It occurs to me that I've never taken a drink or a drug into my body that actually did what I thought it would. There was always the need for more, the denial of that reality, and subsequent relapses into addictive behavior patterns which could have landed me on the rocks.
I'm addicted to the hit. It doesn't matter what it is. I have a particular appreciation for alcohol but since my last post on it I've concluded that I'm an alcoholic. Once I start I can't stop, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't get that.
It doesn't matter what the temptation is. If it is not moving me forward in life, I feel like a worthless piece of shit when I give into it, only the feeling isn't overwhelming. It's nagging, a reminder.
Got you again, asshole.
Every drag I take off a cigarette, every time I buy a Coke or a donut or a friggin notebook (new notebooks make me feel good again for about twelve seconds), I get a sinking feeling in my stomach.
Just this one last time, just like the last time, right?
One series of addictive behaviors picks up where the other one left off. It feels like a fucking merry-go-round, like genuine happiness is running circles around my ass and all I'm doing is chasing my tail.
I need to bring more durable satisfaction into my life. Making dinner instead of eating mindlessly because cooking allows me to interact with the ingredients I'm using. Reading a book because books are reliable, free, and you only need to read the same story twice if you want to. Encouraging creative play with Olivia. Helping others. Daily reviews of my spiritual condition. These are all things that I can do and keep doing.
The oppitomy of sustainable energy.
Ah, that's it. This is what the next chapter is about...sustainable energy, maintaining spiritual velocity at the bare minimum of energetic projection.
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