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Saturday, December 17, 2016

Maria, my heart heard you tonight...

I told you 10:30pm or 11:00pm. I'm not sure how close I'll come to that mark. I'm letting my intuition speak for me and it has a tendency to be long winded.

I should hope I won't keep you a moment longer.

When I took my first drink, the night before my 21st birthday, 3 hours from home on a warm summer night, my priorities shifted from experiencing life to running away from it as fast as I possibly could. 

It didn't matter who I was with or what was going on around me. If they came between me and my next drink or drug, my claws would come out. 

I would wield emotional daggers, especially before my friends and family. Those closest to me, those who loved me the most, became obstacles.

It wasn't out of bitterness, hatred, or even anger that I cozied up in the darkest corners of my mind, impenetrable to everyone else.

It was desperation. It hurt my heart and my soul to say and do the things I did, but I did it to protect an addiction that promised me liquid paradise in exchange.

I could feel the love and concern from my family and friends, especially my mother.

Your daughter is running. She is not running from you.

This disease is a bitch, but it's not infallible. We are living proof that it has a kill switch.

Guiding me through everything I have ever been through has been my family, especially my mother, The harder I pushed back, the more she loved on me, until those icy walls began melt away.

That night, three years ago, I left the drugs behind me, and I moved home.

Your daughter loves you. You will hear from her this Christmas, and no matter what happens between now and then, she knows from the bottom of her heart that you will always be there.

Always.

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