#330

I met someone the other night, and by happenstance was reminded that more important than looking for answers is asking the right questions.

We count the years that count our breaths but do we breathe with purpose? Do we claim to be of a certain calling but neglect to express that sentiment when no one sees?

#329- Long But Beautiful and Artistic Entry

I wanted to first thank all my readers, what few they are--there used to be more--for entertaining my eccentricity. I've gone from motivated to a lack of motivation, from deep depression to slowly putting the pieces back together, and from 'I'm going to do this' to 'why bother?'

It all points to the same thing...this blog is my voice when I can't seem to get my physical voice to work, and my head is a line of shit storms as far as the eye can see.

I knew I was at least a little crazy. That I thought this blog would swell to the size of my ego fit right in.

But I'm beginning to understand the way my insanity works believe it or not, and I've begun to get flashes of how life works, too, regardless of where I fit into that design.

The following is from an excerpt of a journal entry I wrote last night in about twenty minutes:

'I knew it didn't make sense. Not in the way I know that one plus one equals two--does it?--but in a more distant, nagging way.

There exists a Limbo. On one side are those fallacies we only regard as such on a subconscious level. On the other, those fallacies we recognize for what they are and continue to actively ignore, led on by the (strange) notion that this time will be different.

For our purposes, the Limbo is a world wherein the fallacies coexist.

For a long time, the concept of 'resetting' sat in my Limbo jar and festered there like a boil. Today, I unscrewed the lid and peered excitedly into the jar.

Surely a holy shit moment lay in wait!

A short pause for dramatic effect and---

Holy shit! I found exactly what I thought I would...a solution that fed right into the problem.

'I need to reset,' I would say. (my mom is going to start moaning it in her sleep soon). Then I would march upstairs and do absolutely nothing, but I would also be no closer to eliminating the need to escape.

When I opened that jar, I realized that I had always regarded 'resetting' as elusive, well out of my reach and stressful rather than restorative. On the heels of that realization came the image of a bottle of CBD oil, and a word: tincture.

A tincture. What if I regarded my reality as a tincture instead of a data center that must be purged for several hours at the introduction of a new stimulus to function properly?

A tincture. A mixture, if you will, of coping mechanisms to which I can add, and from which I can remove (or purge if you will) as needed, instead of blowing the whole thing away and starting over?'

The clarity, as indicated by the amount of time it took me to write it, and the wistful, creative, comedic approach I chose to express myself, comes on the heels of cleaning out my room, my closet, and bit by piece, little by slow, my car.

I've begun to realize that the amount of stress in my life all comes back to how much work I want to create for myself. For example:

Every time I ignore something that needs to be done, I add that something to the list of things I need to do the next day.

By contrast, the more crap I clear away with the understanding that I don't need to make more work for myself, the more crap I can prevent myself from ever needing to clear away...like piles of dirty laundry on the floor of my room (everything in my room is where and how I want it. Leaving a pile of dirty laundry from the day before will compromise the sanctity), recyclables from my car (for the last few days I've removed several miscellaneous items from my car just to say I did it, in addition to any trash and recyclables I've accumulated on the day), and...

Holy shit. Trying to 'reset' when I know for a fact that it won't work!

 
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#328- I miss my daughter

Usually I'm so preoccupied thinking myself in circles that by the time Olivia gets home I've run myself ragged doing next to nothing, a blank stare drawn across my face.

Today I have the stare as I often do, but I find myself missing Olivia. Yesterday when she came home we sat down together and she read me a story out of one of her books. It was a bonding experience and it was awesome.

Missing her comes on the heels of a surrender of sorts...I lack the energy to give a shit about much of anything right now except for Olivia, because when I focus on Olivia, I can set the pain down--pain from self-sabotage, from obsessive thoughts, from my self-esteem or lack thereof--and allow her energies, her excitement, and our relationship heal me.

A welcome adjustment to my list of priorities.

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A new direction in my thinking...

For awhile, I thought that the most focused causal link (conserving energy in executive management) was the answer to my problems. It is an answer, one of many, but it does not carry the spiritual weight that I thought I did.

I can tap-tap my way through life, but when I obsess over how to conserve energy I'm not focusing on the moment or the feelings the moment calls for.

Once I realized that executive management had much less to do with Nirvana than I thought, I started entertaining creative leanings. I went fishing yesterday and took pictures. Last night I watched a movie I like and ordered a pizza. Later, I took a picture of the wood stove glowing in the dark.

Before I went to bed, I journaled with my left hand as part of my training, and actually enjoyed doing it because I knew it wasn't as important as I had thought it was, just a little piece. I won't know how important it is until I apply it to moments where I'm also sucking the joy out of life like a damn lemon.

I don't want to be empty anymore.

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CBD journal, back to training (finally)

I've noticed that the more I post, the more pageviews I have on a regular basis.

I forgot about that for awhile.

That being said, the more page views I do get, the more motivated I am to make positive changes in my life.

I've been gradually increasing my dose of CBD oil over the last few weeks. I now take 60mg in the morning and 60mg at night. My sciatica, which would ordinarily be bothering me because of the amount of driving I have been doing lately, is a non-issue. I am no longer depressed and have now begun to experience a level of clarity in my executive functioning that is so sharp it's almost freaking me out.

I keep thinking back to how I would train my brain with little challenges like avoiding looking at certain clocks in the room, going set lengths of time without looking at my phone (I can't do that one anymore), doing the speed limit when I was in a rush, and I realized that all those little experiments in stepping outside of my comfort zone made it easier for me to stay in the moment for long enough to accomplish whatever I needed to.

Another interesting point is that I seemed to be able to stay exceptionally calm under pressure.

How can I challenge myself today?

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CBD Oil Journal- 1st four doses

I took my first dose Wednesday during an outbreak of seborrheic dermatitis (minor skin condition).

I took my first dose sublingually around noon. Immediately I felt my mind slowing down but my reaction time was sufficient to drive.

Three hours later, all of a sudden I felt extremely high. This feeling eventually went away. I took my sleeping pill that night.

The next morning, Thursday, I noted that my seborrheic dermatitis was slightly less symptomatic, as though something were killing it. An interested point to note is that when my alarm went off at 6:30, I set it for 7. When my alarm went off at 7, I decided that I just didn't have the mental stamina to fight a losing battle with my alarm clock so I just got up. This is very unusual for me. My mood was very elevated for the first hour of the day.

That night, I decided to replace my sleeping pill with the CBD oil. Again, around 7:30pm, I took 28mg sublingually. I didn't sleep well. I kept waking up, shifting. I could tell that my sleep was not as high quality as with a sleeping pill but refused to let myself take one.

The next morning, Friday, I woke up tired but very clear. My seborrheic dermatitis was much better, my skin was much softer and my mood was much better. I was motivated. I went fishing, though tired, and was moved by the sudden realization that I needed more creative expression in my life, so I started taking pictures.

Last night I took 28mg sublingually and slept without my seroquel. I'm very tired but clear. I really want to back off the experiment but I want to see if I'll get tired enough to get a full night's sleep without my seroquel. My seborrheic dermatitis is almost completely gone.

About 20 minutes ago, Saturday, I decided to take half a dose (14mg) sublingually to see how a more consistent regimen would affect me and also to see how I would respond to CBD oil during the day. There's a bit of fogginess that I can offset with another medication later if I need to. The feeling of dissociation I had on Wednesday is completely gone.





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I just did something kind of cool...

So lately I've been very angry for no apparent reason. Three days of being completely stressed out. I was thinking people were against me, and I was making myself sick feeling as though people were challenging my beliefs when for one, they weren't, and two, who cares if people challenge my beliefs if I hold them as truths? What's the point of believing in something if those beliefs can be shaken so easily?

Well, today, I took a few deep breaths, sat with my anger for what it was and started basing my responses on the truth of the situation instead my insecurities. I didn't want to let my anger go because I was afraid of what I would be left with.

It's actually not that bad.

It just took some time and a little bit of effort.

I've read that the ability to turn anger into laughter is a sign of being high energy. I'm not able to do that yet but I was getting close about a week ago when I decided to embrace the Way of the Peaceful Warrior again.

Nothing was bothering me. Nothing got under my skin. Thoughts and feelings and emotions were just neurons and I was in the moment and free!

I looked at my blog performance expecting to find zeros since I haven't posted in quite some time. I actually got 70 hits on January 2nd. That tells me that people still read my old stuff, and if they're reading my old stuff, it has to be worth something.

So here goes nothing, I'm back...and I don't care who doesn't care what my arguments for spirituality are.

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#323- I keep forgetting that I forget

It's a regularly occurring phenomenon in my life. I forget about the things that are good for me, which have proven time and time again to be an effective measure against the stress we all seem to accumulate, and embrace those things which seem to amplify that stress, like vaping.

In the interim, I've forgotten about my essential oils, which I applied today after a stressful morning. By the time I was done putting them on, I felt better, more connected to those things in my life which make my life worth living...my daughter, books, silence.

Today I went to the library and worked on a new story. It takes place at some point in the future and is centered on a town reduced to rations by a socialist government. I don't know where I want to take it yet but I feel as though that is less important than working on the story on a regular basis. Whatever happens will happen, and if it has a strong enough plot to bring before a publisher, I'll edit it until I feel it's done.

I've adopted the mentality that Stephen King has. He reads like crazy and when he writes, he writes as fast as he possibly can to keep the doubt from catching up to him. Self-doubt is a horrific muse gobbler. He says that he writes the first draft. Then he puts it away and forgets about it and starts writing another one. Later, he returns to the first draft, reads it, and if it's worth publication, he commences to write between the lines.

I don't want to say what I'm going to do because that almost never works out. I will say that in the last 65 days I've read over 4,200 pages of King's work, which prompted me to buy a book by a famous editor about literary devices, plot structure, and other things regarding creative writing. Stephen King seems to be able to pour his ideas into a literary waffle maker and when he's done he has something cohesive and easy to read.

I want that.

Do I need to keep applying my essential oils and taking my CBD oil to make it happen? Do I need to get myself into more habits like my habit of reading?  

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#322- Out with the old

The Merrimack is starting to turn so I'm done with fishing for the year. I look forward to next year. In the interim I've turned my attention to reading and writing. I'm reading an average of 55 pages a night, which does quite a bit for my ability to articulate the things I want to when I journal or start stories.

Stephen King has always maintained that the best way to deal with a plot is to shoot it before it can breed. He likes to put two characters in a ring and watch them duke it out and from the magnificent struggle that ensues, a story is born.

I'm learning quite a bit about literary devices. King uses them liberally to assist him with his character development. In 'It,' he uses the cabbie to show his readers how much the town of Derry has changed and how Bill Denbrough feels about it.

When viewed through an author's lens, it presents as a powerful tool in storytelling. It reminds me that King lives, eats, sleeps and shits writing!



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#321- Rediscovering My Goddess

I rediscovered my Goddess this evening. I guess you could call it a spiritual awakening.

For a while, I had turned away from Her in pursuit of something that would give me a sense of power that I never actually found. Tonight, I find Power and Strength in a working relationship with the Goddess that I have known for several years, the Goddess to Whom I prayed to help me get sober, and Who has given me so much insight into raising my daughter.

There's a sense of healing that comes with the sudden shift, but it wasn't easy. I asked my Goddess to fill my heart and to remove from me all those things which no longer serve me, so that I can in turn serve Her with purity. Purity, Simplicity, and the awareness that the Universe speaks in whispers are the basic requirements for obtaining a sense of spiritual accomplishment along the Pagan path. I learned this a very long time ago, but a failed marriage, a divorce and rapid succession of relapses led me to abandon spirituality in favor of playing my hand close.

Those precious, toxic negative energies almost ate me alive, and that was my mistake.

I now have 18 months sober and the Goddess I rejected has called me back into Her embrace. It's warm here. The relief of truly humbling myself before a Higher Power is overwhelming. My spiritual battery is on the mend, and I feel more in control than I did when I was wandering the 'Drift'--reference a previous post by the same title--looking for a port.

For now, I'm home.

#320- CBD oil and resuming journaling

I know I started typing my journal entries into this blog. I may start doing that again. I've been reading a lot lately, and writing a lot, and conclusions that I reached in manic leanings several years ago--which I forgot about--have begun to resurface under more sober circumstances.

I've been using CBD oil regularly and have noticed a profound change in my emotional energy levels. I'm not afraid to feel things anymore. I laugh more heartily. I smile more genuinely.

My room and car have been spotless for weeks.

These are conditions to which I am not accustomed and it will take some time for me to learn to navigate them, but above all I feel as though I'm on the right path.

Now, let's see where I left off in terms of journaling.




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Alright...I'm confused...

I know that negativity is not optimal, but why is it that I seem to attract the people who always believe that I have some ulterior motive in remaining friends with them?

I attract people who have loads of problems who turn to me to solve them because of my unique perspective. Then God forbid I have something going on and I can't drop what I'm doing to solve a problem they're having, they turn on me like a pack of hungry wolves and I feel like not putting myself out there at all?

Why is it that no matter what I do, I can't stall the front lines of this negativity monster looming in the auras of most people in my life?

I know that social media is not the best place to begin forging a relationship with the light. My news feed is entirely blank with the exception of my own posts, but it can also be used as a portal for me to send positivity into the world, even if I don't live every moment of my life in adherence to what I'm promoting.

I'm not perfect, but I am doing my best. That's all I can do. Whatever anybody else does should not be my business, but my heart wants the best for everybody, and that is why I put myself out there.

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Learning the difference between good expenditures and bad

Cigarettes and Redbull are not sustainable expenditures. Tickets to Olivia Gatwood in Cambridge on the 23rd is most certainly a sustainable expenditure!

The first time I heard her I wanted to run around the world, steal her all to myself and never let her go.

Up next to 2.5 Red Bull, the memories I'll take home with me from that show just seem so much more...whole. Sustaining. Beautiful.

They'll touch me in a way that Red Bull cannot.

Did everyone enjoy the blood moon eclipse?

I know we couldn't see it here but any water sign could feel it. Now that it's over it will take a full moon cycle to eliminate all things which no longer serve me from my life. Or at least some of them. It would be cool if black and while thinking was one of them because I feel like a computer right now and I don't like it.

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Confirmed diabetic

I got a letter in the mail with my test results. Even though my doctors are in disagreement about whether or not I have diabetes, my A1C says I have it. So until I'm below a 6.5, I'll assume the worst. I went on a several day long food binge but since receiving the letter I've managed to keep my sugars well within range.

I slowed down on the meditating and applying my essential oils. I think I felt as though I couldn't credit myself with the meditation time since it was guided. Then again, I did screw up on my diet and the last time I started meditating on a regular basis I believe it was because I was eating right. I don't want to fall out of the habit altogether.

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Adding challenge questions to my nightly routine

I'm still meditating and applying my essential oils on a regular basis. I have added two things to my nightly routine. The Tapping Solution (accupressure activation to reduce fight or flight) and asking myself one challenge question per night. Last night's: if I could give my personality a color, who would I trust to paint it? Each challenge question is poised to inspire creativity, to help me identify the things in my life which make my life worth living, and to help me develop a deeper appreciation for them.

I binged the other day but I am back on a carb-limited diet, and as a means of stress relief I have decided to pay off my credit card bill a month early and from here on to live within my means. That is something with which I've struggled for the majority of my life, but with all of the other benefits that I have been enjoying which seem to have spawned from this nightly routine, I am hoping that tighter financial control will become a lot easier for me. In the intern I'm taking a short sabbatical, because I need to reevaluate my priorities.

Possibly diabetic

... resultantly I'm 4 days into a carbohydrate detox and I have already lost 10 lb. 10 down. 50 to go until I am at my ideal weight. for the last several weeks I have been applying essential oils in the morning and at night, and meditating at a frequency to which I am unaccustomed. I would say that I have had successful meditations for 20 out of the last 30 days. I'm on my way into work some more on this later but I had forgotten that I even maintain the blog, so I wanted to reinforce the reminder with the universe.

Taking a short social sabbatical...

This comes in the wake of two weeks of applying my essential oils almost every morning and every night, and meditating almost every night as well.

This marks the first time I've ever done that.

I haven't had a cigarette in five days. I'm using the nicotine patch, and with the recent change in my lifestyle, my I'm noting an increase in energy that I'm not quite sure what to do with.

I have the crawls. The smallest bit of interaction with anyone is apt to send me over the edge, so I'm avoiding my friends because I don't want to lose them. Next on my list is avoiding financial trouble and shortly thereafter, avoiding carbohydrates, but one damn thing at a time.

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Post # 312: Olivia caught her first fish on her own!

...with limited enough assistance for me to say that it was hers. I cast it for her, but she was diligent enough to wait until I pointed out excitedly that the bobber had gone under and hadn't resurfaced. We were at the Concord River in Lowell with Jen and Renee. I was so excited for her I could have burst. We thanked both of the fish that we caught today. I'm glad I'm getting her into the habit of doing that.

Olivia came over to my side of the dock and told me that she was coming over to get a big fish. She proceeded to catch me completely by surprise by burying a hook full of dead worm guts in my arm. It was painfully endearing. Since it was caught on the back of my arm, Jenny helped me to wriggle free. Before she was able to retreat to safety under the overpass for the railroad tracks, Olivia wound up and hooked herself in the shorts. Later, we found a turtle and tried to net it but the 7-inch mammal outsmarted us. 

When I returned home I helped Olivia to bed, came downstairs and labeled this post before reapplying my essential oils. My body has begun to crave the sense of grounding and relaxation that I begin to feel just moments after applying them. Tonight, a mix of Balance, Vetiver, InTune, Lavender, Frankincense and--just now--Holiday Joy. I noted a sense of deep relaxation earlier and that it took two applications before I felt stable enough to say that it had worked. I'm now sipping from a carbonated bottle of water with a hydrating multivitamin dissolved in it.

I did wanted to mention something I forgot to mention earlier. Last night I had a dream about CBD oil. In it, I was vaping CBD oil and began talking to a girl. She asked me how it was working and I told her that usually I'm afraid to talk to girls but that in this particular case, I wasn't. I'm wondering if it was a byproduct of my taking CBD last night shortly before I went to bed.

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Finding myself again...

...Through a combination of nightly meditation and essential oils. I can't believe I forgot about the essential oils and the benefits of meditation. The essential oils lifted a 15 year depression before I forgot about taking them again, and when I was meditating on a regular basis when I worked at Extended Stay America several years ago, my head was much clearer and my moods were much more stable.

Essential oils are absorbed into the bloodstream within 15 seconds of application and within 10 to 20 minutes are absorbed into every single cell in the human body. As long as I remember to do it, I get to start my day by rubbing warm oil into my feet!

I feel grounded and more aware of the present moment than I did when I was not taking them. My body at the present moment is craving healthy food rather than junk, which is a surprising relief, and I feel like something amazing is about to happen.

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