I know what it's like to be watched, now...

...it's nice knowing that the business cards are working and that people continue to follow me after my failures last week, but what I wasn't expecting when I started this blog was complete transparency and a looking glass into my life.

I don't have any room to fuck up anymore, which is somewhat frustrating, annoying, off-putting, ungrounding...hmm. Anything else?

Then again, I did get this blog going to better myself. Whether I was expecting to be held accountable by so many people on a regular basis or not, I need to press on. Chuck Norris might be able to unscramble an egg, but I can't. I'm left molding the scraps into some resemblance of normalcy.

This post has taken on many shapes and sizes. Ive deleted lines, tried to build on concepts that proved eventually to be dead ends, and sighed loudly, sitting back into this chair in my mom's office trying to make sense of it all (I like this chair better than the one we used to have, though...that one used to sink). What I've come up with is a post about change and adaptability.

I want my emotional privacy, and though I hate to admit it, I think I always have. Deep down I knew that if I could save all of my energy for my own allocation, I would be okay, and a million times more productive than I would be if I needed to spend that energy on someone else.

Now, more than ever, I need to indulge in that privacy, but I also need to accept that the end result will play to my readers' advantage, and that I will need to molt under flourescent lights and observation.

There is no avoiding this reality. I need to adapt to the prospect of living in two worlds at once, mine...and my world as you see it.

I need to be selfish. I need to cut people off if they mean me harm or frustration. I need to train every day. I need to write posts as they come, not as I think they should come. I need to let the powers that be sweep me into that warm embrace and learn to love the rain and the cold and the sweat and the pain and satisfaction of hard work.

I need to be someone I've always had a diffcult time being: myself, because I promised I would keep this blog alive come hell or high water, and if I become someone I'm not to keep people interested in who they can become, I will have stripped myself and The Introvert Exposed of the integrity it needs to maintain inertia, and purpose.

I will have sunk into the blog bog.

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