I can finally calm down...

As I mentioned in my last post (not the one I've since deleted and officially deny ever existed), my creative side is starting to filter back into my life the longer I stay sober. 

Up until this point it's been a white knuckle battle that really hadn't gotten any easier up until last night, when I remembered what got me sober the last time...breaking my sobriety down into periods of 90 days and just letting them come instead of wishing I could speed up the clock.

I'm not afraid of accumulating time, anymore. As far as I'm concerned, I'm giving myself the chance that people have told me I should give myself for some time now. I'm going to grow out a nice bushy mustache, sip shitty coffee and just relax at my regular sobriety groups instead of playing chess with my disease and getting my ass handed to me.

Last sumer, I relapsed and made sure I brought someone else down with me. That night, I took an instant knock on the chin from the Powers that Be, drinking so much alcohol that I woke up the next morning (thank God) and spent the day making gutteral offerings to the porcelain goddess. 

I'm not all about assaulting my soul in that fashion again, or, for that matter, anyone elses. I had every right to bring harm upon myself that night, but to invite it upon someone else was probably the worst way to justify a relapse that I can possibly think of. 

Whatever happens in the next _ days, the one thing I won't do is pick up a drink, because I deserve what little serenity I've managed to scrape up in the last _. The clouds are beginning to lift, my conscience is beginning to clear, and I'm beginning to see the damage I've wrought upon the people closest to me.

I want my recovery.

I've never actually wanted a drink. All I've ever wanted to do was feel better, and there are much more relaxing, less expensive and smarter ways to go about achieving that. All I need to do is have faith that I'm on the right path, stay honest, open, and willing to be of service to those in the same predicament as I, and the Universe will reward me with the opportunity to love with a sober heart. 

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