Confusion

I'm not perfect.

If I was, I wouldn't be in the situation I am now. I said some nasty things to someone over something petty, and now I don't have the luxury of speaking to her when I really need support around me.

She was a good friend, and despite my infantile need to "hog it all"--everything. I think I would hog the air if I could--and this bizarre notion that at that particular time, my needs were more important than hers, I was wrong.

It bothers me that I can't make ammends--she has severed every possible angle of communication that I could think of--but I think it's because I feel as though I'm being ignored.

And this is what confuses me...you ready?...here it comes...

I'm appreciative of the support that she offered me while we were still communicating, but the reality is I can't tolerate the type of relationship where I feel as though I'm being looked down upon, even if it's all in my imagination.

So why in the hell am I frustrated that I'm being ignored?

To keep myself safe, I want to hole up, turn this into a seething resentment and envision standing around hearing her desperate pleas for me to take her back--because of course I'm that important, right?--but I'm not going to, for two reasons:

1. She doesn't deserve it. After all the support that she gave me she didn't even deserve what happened this morning.
2. I need a clear head and heart to keep this blog going.

A final apology for my behavior and a thank you for her support.

Until then, I'll keep writing.

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