting around the dinner table with family, that warm feeling that hit my stomach the night I took my first shot, the one that added value to my life. Only now I can experience that love and warmth sober.

I chased the feeling of drunken euphoria long and hard, almost to the gates of death, and never once did I emerge from the slums of a bender unscathed, or having ever found what I was looking for. Now that I'm sober, I get to watch my daughter's eyes light up whenever she sees a Christmas tree. I get to read to her and feel what I'm reading. I'm starting to realize that it's okay not to feel emotionally safe sometimes because it is only when I take those risks that I feel anything at all.

I feel love, deep, whole, complete love for my child and it's such a blessing to be able to bring her so much joy, such a privilege to be able to introduce her to the world. I don't understand why I've been given such an unmerited gift, this most precious gift of being able to contribute to someone's life in this way. It's true what they say, that you get to relive your childhood through having children, but I never would have been able to experience it if I didn't take that first risk and stay sober for long enough to start feeling anything.

I think the best way to describe this gift, even though it transcends words--words could never hold a candle to the value of this particular gift--is that I get to feel my life. I get to live my life. I get to experience my life, instead of merely being alive and letting time go by simply because I have no other choice.



See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com