Welcome Aboard, Crystal

Very short post but this was all I had time for, even if it only means that one of my readers knows I'm good for my word.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Back in training; Adopting the role of a spiritual scientist...

...involves dedication to asking the right questions, to documenting my findings, and to inviting my readers on a meaningful journey with me, something I had considered in the past but not to the extent to which I am now considering it.

I had written previously about the need to molt under fluorescent lights as well as some questions I had about how important brutal honesty was to my mission. At the time, that mission was not clearly defined.

My overarching mission is now the transparent search for a practical approach to spiritual living.

Time to bring my head, heart and talent into deliberate sync with each other once again and to get back to good ole grassroots spiritual training.  

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Why the Universe lets us make mistakes

I think it's so that we can learn from them. Simple as that.

I needed a lesson in loving myself tonight. I was invited to deposit opinion and experience into a group of individuals with far more experience than I. Instantly, I regretted stepping up to the challenge and after running over the time limit I was invited to shut up.

Immediately, feelings of failure swam up around me. I felt like I was drowning. The familiar bog of self pity was almost comforting. As soon as I realized that I was having maladaptive thoughts, I forgave myself and prayed.

The binding lesson in tonight's experience (loving myself was latent) was the realization that sitting quietly and listening is of more benefit to me than imparting information I don't have to people who already do.

Right at the 10,000 page-view mark; writing a post, anyway

The cookies are out, my daughter is soon to be asleep, and Santa will be here in an hour, and here I sit before the glow of the computer, typing because I have no other choice. The need to feel my fingers tapping along the keyboard is ferocious this evening.

This will probably be a short entry. I wanted to touch base with my readers more than anything else. I am approaching the 10,000 page-view mark for this blog and will have likely surpassed it by the end of the day tomorrow. I've decided to hold off on my next post for Your Tewksbury Today until Tuesday. I'm paranoid about letting it sit while everyone celebrates instead of clicking through the paper.

I intend to start anew after the holiday. I'm looking forward to this, the Month of the Birch, a time of renewal and growth, the beginning of which was yesterday. For now, I'm looking forward to seeing my daughter's eyes light up in the morning.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Blessed Be!

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Day Two: New Memories, Challenge Accepted!

My mom did a great job prepping gingerbread houses today. She got all the candy in individual bowls, made the frosting. Such an awesome mom!! Everyone had a blast! My dad got into it, my mom showed me how to make realistic icicles using the royal icing and Olivia sat there eating candy, which, admittedly, I encouraged before we started. Even if I could blame her, I wouldn't. These are the memories that make life worth living. Next year, I'll prep the gingerbread houses!

I had a teenie tiny spat with my mom yesterday where I said something stupid along the lines of moving out. From it sprang up the challenge...bearing all of the responsibility that I would in my own house, including planning and prepping meals for Olivia, washing her laundry, brushing her teeth, doing her hair, everything that I would need to do if my parents up and moved to Florida and left me here with my beautiful daughter in a beautiful house.

The challenge even includes paying more rent, saving first, last and security, managing my dental payments and improving my credit. I discovered last night over a powerful therapy session that it's acceptable to take all of this on at once, provided I have safety nets so that I don't take marginal failures personally and so that I'm not plagued by recency bias. 

Recency bias is a recognized phenomenon wherein people view things through the evaluative lens with which they were presented most recently as opposed to looking at the bigger picture. This applies to both negative and positive trends.

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Day One: New Corey

I won't jump the gun and say that I'm already back in the groove, but I'm getting there. Just as I told my readers I would, I started my day at 5am, and it burns me that it's enjoyable for me to do so. I've already eaten--oatmeal instead of Reese's--taken my meds, had my coffee and gotten Olivia's backpack ready for school, and I'm coming into the stretch of the morning that seemed impossibly long to me yesterday...waiting for the day to start.

Setting my alarm--which annoys me; I think I shall replace it with classical music instead of the urgent 'turn me off before I wake the rest of the house up' beeping--any later than I did today would make me feel rushed. I can't explain why. It just would. So I need to find something to do in the morning to keep me awake without waking everyone else up.

Instead of forcing that reality, I'm waiting for it to come to me. I feel like forcing it would be an offense to the Universe. I did need to exert a certain amount of energy to begin making this change, whatever it will turn out to be, but listening for the answer instead of telling the Universe how it's going to be seems more in tune with what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm also going to try resorting back to the method I was trying to use before...technology fasting while Olivia is in my care. My dad pointed out that whenever I'm interrupted from writing, I seem to get frustrated. Well, duh. I pick the worst times to sit down and start a post and it's impossible for me to shift from writing mode directly into parenting mode without getting flustered. It's even pissing me off reporting as much.

Goodnight, Moon. Good morning, Sun. Grant me the clarity to receive Your Guidance and to grow today.

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I enjoy getting up early...

One of the biggest advantages to me getting up at 5 o'clock on Tuesdays is that I get to start the day on my own terms, and sitting here having just typed as much, I think I want to start doing this every day.

One of the problems that I was running into prior to this realization is that I never set my alarm early enough to distinguish the need to get up early from the need to simply get up earlier than Olivia, so I would always hit the famed 'snooze' button and go back to sleep.

I'm going to set tomorrow's alarm for 5am and see if it makes a difference!

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

I don't plan my life like that...

I don't understand why people ask me what I want to do three weeks from now. I don't even know if what I'll want to do 20 minutes from now will be worth writing about because my mood could change.

I try not to plan things too far in advance because unless they're life altering decisions, they may not hold much weight. Why would I lock myself into doing something I might not want to do when the time comes?

It's much easier letting the wind carry me from one course of action to the next. Some of us may have comprehensive knowledge about atmospheric disturbances and why the wind blows in the direction that it does, but that is an order that does not affect me, except to say that it's random enough for me to rely on.

Hitch a ride with the next New England breeze...

New habitat for my crabs...A post to keep the numbers rolling...

Only this time I'm going to write from my heart instead of my head. I'm very distracted, cloudy, but emotionally there seems to be something I'm yearning for but can't quite lay a hand on yet. I had mentioned during my last string on not binge eating on carbohydrates that I was beginning to feel the love and joy of the Christmas season. Now I can feel it but not like before. I feel like it should mean more.

I'm full, I'm exhausted and I just can't seem to stay in the moment. What I did do right this morning was that I was more deliberate about staying clutter free. I wasn't successful but I was able to push myself mentally a bit further than I was yesterday. I feel like every day I'm getting a tiny bit better, but it's taking so freaking long. I feel it's been the 18th for about a week now and it's not even here yet. I've been eating too much so I feel guilty and less than, but my craving for a drink is beginning to fade.

I bought my crabs a treat today, namely because I wasn't financially in any position to buy them more than I did, which ended up being compressed coconut fiber. Calcium rich sand just doesn't cut it for crabs even though they advertise it specifically to hermit crab owners. Coconut fiber serves as a dirt so they can burrow and molt in privacy and safety, and since you need to use water to get the coconut fiber to expand (I used a large bucket from in the garage and was actually able to expand the coconut fiber in my room without getting it all over the place--it's dryer than you might think), it bumps up the humidity in the enclosure making it easier for them to breathe. Historically whenever I go through any major change in my life, one of my crabs molts or switches shells.

Let's see what this more appropriate hermit crab environment does for my life.



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Are you a denomination?

No. I'm not. I believe in a Creator of some sort. It doesn't really matter how we relate to the Universe, whether through Christ or Allah or Cabot Plain Greek Yogurt--yogurt actually changes biology when prayed over--we are all in this together, we are all a smaller part of a greater order and we must all come to that realization if we are to enjoy any measure of unreasonable happiness.

 I try to make the most of that reality by studying life and how I can make it easier on myself. I tend to spin out. One tiny slip, one moment of carelessness in decision making and I'm back in a tailspin. I hit the ground finally. I had mentioned that my descent into spiritual abstinence and 'self-will run riot' began during my vacation in Florida. When I came home, I went on a two-day food binge. I was in agony. Everything sucked. I couldn't even find the focus to resent anything or anybody for long enough to come up with a solution.

 Over the last twenty-four hours, I have eaten minimally. Maybe a few hundred calories. The rest has been water. Zero simple carbohydrates, some fruit, a couple of mushrooms, a pepper and tuna. And I'm starting to see the light again. I am beginning to see what's possible if only I can stop myself for long enough to focus on what needs to be done. I keep looking back on the list of truths that I had written out. Through it, I was able to avoid spending any more money than I absolutely need to, and for the next 12 days, God willing, I won't be spending anything.

 Here are some things I plan to resolve and how I plan to resolve them: 

 People keep asking me why I bought myself a laptop if all I ever do is use the PC, and I'm tired of people asking me that question. So I'm using my laptop from now on, a surefire solution to being badgered. In response to the question of why I would prefer to use the PC instead of my laptop, my laptop is too slow. It takes quite a bit of patience for me to sit down with it and try to type at the speed I'm used to without overwhelming the hard drive. That and it just takes too long to load up.

 A truth I have managed to forget about is that I am happier and more creative when I read myself to sleep, so starting tonight, I'm going to read myself to sleep. I'm also going to set my alarm so I can get up at a reasonable time tomorrow morning, and I am going to avoid taking my gabapentin to make sure I get up. It also might force me into a state of needing to evaluate things instead of just letting them float by me unnoticed.

Struggling desperately with my serenity...

I'm still sober. I haven't had a drink in eight months, and lately it's all I can think about. I have really been struggling with my serenity lately, spending too much money, not spending enough time looking at my problems and coming up with reasonable solutions to them and eating too much. I think it all started before I left for vacation, it picked up speed in Florida and just got worse when I got home.

I have another installment to The Leaders Among Us due on Monday, but I can't justify writing it until I'm in the right space again. So one of my tasks from now until Monday is to get there. The rest include reviewing the list of truths that I had written out before or at least coming up with a new one so I have somewhere to start, reinitiating my carbohydrate detox and reviewing my sobriety material. This assumes to be true that it's possible to start my day over whenever I feel it's necessary.

I'll update later on this evening. I need to. I need to stay in touch with this blog. I think that might be one of the reasons I had a hard time staying this recent spiritual decline. I wasn't on my A-game with respect to writing. I fell out of the habit. Screw that. I need to write like I need to breathe.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

My first update in over a week...

I started withdrawing from blog writing. I broke out in cold sweats, boils, nightmares about my readers abandoning me...actually, no. It probably did me some good to get away fro the computer for awhile. I had an awesome week in Florida, which I'll update everyone on as soon as things settle down here. Our flight got in at about 1am. Everyone is so tired!

There are so many things I learned in Florida, particularly with respect to my appreciation for how big the world really is, even though people say it's small. It's not small. It's vast and immense and beautiful and life is impossibly precious.

More on that later. God, there's so much to talk about...

THINK. The word THINK is an acronym for something I want to start applying to my life, that being that I want to THINK before I speak. Is what I am about to say Timely, Helpful, Insightful, Necessary and Kind? I should save an extraordinary amount of energy living by this model. We shall see.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Finally back home!

Great to be back! I'll update in the morning.

Kiana, your prayer opened a door; My Higher Power

...upon Whose direction I feel I cannot help but rely, made a stellar introduction this evening as someone offered me a prayer outside the church. Moved by the gesture, I bowed my head and closed my eyes, because I really didn't know what else to do.

Except for in these latter posts, what I find to be missing from my blog is emotional vulnerability. I write with my head. Often absent from my work is a sense of exposure, a bearing of the deepest and most beautiful parts of myself.

Tonight, I break the cycle of strictly critical thinking with a critical approach to perceiving spirituality. There's a big difference between writing what I've internalized, and writing in a manner that not only speaks to but of me.

Kiana asked that God bless this blog. I believe in a Higher Power, but the God of many people's understanding evades my personal comprehension. What scares me is that Whomever Kiana relies upon for her own spiritual guidance seems to have honored her request that this blog be blessed in the interim.

It scares me because...I don't know. I just don't know.

A taste of the well; a list

I got another taste of the well today. I can't remember what I didn't respond to, but the point is I wasn't even tempted to object when normally I would have been livid. I accepted the reality of the situation and chose to change how I responded to it emotionally.

It still aggravates me when people tell me to accept life on life's terms, but what I've failed to realize up until this point is that I can accept a situation without it affecting my emotional state.

Nobody likes to be told to suck it up. When I hear those words I want to start slapping people. I certainly have the agency to entertain the side of myself that wants to reject a given situation because it makes me uncomfortable in a certain way, but I also have the power to wrest complete satisfaction from every moment that comes to pass before me.

It just takes being in a certain place to be able to do that.

So I sat in my room today and I started to think about what it would take in order for me to stay in that place.

As I sat there on my bed with my 18-month planner jotting things down that I would like to complete over the next several days, I started writing out a list of things I knew to be true:

'Procrastination never balances out; it's easier to keep my car clean if I stay on top of it; I'm less stressed when I save money; getting high on dextromethorphan scares the crap out of me; I am an alcoholic; carbohydrates affect my serenity; sugar makes my body hurt.'

These are all things that I wish I could remember three minutes before taking cough medicine rather than 40 minutes after, moments before I buy a tasty treat instead of four hours later when I feel like I'm having my joints ripped apart and I'm crippled by sensory overwhelm.

For the longest time, I wished that I could have them all in one place. Now I can. No more 'I thought you told me that x does x to you and x does x to you. You're confusing me!' Periodically, I intend to write out lists of truths so I can keep them committed to memory instead of letting my body forget right when it needs to remember.



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A smash and grab on my car...and my response was gratitude?

Not tonight. Several years ago now, but it happened at a point in my life where I would write so much that my hand would cramp up and I would need to stop and fold laundry. This was when I worked third shift at a hotel in Tewksbury folding bed linens and towels and I could see the good in all things.

I woke up, got ready for work and walked outside at about 10:30pm to find that someone had smashed in both of my passenger side windows. 

Know what my first reaction was?

Wow, that broken glass looks beautiful in the floodlights.

I'm not kidding. It was gorgeous. I called work. Then I called the police. 

A few days later I woke up and discovered that someone had smashed in the small rear passenger side window and stolen a cup of quarters that I had been using for laundry. My first reaction: They probably need it to by Christmas presents. I hope it helps.

I want that back. I want the ability to maintain the coolest head in the room while I watch everyone else run around and freak out wasting energy on something they can't change. I've always known that I was happier at that time in my life than any other, and I used to think it was because I was writing a lot. It wasn't. It was because I was sober and strengthening my spirit by looking for the good in everything.

Lately, I've been getting tastes of it. Not big tastes, but the ones that really count, like when you're moving a box of sugar and all of a sudden your tongue comes alive with the taste of a few granules that you didn't see.

It takes so much work to mine those moments, but the deeper you go, the better it gets. I promise!

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The Unmerited Gift

3 days of no distractions and no financial obligations whatsoever lie ahead of me. I have three days and three nights to spend with my little girl, to sleep in, to worry about absolutely nothing, and to stay off my phone as much as possible.

I wanted to thank everyone for their continued readership. I love the feel of my fingers tapping against the keys knowing that I'm bringing some measure of resolution to the army of ideas marching around in my head, and I'm so glad to have all of you with me to partake of that. The more I write, the more I grow because it's nearly impossible to write a lie.

For me, anyway.

It keeps me honest.

I'm starting to feel the joy that I felt as a kid at holiday parties or even just sitting around the dinner table with family, that warm feeling that hit my stomach the night I took my first shot, the one that added value to my life. Only now I can experience that love and warmth sober.

I chased the feeling of drunken euphoria long and hard, almost to the gates of death, and never once did I emerge from the slums of a bender unscathed, or having ever found what I was looking for. Now that I'm sober, I get to watch my daughter's eyes light up whenever she sees a Christmas tree. I get to read to her and feel what I'm reading. I'm starting to realize that it's okay not to feel emotionally safe sometimes because it is only when I take those risks that I feel anything at all.

I feel love, deep, whole, complete love for my child and it's such a blessing to be able to bring her so much joy, such a privilege to be able to introduce her to the world. I don't understand why I've been given such an unmerited gift, this most precious gift of being able to contribute to someone's life in this way. It's true what they say, that you get to relive your childhood through having children, but I never would have been able to experience it if I didn't take that first risk and stay sober for long enough to start feeling anything.

I think the best way to describe this gift, even though it transcends words--words could never hold a candle to the value of this particular gift--is that I get to feel my life. I get to live my life. I get to experience my life, instead of merely being alive and letting time go by simply because I have no other choice.



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I'm getting more of myself back...

...the longer I stay alcohol free. I seem to be enjoying an influx of joy and spirituality that I haven't felt since my relapse eight years ago. I am coming up on eight months without a drink and the fog has begun to lift for me.

I am utilizing my meditation room again, putting others ahead of myself and working steadily. I am also writing consistently (at this point I'm working on the LGBTQ story I promised everyone). I am slowly getting back into the habit of reading and most importantly, my communication with my daughter has begun to improve as I continue to do whatever it takes to keep this motivational stretch alive.

I reorganized my room again today because I couldn't stand it the way it was, anymore. Feel free to take a more proactive approach to problems in your life. It's kind of a bitch just waiting until you feel as though you might burst if you don't dedicate yourself making a change instead of just waiting for it to happen.

Changes take effect from the outside in. Motivation needs to be invited. It cannot be forced. It cannot be bribed. It cannot be bought. It does not come in the form of a pill, a pipe, or even a blog. It comes when you invite it. I shall use this final long burn to join the living, even if all that means is sitting in a circle and reading out of a book.

Thanksgiving food has no calories! Welcome Aboard, Ashley!

One thing I hardly ever discuss in these posts is my seeming inability to fail miserably without beating myself up for it. Failure isn't always a stepping stone to success. Sometimes it just sucks. I need to forgive myself for going completely hog on Thanksgiving food today. Thanksgiving food has no calories, no fat, no cholesterol and absolutely no repercussions whatsoever.

I did watch the Lions lose, hung out with Olivia, played Chinese checkers. I stayed sober, clean and smoke free and I was able to get a laugh out of someone with the pin I bought on my date with Becka, who is no longer in the picture but for whose company I am still deeply grateful. There are some people in this world who have the ability to judge with compassion exclusively. Becka is one of them.

I would like to say that I am one of them, too. I'm not. Not yet, anyway, but I'm working on it. This blog helps. It also helps to know that we've entered the Christmas season and that I can look forward to bringing as much joy to people as possible. I don't know why I need to remind myself to do it.

Things have been moving so quickly lately that it's become very easy for me to turn inward and to go into a place in my head where I don't need to process emotion. I think the understanding that everything is connected (something I seldom feel) and staying in the moment--something with which I've grown increasingly less familiar lately--are crucial to happiness, and what could make us feel more connected to the moment than doing something for somebody else?

An energy shot later, I sit here before the computer trying to hammer through a blog post that doesn't quite feel done. I like the way the keys feel beneath my fingers. I like the sound it makes. I like the feeling that pokes through the clouds when I write--the feeling that things are okay again, the feeling that things make sense again. I can type 66 words per minute and I still feel as though my thoughts are backing up, forming a line--single file--waiting for expression.

So many new people to write for and a whole new world to write about...lest this post go on forever, the best place to begin may very well be the end.

Until next time...


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Thank you all for accepting my friend requests! The Law of Exponential Attraction

Right now, I have two goals. One is to continue to generate exposure for my work. All of my work is and shall remain forever free and ad free. Again, I will accept no payment for my work. My aim is to get as many people as I possibly can in touch with the spiritual current that governs whether our lives remain difficult or become infinitely less stressful.

To that extent, I take no credit for the ideas that I'm setting forth. I believe that as the numbers go up, it will have been the work of the Universe. There are certain things in the Universe that refuse to go unspoken. One of them is that all things are exponential in nature.

What happens to an object when the source of energy behind it is removed?--it slows down! By the same token, the more momentum we have, the more influence we have, the more change we can affect. The possibilities mount ad infinitum.

My second goal is to call everyone's attention to the column that I maintain in Your Tewksbury Today. The above link will take you to the front main page of the online newspaper and you can search for my work by entering 'quantum' into the search bar in the upper right hand corner. So far I have run two series in that column. The first was titled Wresting Color From The Canvas. That one is about the 25 House Rules that govern the spiritual universe.

My new series is Quantum Exposed: The Leaders Among Us And How They Do It. Each Monday, I take a quotation from someone famous and give a brief explanation as to why it is an effective motivational tool. As always, I appreciate questions and comments. Please feel free to reach out and I can't wait to be with you on Monday morning!

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Back on my low carb diet; and a HUGE coincidence

Everything in moderation including moderation is a great philosophy to live by, especially when you fuck up and you need to justify eating way too much junk food after a strong run of avoiding it like the plague. 

Today, I started getting back into the groove of what it meant to eat healthy, not sparingly, not drastically...healthy and smart. I had an omelette for breakfast, I'm having a grapefruit now and I'm bringing an organic coconut meat power bar with me to work tonight. I'm going to try for 15,000 steps on my FitBit. If I come close enough I'll reward myself somehow, maybe by cozying up with a good book and waiting for a couple hours after I get home from work to take my sleeping pill.

I tried fishing today but it was way too cold. I met someone on the Concord River in Lowell, where I had taken pictures of the graffiti I had used to shape one of the stories I'm currently writing. I asked him for his name and he was hesitant to give it to me. I told him he could give me a false name and he told me his name was Skip. I wish I could have expressed to him how ironic it was that he had given me that name, since Skip is the name of one of the main characters in Shadow on the Hearth.

In it, I chew over whether or not to give Skip my real name.

*head spins* 

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The Tunnel

Lately I've been in what I like to call the Tunnel. It's not the Waiting Place--I think I have a post by the same name--it's the Rabbit Hole, where I get so obsessed, specifically with my relationship with my readers, that the rest of the world becomes a distraction and I try to run from it. 

I think that part of the reason I visit the tunnel is so that I can break the sense of isolation that I feel. I feel connected to my readers when I'm writing like I am now, and especially when I see that the number of hits on my blog has gone up since the last time I checked. 

It means I have an outlet. It means I'm not alone. It means I don't need to be depressed if I don't want to be because at the very least, my readers understand. I will say that as the weeks and months roll by, the number of followers on my blog increase, and that the number of people who read my column in Your Tewksbury Today has remained about a hundred for the last several articles. Those who do read my work are incredibly loyal. When I release a blog post, I usually have 12 hits within just a few minutes, like people wait for me to release it.

I can say that the feeling of moving forward was and still is very real, but it's lonely work and I don't like that. I would like to bring the sense of freedom that I feel to other people but I can't do that without coming way the hell out of my shell and just doing it instead of only talking about doing it. I'm not a hypocrite. I believe what I write and I try to live by it, but when I'm in this goddamn tunnel the only thing I can see is a light piercing a vastness of darkness that seems to stretch on for miles in every direction.

Where do I go from here? How do I break these chains without losing myself? Maybe more on this later tonight...gotta go for now. 

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I can do more with my writing than I thought I could...

When I released Shadow On The Hearth the other day, I knew that it would feel good, but what I did today felt awesome. I used the most popular keywords from when I went viral several years ago regarding the Zodiac 340 cipher and my proposed solution and included them in the title of an article I posted on the Your Tewksbury Today interface with a direct link to the story. The read-only version includes a pale yellow background and a picture of a pile of logs.

I did not enjoy my time in the spotlight. Misinformation in the first report (my fault) sent everybody off in the wrong direction. I was labelled a fraud, accused of using fame to try to turn a profit. I considered writing under a pseudonym in case a publisher found something of mine written well enough to buy into. I had even planned to release an anthology of short stories less than a year from now. All of the stories thus far have been written under aliases I've constructed.

Then I realized that for me, writing wasn't about money, and that I didn't want my spiritual explorations to satisfy my need for monetary gain. My work shall remain from here forth unmolested by profit, and if I'm going to publish my work for free, anyway, why not take it a step further and try to reach a larger audience? I'm not a fraud. I'll hear nothing of the Zodiac case from here on. My only intention is to show people through my work who I really am, instead of who I was portrayed to be by so many brave anonymous internet users. 

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Link to my first self-published novella, "Shadow on the Hearth."

This is my first ever self-published novella. Let this mark the copyright, November 5th, 2017, not to be reproduced without the express permission of author, Corey Starliper, self.

It shall remain available for viewing purposes only for a charge of $0.00

This story is a work of fiction, based loosely on a book I set out to write in college that I never finished. With this publication, I find resolution.

Shadow On The Hearth- By Corey Starliper

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Squeezing in a post to keep the numbers rolling...

I'm fascinated by the amount of organizational momentum I have in my life right now and I don't want it to go away. I know that we attract what we intend, but it's also important to note that we are not showing the Universe a desire if we don't set upon that desire physically and actually make some effort to compel it into actualization. What that means to the lay reader is that we can't stand around and expect to move things into play with our minds alone. We need to take the first step.

For this reason, I'm squeezing in a post when I know I probably shouldn't be, not because I'm avoiding reality or the need to start my day, but because I had a sudden rush of creative inspiration in learning how to sync my calendar with my mom's calendar through Google so there's no more discrepancy in our schedules. The more problems I iron out preemptively, the less energy I'll need to spend worrying about it later, especially if it pops up on my phone.

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I got my new laptop in the mail yesterday!

Which means I can now sit up late at night after work or when no one else is home, upstairs in the comfort of my own room, and write post after post of everything or nothing, spiritual, motivating, life altering, perception challenging.

Hell, I could even post a poem in place of a cohesive piece of intellectual beauty. The possibilities are endless.

The reality is I'm so comfortable at my work desk in my room with my laptop here in front of me that I can honestly say that I am happy with the way things are in my life right now, and doesn't my happiness depend entirely upon that which I happen to be obsessing at the time?

Right now I'm obsessed with the opportunity to explore my art in privacy. It's been so long since I had a laptop that I forgot what it felt like to have one. It so incredibly convenient, and this one was cheap! I got it at the Discount Computer Depot. $99 for enough memory to run whatever I need to, Windows 10, and the ability to...I don't know, it just feels right!

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Welcome Aboard Nina, Gracey and Becka; Detox

I had a date last night and slipped a little on my carb detox, but relative to what it could have been, the slip really wasn't all that bad. I refuse to turn it into a fall. I think I had ten or twelve bites of pad thai, but was so caught up in such wonderfully relaxed conversation that it really didn't occur to me that I was using my mouth to do anything more than talk.

I also had a Coke.

I'm not craving carbohydrates today, but I did wake up in a fog slightly more irritable than usual. I plan to arrest the fall before I have to work any harder than I am now not to make any irresponsible decisions regarding my diet.

Welcome aboard Nina, who just happened to be in the right place at the right time to catch me fishing off of the docks at the River Walk in Waltham. We discussed fishing, where and how she grew up. Also, welcome aboard Gracey, without whom my acquaintance with Nina would not have occurred. At first glance, I believe she's a Labradoodle? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Welcome aboard Becka!

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Day 7 Carbohydrate Detox; Moving Forward; Official Start to the New Series Monday 10/30/2017

Seven days into my carbohydrate detox, I feel as though my body is finally beginning to understand that I won't be abusing it again any time soon. The occasional binge on raw salmon or walnuts or cheese seem to sate the beast within me. 

I stand before open cabinets full of carbohydrates and added sugar with immunity. I no longer salivate like Pavlov's dog at the prospect of munching satisfactorily on raw meat...okay, that was a stretch, but I no longer have the urge to sit down with a fifth of chocolate milk and a box of Twinkies. 

My objective over the next three months is to bring my A1C (cumulative blood sugar reading) down as far as I can. I feel intuitively that it's not too late (I still believe I am borderline diabetic and that I've not crossed the threshold) because it's almost like my body is just beginning to understand what it's supposed to do. 

Does that make sense? 

I was telling someone last night that motivation must be invited, it cannot be forced. The human body will regulate itself if you treat it with respect. It requires little more than the added second it takes to decide against a bad decision, and to make a good one. It will become easier and easier to maintain a trend toward healthy decisions and food cravings will eventually diminish considerably.

Speaking of motivation, I seem to have a ton of it lately. My mom and I moved my work desk up to my room yesterday. I subsequently brought my piano upstairs as well. I now have a cozy quarters that I feel as though I can call my own. I'm not sure if it's because my mind is quieter at night because of the forward momentum I've been experiencing lately, or because of my eating, but my Fit Bit recorded seven hours of sleep last night. Six months ago I struggled to get four or five.

The official release date for the Wresting Color From the Canvas series is Monday. I'll be posting them to the Opinion section of Your Tewksbury Today.  I've made a minor change to the title I had originally planned to use.

  

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

5 days into my detox; Completed first journal entry; LGBT

The cravings for carbs are diminishing slowly but only in the sense that I forget what it was like eating them. My body is still rejoicing at their elimination from my life, but it also wishes desperately to cling to old ways. What it really comes down to is that it's getting easier but the battle isn't over yet.

One day at a time, right?

I did journal. I did it this morning while Olivia was at school instead of last night. Olivia and I found ourselves coloring yesterday and I took one of her old drawings, sketched crudely in pencil on a blank piece of printer paper, and traced over the pencil in crayon. I subsequently labelled each color compartment with a number and then randomly assigned colors to those numbers so I had a color by number that took me about an hour to finish over an appointment of the same duration. 

By the time I got home from my appointment, Olivia was asleep on the couch.

I interviewed a couple of different people about their experiences within the LGBT community and I'm learning a lot. One testimony was particularly painful to listen to because I empathize with people. Biologically female, this particular individual now considers themselves to be non-binary, or no-gender. She underwent a legal name change to represent both her masculine and feminine sides but remains silently in support of the LGBT community except to those who would understand. I wonder where fear of criticism leaves others with respect to their involvement with the LGBT community. Does the community provide an outlet for these individuals?

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

What Does LGBT Mean to Me?

It means I'm writing a story. So far, I've completed the first draft, but certain events have transpired which have caused me to reconsider the approach that I plan to take with it. It's about bullying, specifically bullying of those within the LGBT community, and our public response to it. 

Obviously not everyone is of the appreciation for tolerance as an institution. I happen to support it. From the bottom of my heart, I feel only the deepest admiration for those in the LGBT community, and this story, which I may or may not post here, is my way of showing people that.

Recent events and several members of the LGBT community have moved me to investigate this topic thoroughly, including the support resources available to the LGBT community, current instances of sexual and gender discrimination in the news, and the availability of and controversy regarding replacement hormone therapy for individuals under the age of 18. 

I would encourage anyone with information about this topic to email me at theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com. I can take interviews, and quote members of the community with both anonymity and full disclosure. 

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

New Addition to the Mindful Parenting Plan

Yesterday was a little tough on the parenting front. Much of my time was occupied by busy work around the house. Later, I stripped my dad's tackle box and disappeared. I hit up the boat ramp in Chelmsford to see how everything worked and in a major display of irony actually fought a bass for thirty seconds using one of my spinners. First time I've hooked up in about a month.

In my absence, Olivia spent quality time with Papa. He arrived home yesterday morning.

Later in the day, it was suggested to me that one of the reasons I freeze up a little bit when Olivia comes home is that when she's at school, I go into work and productivity mode, and especially into art and writing mode. To shift from that back to intense focus on my parenting responsibilities is horrendous.

It was suggested to me that I observe my daughter, to learn about her, and to journal about my interaction with her either after she goes to bed or when she goes to school. This aligns my parenting responsibilities with my need to observe. When I go exploring (observing) just to notice things I haven't noticed before, I get a rush of creative energy. Observing Olivia will satisfy that part of me. It will also force me to stay in the moment with her.

I will journal, but I won't release my entries here. My interaction with Olivia is between Olivia and I. I will, however, report daily or semi-daily on whether or not I've done the journaling.

Still on my low carb diet by the way. Day 4. I've lost seven pounds so far.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Still on detox; Adhered to mindful parenting plan

My dad just got home so Olivia has been occupied for some time. I've been very mindful of her diet, as well as my degree of interaction with her, especially this morning. Yesterday I suggested that recording my phone fasting intentions might actually work since I've been doing everything else I've told my readers I was going to.

Wouldn't you know it? It was my first successful phone fast in months! I'm doing something similar today. I turned my phone off and it's in my car so I won't be tempted to go grab it. Abstinence from it is going to be much easier now that it's not in my room just waiting for me to go up there and search madly for *gasps* a reply on one of my messaging apps!

I would much rather hang out with Olivia, anyway.

I'm still on my sugar detox. I've mentally downgraded from a complete sugar detox to eating strategically throughout the day while avoiding as much added sugar as possible. I guess there's flour--if you could call it that--in my power bar, so it's not a full detox. Nonetheless, I'm no longer craving pastry. My energy level is through the roof, I'm more focused, less stressed, quicker on my feet, better rested and less in need of controlling every single thing in my environment.

I ordered the O. Henry Prize stories Volume 1919-1934 for only $7. That was a sweet deal, and I'm going to try to collect every year from then until now. Every year they pick 20 stories from the year before which have been published in magazines and periodicals and they release them in one volume with commentary from the authors. I find that the more I read, the stronger my writing gets and the more satisfied I am with letting the story tell itself.

I will update when Olivia is bed.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Mindful Parenting

Now that Olivia is back from Maine, I need to realize that my priorities have shifted. Mindful breathing and mindful eating are still very important, but not nearly as important as my being present for my daughter.

Being present involves more than just being in the same room. It means enjoying the same moment, making her needs my needs, and fulfilling my responsibility as not only a caregiver but as a teacher. I am the first and foremost example of how to live that she has in her life right now. 

This scares me, but reflection on it has actually opened several doors that I've been utilizing in my interaction with her lately. One of those doors is the understanding that being a parent is a privilege. Olivia will be my legacy. I can raise her with my unique values while helping her to find most of her own.

My job is to expose her to as much as possible, consistently (not constantly) demonstrating to her that joy can be derived from the common place.

That means that in Olivia's waking hours, my phone stays off. 

So far I've adhered to my no flour eating regimen (I had a salad last night for dinner and broke a filling because they torched my steak tips). I have adhered to my bekandse chant in times of increased stress. When I remember to use my breathing in/breathing out mantra, I do so until I forget again.

Think I can stay off the phone and in the moment with Olivia when she's here with me if I promise it to my readers? Let's give it a shot!  

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

The ensuing sugar detox; update to Mindful Everything

The sugar detox is a lot more stressful than I thought it would be. If anything, this would be a good time to start breathing mindfully and to use the bekandse chant. I will admit that it feels amazing not to be full and lethargic, and to know that I'm doing the right thing for my body. If balancing the body is the first step to spiritual advancement, detoxing from simple sugars is the first step on the path to Nirvana.

I just need to keep reminding myself that this will get easier and that the serenity I'll draw from eating right will be worth the cost. I'm okay with not being okay right this minute because the only thing between myself and my goals is my resistance to change. My spirit is doing just fine, but I'm still shaking myself free of old ways. It's definitely not easy. It will take time, I'm sure. No rush. Just one breath at a time.

In keeping with my dedication to my readers I mowed the entire lawn. Seems lately as though tractor time is my quiet time. My dad has these really nice noise eliminators that make the tractor purr like a kitten. I would love to wear them for a day just to see what would happen to my consciousness. It's like being in another world when I have them on. Eliminating 16 hours worth of auditory stress from my life?

The writing possibilities there! Oof!



See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Update to mindful everything...

I didn't do bad for my first night trying.

I had a power bar for lunch and Red Bull at break later on that night. I probably should have eaten more but I wasn't hungry. My mantra "I am breathing in, I am breathing out" came in and out of focus, remaining out of focus for most of the night but when I did remember to use it, I did so.

I remember being extremely focused at work, finding ways to cut out steps as opposed to flying through the ones already in place. For example, instead of removing the tea boxes from the shelf one at a time, I was able to remove five or six.

Instead of going back and forth between my carriage and the shelf with the toilet paper, I moved my carriage over. Instead of taking the toilet paper rolls out one at a time, I removed three at a time. Instead of using only one hand, I used both hands and removed six at a time and stacked them neatly on display, where they liquidated very well.

At the end of the night I had a panic attack and used a Buddhist chant that I had learned that I've been utilizing in times of increased stress. Tayeta om bekandse bekandse maha bekandse rhodsa samudgate soha. The translation into lay English terms is "I acknowledge your presence, God of Medicine, relieve me of my strife, I offer this prayer to you and to the farthest depths of the Universe." I find that after chanting it even once, my heart rate goes down and I am instantly relieved of a noticeable amount of stress.

When I learned about the chant, it was also recommended that I envision the God of Medicine in a peaceful place. He is typically portrayed as sitting in the lotus position with one hand on his knee, the other holding out a bowl of all things medicine. I have a difficult time envisioning this and chanting at the same time, but when I am successful, I have the most luck.

This morning I had a spoonful of organic peanut butter and a bowl full of raw oats with Half & Half. My goal for today is to avoid unrefined flour, and to mow as much of the lawn as I can as soon as it warms up enough and the dew finishes drying.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Mindful everything...

Mindful eating, mindful breathing--I am perfect at neither and how boring they would be if I was!--are two of the most deciding factors that determine longevity. There is scientific evidence which suggests that our longevity is a direct result of how deeply we breathe. There are people in Southeast Asia who have lived to the age of 125! 

My goal for today is to be mindful of everything that I do. I will avoid, or at least attempt to avoid, eating simple sugars, and I will try to remember my mantra, which is to remind myself that I am breathing in when doing so, and to remind myself that I am breathing out when doing so.

Spiritual training is about making progress, not achieving perfection, but that requires us to take a step toward reaching spiritual goals that we set out to achieve for ourselves. The first spiritual practice is balancing the body. Mindful breathing and mindful eating are critically important to this practice. Today will be my first day attempting both at once.

I'll report on my success in this matter tonight.

Wow, what a spiritual trip this blog has been!

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Just crossed 8,000 page views! New Wresting Color from the Canvas series!

I've maintained this blog for a little over fifteen months, previously published under another title. I've gone from 6 regular readers to a little over 90, due, in large part, to my contributions to Your Tewksbury Today. 

At this time I would like to thank the editor of that publication, Bill Gilman, for the opportunity.

I brought my first column series to a close this evening with House Rule #25. The new series will be published under "Wresting Color from the Canvas; Quote #x." 

With each post, I will have selected one quotation at random from a list of spiritually enticing quotations by well known persons from around the world, including Dan Millman, the Dalai Lama, Will Smith, Albert Einstein, Thoreau, Wordsworth, and others.

I will explore these quotations in a paragraph or two and open each for discussion. Please feel free to comment on any post going forward or going back. If you have questions about anything, let me know. If you have ideas for posts or would like to explore something in more depth, let me know.

I can't wait to start this!

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

The Rippling: Part 2

I took a few days to write this post because I wanted to make sure I gave the piece the attention it deserved. That is to say I wanted to give myself the time to write it from a reader's perspective, which takes a fair amount of uninterrupted attention.

That's hard to come by anymore.

A friend of mine drew my attention to an interesting relationship between cause and effect last week. His demonstration was simple. If you drop a pebble into a puddle, what do you get? A ripple. If you throw a rock into a pool, what do you get? A ripple.

No matter how big or small, the changes that you affect now will continue to affect the quantum field for long after you've passed. The birth of your first child may result in grandchildren, may result in great grandchildren. Ripples.

Here's the thing:

Ripples enjoy exponential growth. With this in mind, we can be more productive in our daily lives.

Breathing in more deliberately in high stress situations can lower your stress level, making it easier to deal with those situations. If we process the ensuing situation optimally, we can save the energy that we would have spent staving off disaster on being proactive with something else.

This example may seem far fetched but it's not! Every single one of us has the ability to tap into the spiritual currents that govern our universe, the pristine energy channels that flow through each of our lives corroding the barriers that we set between ourselves and our goals, liquidating the old, inviting the new, and constantly placing us on the first yellow brick on the road to success (if you watch The Wizard of Oz, note that the Yellow Brick Road upon which Dorothy embarks begins at the center of an ever expanding circle. Ripples!)

The Rippling...

I've been very busy lately. My plans to post every evening have yielded to my responsibilities with my new job. I have not had time recently to just sit down and write like I wish I could. I did upload a quick post to Your Tewksbury Today, but for the most part, I've been with many preoccupations both mentally and geographically which have simply not permitted me the time, or frankly the need, to journal.

I will say that I am glad the majority of my readers are anonymous. It gives me the freedom to express myself as someone who has a clear message and a way with words, rather than as someone who carries with him a history of not being able to communicate well in person at all. Knowing that I can express myself at all is a blessing, but that I can do it through my supported channels takes the pressure off my delivery.

I hope everyone is doing well. Please feel free to reach out to me at theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com, hit me up on Facebook, leave a comment, like, share...you know the drill. 

I am feeling: Ripple, ripple, ripple...

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Black and white thinking is too exclusive to be practical...

There are subtle shades of Gray highlighting every extreme decision that we make for ourselves.

I mentioned that I settled on a fishing approach. At the time, I meant it. Then I figured out that it's too difficult to get chicken livers to stay on the hook, even with the netting.

I will only go when I have a full day to waste. I will only fish one location. I will only use one lure. All of these are promises that I've made to myself with deep resolve.

I've broken all of them several times in the interim.

Black and white thinking can be advantageous, especially in times of increased stress, but as a rule it's far too restrictive to have a practical application.

I used to believe that I was at fault for every miscommunication that occurred between myself and someone else because it's been presented to me that I have Asperger's.

Do I have a crystal ball? Can I guarantee that EVERYONE who crossed paths with me in the last 33 years was confused by a non sequitur that I dropped?

No.

I used to challenge the Universe to give me everything it had in order to test my patience. Now I simply pray for the patience to wait for those obstacles to present themselves.

I'm okay with things not being in complete alignment. I'm okay with shooting for 95%. I'm okay with not having answers. I'm okay with waiting to be okay.

I am tempted in this final paragraph to dismiss black and white thinking as fundamentally maladaptive, but that, in itself, would be too much of an umbrella statement to make my point without folly.

Balancing my body at long last...

Sincerely...I have had more than enough of this shit with my back. I've been to the chiropractor and presented my former employer with plenty of doctor's notes. It won't happen with my present employer because I've decided that I am never going to hurt my back like this again.

I am going to start working on my abs and I'm not going to stop until I can hang off the edge of a helicopter and bring my knees to my chest with a freaking donkey strapped to my ankles.

I just posted the House Rule stating that balancing the body is the first spiritual practice. I included a few snide comments about how much I hated it, but the reality is my body is rebelling after years of my not taking care of it.

The situation is unacceptable.

My schedule is going to be very hectic for the next couple of weeks but I'm sure I'll find the time to work the gym into it and if I can't, I'll be doing planks and pushups at home. 

**I won't publicize my goals because I feel that to publicize them would rob me of the energy I need to present my case to the Universe. I've been applying this principle more and more lately. Take, for example, the notion that relating a burden to someone else takes half the weight off your shoulders. Sharing an intention with someone diminishes the frequencies along which you can cast that intention, thereby reducing your chances of success.**

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

I've finally settled on a fishing approach...

I found bait mesh on Amazon and ordered it. I'll have it in two days, and the first chance I get, I'll be off to Wal-Mart to pick up chicken livers. They sell them in tubs.

Cast, wait, and bring in whatever hits the hook.

I figure I can bring my shit pad with me and take notes while I wait--I've been using it a lot lately.

Sitting there in the sun with a tub full of chicken livers spoiling next to me and a notebook full of ideas would do so much for me I'm afraid to utilize it. You can only really love something once if you're an addict like me. Maybe I could do it once a month to keep it from getting dry on me.

So many things are moving into place for me so quickly. You know, the less stressed out you are, the longer you're apt to live. Thing is, I go from zero to 60 in about three seconds, so I bounce back and forth between a life expectancy ranging from a further 10 years to a further 80 years.

I prefer the latter. I'll die with enough money to put my grandchildren through school.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Belief; the proof is in the process...

I have more constant readers on this blog now than I ever did before. What am I doing right?

I have to believe that posting frequently has something to do with it, and I am almost positive that following through on what I keep telling you guys I'll do has helped. I remember writing posts with absolute certainty that I would either make good on what I said I would do, or, at the very least, try like hell, and feeling terrible about myself for subsequently doing neither.

This seems more real, more organic. Bar stool dreams definitely have their place in our lives but our reality is based on the changes that we affect, not the changes that we merely consider implementing. Bar stool dreams and empty promises are nothing but castings.

I remember reading something once, a quote that sounded way too common to credit one person with it's inception.

People may not believe what you say, but they will always believe what you do.



See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

I can't be stopped...

The only person who can hold me back from doing what I want to do--within reason--is myself. I made a couple of financial moves this morning, positioning myself for a three month run of literally doing nothing with the money I have coming in. I also reset the clock on my binge-eating abstinence counter.

A slip doesn't need to turn into a fall.

I also wanted to drop in and do what I said I was going to do, which was to blog. My back is doing a little better. I'm not starting work until next week and I have ample time to spend with my family before things start picking up speed again. There's no reason that I should exclude blogging from that experience, especially given the degree of serenity that I enjoyed when I was doing it on a regular basis.

Millman says that we zoom in and out of spirituality like a camera lens, zooming in when we need to make an adjustment, panning back to observe our entire condition, mental, spiritual and physical, and zooming back in when we realize that we still have not achieved the perfect balance. It's like when you're writing a letter and you move your hand out of the way to read what you've written before you continue, pausing to check your work...et cetera.

It wouldn't make any sense for us to be so involved in spirituality all the time that we forget to experience things on earth. This blog is about a practical approach to spiritual living, and if I'm not at the very least coming up for air now and again, my approach is not practical, and it becomes like many other things in my life...just another obsession.

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Inertia...

That's what I need.

I need to summon the karmac armies. What a beautiful oasis the Law of Attraction can be for the weary.

It's shortly before bed and I'm sitting here before the computer reflecting on my day. I just spent a quiet hour listening to stories of people like me who would like to improve their spiritual condition. I should end days in such a manner more often, even if I need to do it from home.

Nonetheless, I wanted to blog again like I said I would to see if I could alert the universe to the need for an influx in spiritual momentum and readership. It would be more relaxing if there weren't people in the kitchen chatting the paint off the walls, but I could also be doing this upstairs...

I do like the company, though :)

See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

Where was I? Doesn't matter. Where am I now?

With my back on the mend and the calendar year lurching forth into the Fall and Winter months, I am reminded that I need to slow down. My mind races, anymore. It's hard to keep track of everything. Part of the reason I'm only churning out a post a week is that I keep forgetting about this blog.

I keep thinking I can control things with a physical application when tranquility and balance begins in the heart. The reality is I ate better, made more money and had a stronger relationship with my daughter when I was focused on this blog to the exclusion of more trivial pursuits.

If I can't make a swift transition into daily posts, I want to at least start posting regularly, maybe addressing my blog before I sit down to work on my novella after Olivia is in bed. I won't pretend to know what spiritual doors will reopen for me once I have, but it's got to be better than where I am now.


See you on my new Facebook page! theintrovertexposedcs@gmail.com

I've rediscovered writing...

I usually obsess about something for a couple of weeks and then get side tracked, so it would not surprise me if I did so in this case. It would, however, be very disappointing.

I've met someone who has sold several thousand copies of a litany of works through self publishing, and he has promised to take me, and my subsequent career in writing, under his wing. A heartfelt thank you, first and foremost, for his patience and dedication.

Shortly--within the next couple of weeks--I hope to release a novella that's been in the making for over a decade. Presently, the manuscript is being reviewed by a professional editor (one of my lifelong dreams) and since I consider it editor ready, I've moved onto a novella that I've been struggling for some time to draw to a close.

The prevailing theme will be reflections and how they distort reality.

In my conversation yesterday with this individual, I found not only excitement, but closure. He not only reminded me that motivation to keep writing was real, but that it was never out of reach.

"Keep typing and keep persisting," he told me.

Part of the reason that phrase resonated with me the way it did is that I want to be buried with a typewriter so I have something to relax me when I kick off. I love typing. Why have I spent so much time writing everything by hand?

Can you imagine the sense of validation that this brings me? I'm a writer!

Thank you for not reading this...

...it's more important that I express myself presently than it is that people listen.

If you care to listen, come aboard. I've missed you, and more importantly, I've missed myself. I am back on the blogging bus, back to wearing my pentacle and my crucifix (I maintain that I am of no particular denomination but I try to emulate Christ as a pagan if that makes any sense).

I'm back to carrying my power beads on me, though I've yet to begin meditating on them again. I still know what each bead represents. There is a wooden bead in the middle of the string representing whatever I need that I don't know I need at the time, and it harnesses that quality.

From the center, bone beads representing: sobriety, serenity, self, patience, meditation, and love.

I colored 'patience' in blue because I was focused on it at the time. For now I just want to get back into the habit of carrying them on my person.

I am still sober. Props to my Higher Power whom I choose to call Not Me. I no longer feel the need to save the world. I got caught up in the blog bog maintaining my column with the newspaper, waiting with baited breath to find out how many hits each post got.

To hell with it. People will come. And if they don't...

Well, shit. Come on!

Yes, I'll say it. I have an ego. And of course I have a different perspective on things. I have Asperger's. The funny thing is when I share what works for me with other people, it starts working for those people, too. Little things, big things...it doesn't matter. What matters is that I was born with a different perspective. I didn't earn it.

I have earned readership. I will give myself that credit, but if I am to be of any help to others, I need to stay the hell out of the way and let the Universe speak through me. I need to let the Universe afford me clarity. I need to let the Universe deliver the message in my tongue.

I need to feel my astral heartbeat again.  

Writing for two different audiences and trying to keep everything straight...

...had grown very tedious up until a few days ago, when I reminisced with a good friend of mine about some of our more meaningful experiences regarding spiritual growth.

I have decided to embrace the part of myself which I had embraced back then, the side of myself that only made decisions I could clear out of self-respect.

Any decision based on fear is not a decision. It's a response, just like when my hermit crabs (all six of them now) curl up into their shells if I approach the new enclosure too quickly.

I feel like it will take me some time to transition into this new way of living, but it starts with my sobriety and being the best father I can be to my little girl.

Beyond that, I think it's just doing the next right thing, which isn't always easy.

Should I start training again?

I See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com

I feel like im waiting for something to happen...

...but I don't know what. I call this the Waiting Place. I actually wrote a post by the same name awhile back now that I think of it.

I went fishing today and just couldn't seem to stay in any one spot for long. I returned to spots I had given up on and spent way too much time going back and forth. Fish live in the water. They move freely. It doesn't really matter where I fish as long as all the elements are in place.

What a waste of energy.

I spent too much money today, starved myself and made up for twice that at Burger King. I must be anxious but I can't figure out what I'm anxious about. Maybe I don't need to know. Maybe things will be okay if I just sit with it.

I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?
See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com

Kinda freaking out...

I've been working through some things lately and I've identified a couple of beliefs that I used to hold that no longer make sense.

One of them is the belief that everything is black and white.

I'm either a failure or a success. I am either slow at work or extremely fast. When I think I want to start running, I aim for the Boston Marathon instead of the end of my street. The reality is that this black and white thinking has a tendency to be dangerously misleading, not to mention self-defeating.

Is it possible, instead, that maybe not every social situation I've needed to review took a wrong turn because of something I missed? Could someone else be partially to blame for the miscommunication?

I guess the other point of interest isn't so much a belief but a filter through which I interact with the world: I have extremely high expectations of myself, and little hope that I'll ever achieve those expectations. My psychology is tearing my spirit apart.

That's a tough spot to be in.

This is not aided by black and white thinking, where I criticize myself as a failure for the smallest thing. If I don't do something perfectly, if I don't do something quickly enough or I misplace my keys, I cannot be forgiven.

By the same token, I firmly believe that I am capable of conquering the world, which may not be complete bullshit--I consider myself an optimist--but it distracts me from the need to run to the end of my street first.

If I were to label myself, which is never a good idea, I would call myself an egomaniac with absolutely no self esteem.

What has me freaking out is that the two major filters through which I've grown accustomed to viewing the world no longer hold up under scrutiny, so I've gone from certainty and the need for total control over things, to 'holy shit, what do I do now?'

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Wresting Color from the Canvas: House Rule #12

This 'House Rule' and others can be found in Dan Millman's book Living on Purpose. I accredit all direct quotations regarding the House Rules to Dan Millman. The subsequent lay analysis is mine.

1. Earth is a school and daily life is our classroom
2. Our teachers come in many forms
3. We learn best through direct experience
4. Failures are the stepping stones to success
5. Lessons reappear until we learn them
6. If we don’t learn the easy lessons, they get harder
7. Consequences teach better than concepts
8. Only action brings ideas to life
9. We can control efforts, not outcomes
10. Timing is everything
11. What goes around comes around
12. Little things can make a big difference

One of the most obvious ways I find this rule working through my life is through the occasional spurt of 'hey, this doesn't go here' and either putting it back where it belongs or at least removing it from where it doesn't go. Removing three pieces of clutter from the kitchen counter can easily make all the difference between a counter looking cluttered and an entire kitchen looking pristine and ready to be utilized.

A made bed and a quick toss of my laundry down the stairs makes my room look almost brand new. When that happens, it puts me in a much better position to properly allocate various items in my room into 'keep,' 'give-away' and 'throw-away' subgroups. When I face the items that I stock at work, I usually face two or three things around it. This makes facing a lot easier when we make the final sweep to make sure nothing is out of place.

Removing the clutter from my car as it accumulates rather than waiting until it looks like I live in it gives me the opportunity to focus on the moment instead of thinking about what stands in my way. A random greeting card can put a smile on someone's face. A reassuring smile. A gesture of good faith. All of these things can warm people's hearts, enabling them to stay in the moment and to be kind to others.

Relatively few things in life demand strict attention to detail. It would not be practical to spend hours--as some do--making sure everything is perfect, that every blanket is folded, every tile swept, that every ounce of energy be exerted on the most focused causal link, but a little more consideration and a little less day dreaming can help you accumulate vast amounts of energy that you can allocate to still other things.

Little things can make a huge difference.

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Writer's Block; Writer's Block relieved, the Passion...

I feel like I want to blog but have no idea what to blog about. I feel like I'm pregnant, like a message is contracting my soul begging to be let loose. I'm trying as hard as I can to urge that message to the surface, but it's blocked by a seeming inability to express myself. It can't breathe.

I feel it. It's almost up...

The fire, the passion, the hunger that I used to have for life...I want it again, damn it! I want to find artistic opportunity in everything. I want to feel the presence of my Higher Power in my life. I want to have access to a level of consciousness that allows me to receive direction from all things earthly. I had all of these things before relapsing several years ago.

But now I'm sober.

Abstinence is not enough for me. I need to wrest every possible drop of satisfaction that I can from the opportunity to be sober, this unmerited gift. How many people had to die for me to get sober and to subsequently screw around with my recovery?

I want the spiritual gifts that go along with being sober--and I want them now!

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Wresting Color From The Canvas: House Rule #11 Special Edition!

This 'House Rule' and others can be found in Dan Millman's book Living on Purpose. I accredit all direct quotations regarding the House Rules to Dan Millman. The subsequent lay analysis is mine.

1. Earth is a school and daily life is our classroom
2. Our teachers come in many forms
3. We learn best through direct experience
4. Failures are the stepping stones to success
5. Lessons reappear until we learn them
6. If we don’t learn the easy lessons, they get harder
7. Consequences teach better than concepts
8. Only action brings ideas to life
9. We can control efforts, not outcomes
10. Timing is everything
11. What goes around comes around

Our Universe is governed by certain laws. Of those, the 11th Law seems to be of particular importance--what goes around comes around.

Karma, in other words.

The reason that this piece is a special edition is that over 3,000 people on Facebook are about to view an image of a 39-inch, 40-pound, 12-year old Striper I caught on a fishing charter yesterday. After a quick photo op, courtesy of Captain Keith Starliper with Salfin Charters, the Striper was reunited with the surf off Plum Island in Newburyport, Masssachusetts.

When I was growing up, recognition for impressive catches was very important to me. It still is. More important, however, is my relationship with the fish that I do catch. I try to thank every mackerel that I rig up with the hopes of catching something bigger. I thank every striper, freshwater bass, sunfish, perch, carp and cat fish. I only pause for a photo if I know that I can do it quickly enough to get the shot without putting my catch in jeopardy, and most importantly, I don't keep anything I don't need.

I would have loved to be able to take that Striper home with me, to pose for a million pictures and to look at it all day, but I didn't need the meat, and a quick photo is all the proof that I need to remind myself and to show others that occasionally, remarkable things can happen.

This moment waited with infinite patience for me to ready myself to appreciate it. 

The Universe is an echo, like you might hear in a cave or an empty gym, across an ocean as flat as a lake and across a mountain range as high as the next passing cloud. What you inject into the Universe will inevitably come back to you in one form or another. The odds of me hooking up with a Striper that large were exceptionally low, but they were manifested by virtue of my demonstrating respect and appreciation for my catch, no matter how small.

Visit www.salfincharters.com to book your charter today!

See you on Facebook! starliper.corey@gmail.com