05/03/2014
Charissa came over. She brought me a framed picture of her with the baby. The thought was sweet, one of the nicest small things that anyone has ever done for me. It made my day. The fact that the Bruins won was the icing on the cake. They scored four goals in the third period to take the game 5 to 3. They are now 1 and 1 in the semi-finals with the Canadians. They started the last series the same way. Then they proceeded to win 4 games in a row to take the series against Detroit in the quarterfinals.
Charissa's mom is having hip surgery in a couple of weeks. I told her to let me know if there was anything I could do for her. As of late, I've had the urge to be of service to anyone in need of it, an odd notion, as I've spent most of my life in need of service from others.
As Scott and I watch the Bruins game the other night, I began to open up to him about my faith. I was shocked at how accepting he was at the notion that the Book of Mormon could be interpreted in more than one way.
I read him some stuff out of my journal, told him about Jessie and about the sexual assault I'd endured on a hot night in August nine years earlier--I would eventually discover through cognitive behavioral therapy sessions that it was in the immediate aftermath of the event that I solidified Jessie as a second personality to help me cope with what had happened--and told him that Wicca parallels Christianity on a number of levels. I also told him that Paganism was one of the oldest religions in the world and that I found it humorous that people regarded it as "new age."
He told me that the Book of Mormon teaches us to find Truth wherever possible. Truth with a capital T. The fact that it makes no reference to parallel Dimensions does not restrict the Seeker from seeking truth within them./
I had started talking about exploring under the bridge at Middlesex Community College. Prior to that, I had spoken to a man who had locked his bike against the chain designed to keep the pedestrians from climbing down onto the lower land. He bragged about three fish he had caught illegally. He showed me pictures of them on his phone (I would regard them presently as decent catches, which is why I mentioned them here).
Once I got bored with the college campus, I followed the canal out by the DCF office. I didn't know it before but apparently three or four dams guide water through the canal in Lowell. The dam closest to myself and most accessible to pedestrians was surrounded by trees on three sides and pavement on the last. As I approached it, I saw three teenagers. A young girl was on one side of the dam (mine). Across from her, another girl and another boy stood with smirks. I eyed a pink backpack hanging from a tree limb on the side opposite me, but quickly dismissed it.
I scanned the length of the canal within my line of sight and found that had the group been together at one point, the only way the other two could have crossed would have been a beam approximately 8 inches wide, floating ten or 12 feet above the raging torrent below.
My eyes drifted once again to the backpack.
This time I got it--the backpack belonged to the girl on my side of the dam, and the boy was taunting her with it.
The two were in a stalemate. I reached for my phone to call the police but soon discovered that I didn't have it with me.
Shit.
I didn't want to fetch help because that would have meant leaving the scene. I felt that as the only adult in the situation, I exerted some measure of control over it--in hindsight (journal reflection present day, hereforth indicated by JRPD) this was probably true, but it's likely that I had much less control over the situation than I thought I did.
I didn't want to confront the boy because I didn't have a plan. I wasn't going to threaten him with the police because I didn't have my phone, and I didn't want to run the risk of heating things up.
I decided that my best course of action would be to make my presence known, and to make it clear to all involved that I wasn't going to leave until the situation had come to peaceful resolution.
I addressed the girl on my side of the dam.
"Don't do it," I urged her.
"I'm not going to," she told me. I didn't trust the response. I could see it, the way her breath kept catching in her chest, the way she kept shifting her weight.
What I can now only describe as pure instinct presented for me then as the need to oversee the situation from a caretaker's perspective.
As the taunting became more deliberate, I was compelled to step in again.
"That water will suck you under it before you can even take your first breath."
She smiled nervously. She was uncomfortable with me there, but I was too uncomfortable with the situation to walk away.
I paced anxiously but refused to recant. I was going to keep the situation under control whether they liked it or not.
It didn't take long. The boy eventually conceded, took the bag in his hand and began scooting across the beam. He held the bag out over the water on the way for good measure, laughed once and continued scooting.
He arrived safely on our side of the dam, followed by the girl behind him. As soon as she was on dry land, I left.
I was disgusted by the lack of consideration that the boy had shown for the girl. I was also proud of the girl for standing her ground, something I am not entirely sure I would have done had I been presented with her choices at that age.
I suspect that she will relive the situation enough times to prompt her to find new friends. Regardless, I was afforded a momentary albeit powerful glimpse into the depreciation of reason that occurs with the onset of puberty.
The greatest threat the Adolescent faces is himself. At face value, the depreciation of reason would appear to be a big step in the wrong direction, a de-evolution of sorts. If you really think about it, though, it makes perfect sense. At the simplest level, adolescence is a period of development where individuals explore the boundaries of social interaction and human potential, including those surrounding death.
That doesn't make them any less of a threat to themselves, or to others. It's just my way of entertaining denial about the fact that my daughter will someday Explore her own boundaries surrounded by immaturity, rebellion, thrill-seeking and a complete disregard for human life/
The baby is sleeping, I put my articles on hold, and I have the entire night to spend time with the only thing other than exercise that seems to keep my head on straight lately...this Journal.
Line after line, thought after thought, there becomes a physical assignment for things which have been clouding my brain. Writing helps me process and always has. It's odd how the confusion of the present the zips up so neatly in the past. Seeing it on paper reminds me that I'm on a path, not just floating aimlessly about a reality that has no place in the rest of the universe. The past and our perception of the past are two completely different conditions on Earth.
Writing also allows my subconscious to bear itself. I seek knowledge constantly, and one of the best ways to access knowledge is to figure out what's going on behind the scenes and to resolve it.
One of the things that I need to work on is to keep the concept of doing good for others fresh in my mind. I wrote earlier that I will become how I choose to view the world. I will also become how the world chooses to view me.
Looking back over the years, I was happiest when I was around happy people, doing good for others, and living my life in the Light. I wish I could have seen that I was happy back then, but it's a law that we cannot. We are biologically programmed to take it for granted. We only begin to seek happiness actively when we are no longer possessed of it.
I used to believe that the darkness was more satisfying than the Light. Bullied for years, it made more sense for me to just unload my frustrations on somebody rather than go out of my way to help them.
Free from the struggles I endured back then--whether that is now to my spiritual detriment or not--I find the Light to be superior.
It's hard to describe the Light. I guess I'll start by saying that it's the emotional equivalent to feeling warm air on your cheeks when you come in from the cold, but it's not so focused as to disclude the emotional warmth that would have come with the experience.
Exploration of Sustainable Satisfaction-
The Light is entirely a full body experience. It is physical.
It is exciting, relaxing, rejuvenating, often sexual (where lovemaking is concerned--the array of emotions experienced during intercourse is vast, many of them deeply rooted in religious fulfillment), complete, pure...instant gratification without "the crash."
Living in the Light expands your reality. As I look over at the picture I have on my nightstand, the picture of Olivia and Charissa, I wonder why I've been waiting so long to embrace happiness.
Is it possible to live without the Light? Yes. I only say that because I have experienced that state of being, though I hasten to say that it was not a voluntary course.
I once wrested satisfaction from bringing harm upon others. People bit me and I bit back ten times harder, and I enjoyed the effect.
This is not a source of pride for me. I raise this character defect to your attention because a major theme in this journal is allowing my readers to explore the ways in which their world relates to mine without bias or fear that others may not relate to me in the same way.
Everyone has monsters under the bed...everyone. No one on this Earth is safe from the Thought Police.
05/04/2014
I went to church today. As I don't smoke anymore, I didn't get up for a break, and I stayed the whole three hours. My favorite part of the message came during the last class, when brother Cooprider was comparing the efforts of the church to strategies employed by those in battle.
First, one must gather information. Next they must analyze the data. Then they must plan. Review. Revise. Revisit. Only then can they begin capitalize on the enemy's weaknesses.
In the case of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Satan is the adversary. Satan is Darkness, problems, struggle, pain, difficulty, adversity, and anger. He encompasses all that is dark, or in simpler terms, the absence of Light. I am ambivalent as to whether or not I should continue to view Satan as a literal figure or as a figurative one.
To many people, He is both.
The Book of Mormon suggests that God is building up His army in preparation for a literal war between good and evil. The fact that the church executes its attacks on evil with such strategy was something of which I was unaware, but I was struck deep with excitement when I heard it.
Can I really use strategy, my one and only true friend, to save those around me from despair, to wage war against the darkness, and to reap the rewards of perpetually renewing positive Karma?
Is it possible that I have found the answer to living a full life here?
I invited my dad up to Camp Collier on the 23rd. He insists that Mormons are out to convert members. If non-members could feel what I feel, would they turn to the Light? If they were to take the Word figuratively and consider the happiness that lies in wait for those who would partake of it, would they seize upon the opportunity?
The darkness is only satisfying short spurts. For those of you who were like me, terrified that a life led in the light would be overwhelming, there is more than enough darkness in the world to keep you anchored, for as it can be cast aside when you don't need it, it can be called upon when you do, and it will be.
We are human after all/
Original Articles. Constant-Content.