Welcome Aboard, Crystal

Very short post but this was all I had time for, even if it only means that one of my readers knows I'm good for my word.

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Back in training; Adopting the role of a spiritual scientist...

...involves dedication to asking the right questions, to documenting my findings, and to inviting my readers on a meaningful journey with me, something I had considered in the past but not to the extent to which I am now considering it.

I had written previously about the need to molt under fluorescent lights as well as some questions I had about how important brutal honesty was to my mission. At the time, that mission was not clearly defined.

My overarching mission is now the transparent search for a practical approach to spiritual living.

Time to bring my head, heart and talent into deliberate sync with each other once again and to get back to good ole grassroots spiritual training.  

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Why the Universe lets us make mistakes

I think it's so that we can learn from them. Simple as that.

I needed a lesson in loving myself tonight. I was invited to deposit opinion and experience into a group of individuals with far more experience than I. Instantly, I regretted stepping up to the challenge and after running over the time limit I was invited to shut up.

Immediately, feelings of failure swam up around me. I felt like I was drowning. The familiar bog of self pity was almost comforting. As soon as I realized that I was having maladaptive thoughts, I forgave myself and prayed.

The binding lesson in tonight's experience (loving myself was latent) was the realization that sitting quietly and listening is of more benefit to me than imparting information I don't have to people who already do.

Right at the 10,000 page-view mark; writing a post, anyway

The cookies are out, my daughter is soon to be asleep, and Santa will be here in an hour, and here I sit before the glow of the computer, typing because I have no other choice. The need to feel my fingers tapping along the keyboard is ferocious this evening.

This will probably be a short entry. I wanted to touch base with my readers more than anything else. I am approaching the 10,000 page-view mark for this blog and will have likely surpassed it by the end of the day tomorrow. I've decided to hold off on my next post for Your Tewksbury Today until Tuesday. I'm paranoid about letting it sit while everyone celebrates instead of clicking through the paper.

I intend to start anew after the holiday. I'm looking forward to this, the Month of the Birch, a time of renewal and growth, the beginning of which was yesterday. For now, I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter's eyes light up in the morning.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Blessed Be!

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Day Two: New Memories, Challenge Accepted!

My mom did a great job prepping gingerbread houses today. She got all the candy in individual bowls, made the frosting. Such an awesome mom!! Everyone had a blast! My dad got into it, my mom showed me how to make realistic icicles using the royal icing and Olivia sat there eating candy, which, admittedly, I encouraged before we started. Even if I could blame her, I wouldn't. These are the memories that make life worth living. Next year, I'll prep the gingerbread houses!

I had a teenie tiny spat with my mom yesterday where I said something stupid along the lines of moving out. From it sprang up the challenge...bearing all of the responsibility that I would in my own house, including planning and prepping meals for Olivia, washing her laundry, brushing her teeth, doing her hair, everything that I would need to do if my parents up and moved to Florida and left me here with my beautiful daughter in a beautiful house.

The challenge even includes paying more rent, saving first, last and security, managing my dental payments and improving my credit. I discovered last night over a powerful therapy session that it's acceptable to take all of this on at once, provided I have safety nets so that I don't take marginal failures personally and so that I'm not plagued by recency bias. 

Recency bias is a recognized phenomenon wherein people view things through the evaluative lens with which they were presented most recently as opposed to looking at the bigger picture. This applies to both negative and positive trends.

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Day One: New Corey

I won't jump the gun and say that I'm already back in the groove, but I'm getting there. Just as I told my readers I would, I started my day at 5am, and it burns me that it's enjoyable for me to do so. I've already eaten--oatmeal instead of Reese's--taken my meds, had my coffee and gotten Olivia's backpack ready for school, and I'm coming into the stretch of the morning that seemed impossibly long to me yesterday...waiting for the day to start.

Setting my alarm--which annoys me; I think I shall replace it with classical music instead of the urgent 'turn me off before I wake the rest of the house up' beeping--any later than I did today would make me feel rushed. I can't explain why. It just would. So I need to find something to do in the morning to keep me awake without waking everyone else up.

Instead of forcing that reality, I'm waiting for it to come to me. I feel like forcing it would be an offense to the Universe. I did need to exert a certain amount of energy to begin making this change, whatever it will turn out to be, but listening for the answer instead of telling the Universe how it's going to be seems more in tune with what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm also going to try resorting back to the method I was trying to use before...technology fasting while Olivia is in my care. My dad pointed out that whenever I'm interrupted from writing, I seem to get frustrated. Well, duh. I pick the worst times to sit down and start a post and it's impossible for me to shift from writing mode directly into parenting mode without getting flustered. It's even pissing me off reporting as much.

Goodnight, Moon. Good morning, Sun. Grant me the clarity to receive Your Guidance and to grow today.

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I enjoy getting up early...

One of the biggest advantages to me getting up at 5 o'clock on Tuesdays is that I get to start the day on my own terms, and sitting here having just typed as much, I think I want to start doing this every day.

One of the problems that I was running into prior to this realization is that I never set my alarm early enough to distinguish the need to get up early from the need to simply get up earlier than Olivia, so I would always hit the famed 'snooze' button and go back to sleep.

I'm going to set tomorrow's alarm for 5am and see if it makes a difference!

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I don't plan my life like that...

I don't understand why people ask me what I want to do three weeks from now. I don't even know if what I'll want to do 20 minutes from now will be worth writing about because my mood could change.

I try not to plan things too far in advance because unless they're life altering decisions, they may not hold much weight. Why would I lock myself into doing something I might not want to do when the time comes?

It's much easier letting the wind carry me from one course of action to the next. Some of us may have comprehensive knowledge about atmospheric disturbances and why the wind blows in the direction that it does, but that is an order that does not affect me, except to say that it's random enough for me to rely on.

Hitch a ride with the next New England breeze...

New habitat for my crabs...A post to keep the numbers rolling...

Only this time I'm going to write from my heart instead of my head. I'm very distracted, cloudy, but emotionally there seems to be something I'm yearning for but can't quite lay a hand on yet. I had mentioned during my last string on not binge eating on carbohydrates that I was beginning to feel the love and joy of the Christmas season. Now I can feel it but not like before. I feel like it should mean more.

I'm full, I'm exhausted and I just can't seem to stay in the moment. What I did do right this morning was that I was more deliberate about staying clutter free. I wasn't successful but I was able to push myself mentally a bit further than I was yesterday. I feel like every day I'm getting a tiny bit better, but it's taking so freaking long. I feel it's been the 18th for about a week now and it's not even here yet. I've been eating too much so I feel guilty and less than, but my craving for a drink is beginning to fade.

I bought my crabs a treat today, namely because I wasn't financially in any position to buy them more than I did, which ended up being compressed coconut fiber. Calcium rich sand just doesn't cut it for crabs even though they advertise it specifically to hermit crab owners. Coconut fiber serves as a dirt so they can burrow and molt in privacy and safety, and since you need to use water to get the coconut fiber to expand (I used a large bucket from in the garage and was actually able to expand the coconut fiber in my room without getting it all over the place--it's dryer than you might think), it bumps up the humidity in the enclosure making it easier for them to breathe. Historically whenever I go through any major change in my life, one of my crabs molts or switches shells.

Let's see what this more appropriate hermit crab environment does for my life.



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Are you a denomination?

No. I'm not. I believe in a Creator of some sort. It doesn't really matter how we relate to the Universe, whether through Christ or Allah or Cabot Plain Greek Yogurt--yogurt actually changes biology when prayed over--we are all in this together, we are all a smaller part of a greater order and we must all come to that realization if we are to enjoy any measure of unreasonable happiness.

 I try to make the most of that reality by studying life and how I can make it easier on myself. I tend to spin out. One tiny slip, one moment of carelessness in decision making and I'm back in a tailspin. I hit the ground finally. I had mentioned that my descent into spiritual abstinence and 'self-will run riot' began during my vacation in Florida. When I came home, I went on a two-day food binge. I was in agony. Everything sucked. I couldn't even find the focus to resent anything or anybody for long enough to come up with a solution.

 Over the last twenty-four hours, I have eaten minimally. Maybe a few hundred calories. The rest has been water. Zero simple carbohydrates, some fruit, a couple of mushrooms, a pepper and tuna. And I'm starting to see the light again. I am beginning to see what's possible if only I can stop myself for long enough to focus on what needs to be done. I keep looking back on the list of truths that I had written out. Through it, I was able to avoid spending any more money than I absolutely need to, and for the next 12 days, God willing, I won't be spending anything.

 Here are some things I plan to resolve and how I plan to resolve them: 

 People keep asking me why I bought myself a laptop if all I ever do is use the PC, and I'm tired of people asking me that question. So I'm using my laptop from now on, a surefire solution to being badgered. In response to the question of why I would prefer to use the PC instead of my laptop, my laptop is too slow. It takes quite a bit of patience for me to sit down with it and try to type at the speed I'm used to without overwhelming the hard drive. That and it just takes too long to load up.

 A truth I have managed to forget about is that I am happier and more creative when I read myself to sleep, so starting tonight, I'm going to read myself to sleep. I'm also going to set my alarm so I can get up at a reasonable time tomorrow morning, and I am going to avoid taking my gabapentin to make sure I get up. It also might force me into a state of needing to evaluate things instead of just letting them float by me unnoticed.

Struggling desperately with my serenity...

I'm still sober. I haven't had a drink in eight months, and lately it's all I can think about. I have really been struggling with my serenity lately, spending too much money, not spending enough time looking at my problems and coming up with reasonable solutions to them and eating too much. I think it all started before I left for vacation, it picked up speed in Florida and just got worse when I got home.

I have another installment to The Leaders Among Us due on Monday, but I can't justify writing it until I'm in the right space again. So one of my tasks from now until Monday is to get there. The rest include reviewing the list of truths that I had written out before or at least coming up with a new one so I have somewhere to start, reinitiating my carbohydrate detox and reviewing my sobriety material. This assumes to be true that it's possible to start my day over whenever I feel it's necessary.

I'll update later on this evening. I need to. I need to stay in touch with this blog. I think that might be one of the reasons I had a hard time staying this recent spiritual decline. I wasn't on my A-game with respect to writing. I fell out of the habit. Screw that. I need to write like I need to breathe.

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My first update in over a week...

I started withdrawing from blog writing. I broke out in cold sweats, boils, nightmares about my readers abandoning me...actually, no. It probably did me some good to get away fro the computer for awhile. I had an awesome week in Florida, which I'll update everyone on as soon as things settle down here. Our flight got in at about 1am. Everyone is so tired!

There are so many things I learned in Florida, particularly with respect to my appreciation for how big the world really is, even though people say it's small. It's not small. It's vast and immense and beautiful and life is impossibly precious.

More on that later. God, there's so much to talk about...

THINK. The word THINK is an acronym for something I want to start applying to my life, that being that I want to THINK before I speak. Is what I am about to say Timely, Helpful, Insightful, Necessary and Kind? I should save an extraordinary amount of energy living by this model. We shall see.

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Finally back home!

Great to be back! I'll update in the morning.

Kiana, your prayer opened a door; My Higher Power

...upon Whose direction I feel I cannot help but rely, made a stellar introduction this evening as someone offered me a prayer outside the church. Moved by the gesture, I bowed my head and closed my eyes, because I really didn't know what else to do.

Except for in these latter posts, what I find to be missing from my blog is emotional vulnerability. I write with my head. Often absent from my work is a sense of exposure, a bearing of the deepest and most beautiful parts of myself.

Tonight, I break the cycle of strictly critical thinking with a critical approach to perceiving spirituality. There's a big difference between writing what I've internalized, and writing in a manner that not only speaks to but of me.

Kiana asked that God bless this blog. I believe in a Higher Power, but the God of many people's understanding evades my personal comprehension. What scares me is that Whomever Kiana relies upon for her own spiritual guidance seems to have honored her request that this blog be blessed in the interim.

It scares me because...I don't know. I just don't know.