A craving took me by the soul a few hours ago, and it took every single one of my sobriety related coping skills to stave off disaster. This was the first time in a very long time that I have implemented all of my sobriety related coping mechanisms, and I find it to be of note because it's the first time during this critical point in my life (over the last month or so I seem to have evolved into a creature of self-advancement) where I've experienced a craving that I didn't give into.
What kept me sober tonight was a tool that I used about six months ago.
At any given moment between now and midnight, an alcoholic could fall through the roof and need my help, and I need to be ready. That is my mission for this evening, to remain ready to be of service to the alcoholic who still suffers. There could be someone reading this post right now, struggling with a drinking problem and grasping at straws for that last little flicker of hope. I need to remain sober in order to show that person that it is possible to avoid taking one drink for one day.
I can always drink tomorrow...just not today. Not this one day, not in this one period of twenty-four hours. My sobriety date is Halloween, the Pagan New Year. I try not to focus on it because the prospect of accumulating time scares the crap out of me, but I've had longterm sobriety before. Four solid years once, and the reason I relapsed was because I stopped using my coping skills because I didn't think I needed them anymore.
I need to be ready when that day comes along again, because when I firmly believe that I no longer need them, and that I can take a drink in safety, my disease has my brain by the balls and it will not let go until I pick up again.
And the last time I picked up, I wound up here.
Being sober on that day may well hinge on my continued sobriety starting now. I don't want to be back here ever again. I want out of the bog, and all I need to do to make that happen is to put my head on my pillow tonight sober. I wrote some time ago that people feel closer to me when I love with a sober heart. I'm not ashamed to write about my desire to drink alcohol. I would have been ashamed if I picked up.
And I won't. Not tonight, not today, and for that, I'll take a win on my training. The Universe wants to know if I'm ready. For something, I don't know what exactly, but something. Whatever it is, I passed tonight's test.
Fuck you, craving.
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