She brought up a good point last night...

I was engaged in an argument with a friend of mine last night. Formerly an online fling, now a frozen stone...because of me. I wrote recently that I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. This only applies in certain situations, which I will now disclose here: I am capable of controlled drinking, but I have an addictive personality, I have had trouble with drinking in the past and I probably shouldn't be fucking doing it at all!

I directed her to my post "Old Habits Are Sparring Partners." She read it and informed me that the writing in my blog reflected the person that I want to be, but that if I don't manage certain aspects of my life as they relate to addiction, I'm only that person part of the time, and if I'm only that person part of the time, it means I'm not that person yet.

So, I have decided to be that person for awhile. Actually, I'll say that I have decided not to be the person I am when I'm not being the person I should be. I think that preventative maintenance is a step toward preserving ground but I don't regard it as forward momentum. There's no such thing as stagnant water.

The reality is I need to build on the ground I've gained, not just maintain it.

I'll start by acknowledging the fact that even after the argument we had last night, Laura reminded me of what I'm capable of and what she wanted for me. Her anger toward me was well deserved while my anger toward her was unprovoked.

I had a similar confrontation with another great friend recently and I want to make it clear to all those reading this that my decision to abstain from alcohol is a personal one. I have lost great amounts of respect from most of my friends for drinking within reason, and controlled drinking just isn't worth that. People feel much closer to me when I love with a sober heart than with a partially clouded one.

That being said, I intend to install fail-safes in numerous areas of my life. Instantly moving my paychecks over into my other account so that I don't have access to the money needed to purchase alcohol, regular communication with sober people, and attending sobriety groups. When I wake up in the morning I can either work on my recovery or I can work on my next relapse.

Fuck anything in between. I want my readers to know that I am engaged in a spiritual, mental and physical battle against addiction, that I have been since I was eighteen, and that I have managed to stay sober for extended periods of time despite that.

Time for another long ass stretch, starting today.

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